Relationship tidbits to soothe your anxious mind

Whether you are in a relationship already or in between, these insightful and at times comforting relationship tidbits will soothe your anxious mind and help to get perspective.

Since things are not always the way they seem and words do not always mean what they seem to mean, it is good to be wise and vigilant about what is happening in our love-life.

1. Nobody is perfect. Knowing this makes us more forgiving, accepting, understanding and less disappointed. Your current or future 'The One' will NOT be perfect and it is OK. ‘Not perfect’ does not mean that something is wrong. Instead of being disappointed (mad, angry, resentful, hostile, etc.) with them try to be understanding.

2. Do not compare your current loved one to your previous partner(s). Imagine him comparing his ex to you. How would that make you feel? Certainly not as special. Comparing them to your ex is like saying (at least what they will hear) ‘My ex was better than you’ or ‘When I am with you I still think about my ex’ or even worse ‘You seem like you are such a dork, I wish I was with my ex instead’.

Aren’t you supposed to forget and move on? Why compare your current relationship to the one that failed? Why make your current partner insecure? Why make them feel bad and like they are not measuring up? You can work on relationship issues without mentioning your ex. ‘My ex was this and that and how come you are not?’ - this is cruel, disrespectful, and terrible.

3. Just because your previous partner was tolerant of your bad behaviors and horrible habits it does not mean your next partner will be. It is not to make you feel bad. It is to encourage you to work on your issues. It never hurts to work on becoming a better person.

4. Some people are not as intuitive and may not sense your state of mood. You will be surprised, but some men need a clear cut message stating what they did wrong and how it made you feel. Relying on your tone of voice or facial expressions won’t work.

Never say ‘Nothing is wrong’ if something IS wrong. If they are not intuitive they may actually believe you. Communicate what bothers you and what you feel, otherwise they will never know or guess it wrongly, and you’ll end up feeling abandoned, rejected, hurt, and misunderstood.

‘…unlike my current ‘dense’ boyfriend, my ex was able to see through me and would get how I feel without me saying a word. I find it hard to adjust to my new partner who doesn't read me as well as my ex…. Explaining how I feel does help though.’ - Lori.

5. It is great to be in a healthy committed relationship, but have you ever wondered of the possible side effects that can emerge with greater attachment? These side effects can be insecurity, possible high demands, expectations and disappointments, trust issues, jealousy, and possessiveness - ‘He belongs to me’.

You need to be prepared for this and to be able to deal with these feelings.

6. No matter how much you love each other and how much time you spend together they will still need their space and a 'Me Time'. And so do you. Do not feel scared, abandoned, and rejected when it happens. Do not go overboard creating different scenarios of them doing something terrible behind your back. When they are into you, they will always be back. Just tell yourself that at this time you are not their priority. This is absolutely normal and it happens in every healthy relationship.

7. As I stated in my e-Book – relationships are the reflection of what we are. If your relationship is damaged and broken, then perhaps you are damaged and broken too. We gravitate towards the ‘familiar’. That ‘familiar’ does not always mean healthy or that it is good for us.

8. When our current relationship does not bring happiness, and the future seems grim, we tend to look into our past. We seek out our exes (especially the ones we dumped) to try ‘one more time’ or just call them for an ego boost and reassurance. We want to feel comforted, accepted no matter what, needed, and loved unconditionally.

It is an incredibly sad reality, especially for those who are waiting for years for that ‘second chance’. It happens both ways. Perhaps you were on the receiving end of this too?

We call our exes when we are sad, depressed, abandoned, and lonely. That’s what our exes do to us too.

9. One-sided over-caring, over-delivering, and over-giving are BAD. Why? Because, as you do all of that, the other person feels like they have no choice but to reciprocate. There is nothing worse than being obligated to something where our heart is not in it. As a result, they feel guilty or like they are a bad person for not giving, caring and delivering back with the same level of intensity.

Here is a very simple formula: give them as much as they give you. And, if they are stingy and give nothing? Then they get to get nothing too! Who do they think they are? Royalty?

10. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side of the fence. It is greener where it is watered, fertilized, and taken care of on a regular basis. See what I mean?

11. Do not love blindly, otherwise they will prove you blind. You may be a very good, kind person, but it does not mean they have your interests at heart or don’t have ulterior motives.

Stay grounded and pay attention. They are not going to come out of the woods and admit to their womanizing, narcissistic, and shady ways. It will be your job to figure that out.

12. Our life is full of random events. Nothing stays still. Things change around us all the time and that includes feelings of other people.

They may have loved you one day, but today they do not, they may have had second thoughts 3 months ago but today they are clear.

The point is – not to blame yourself for everything that happens around you and not to hold on to ‘expired’ relationships. Things change, people change, their feelings change, YOU change, your priorities change.

Stop self-blame, stop feeling guilty for not trying harder, stop wondering what would have happened if only you had done this or that, stop thinking like you missed out on an opportunity of your life-time, or like you are in charge of everything around you. You may think you have control over these things but actually you do not. You cannot control feelings of other people and random events around you.

Randomness is the law of the universe. You cannot have it your way all the time.

13. Just because they rejected you it does not mean they are a terrible person. No need to badmouth them right and left. Do you not have anything better to do with your free time?

14. The best way to figure out what they feel about you is to look at the time and effort they put into the relationship with you. If, for example, they give you only 1% of their time, then you are just a ‘gap-filler’. No time given means no effort, no effort means low interest level (and a bunch of BS excuses). Simple as that!

15. If they care they will be very careful with words they say and things they do out of fear of hurting you or God forbid, making you lose interest in them. They will be sort of on eggshells and putting on the best moves to keep you happy and interested.

Talking to you in a disrespectful manner, sending inappropriate text messages without your consent, disappearing and reappearing without a solid explanation and other shady behaviors, are the clear signs they do not care. They would not think twice of doing it to a woman they are crazy about, WOULD THEY??

A caring man feels bad about his missteps, unlike a non-caring one, who does not.

16. Do not make them your center of the Universe if you are not their center of the Universe. It has to be balanced, remember?

17. Are they avoiding talking about uncomfortable and critical relationship subjects? Are they walking away from you every time you express disagreements or need to talk? If so, then it will be just a matter of time before they walk away from you. They are a TAKER and they are not interested in anything less than an ‘easy-breezy’ arrangement. More than that, it is already a burden to them.

Those who truly care won’t perceive your need to talk as a burden. They want to know how you feel. Why? Because it is important to them!

18. Here is a sure sign of a doomed relationship: when they blame you for everything. When they are oblivious to their own destructive ways AND blame you for it – ‘you made me do it’ – things are destined to fall apart.

We cannot be in a relationship with someone who does not understand their own contribution (bad or good) to a relationship. It is just not going to work out, plus you are not a counselor to teach them such basics.

They are an immature, low IQ, narcissistic fish that belong back in the ocean. Toss them away asap and go back to fishing.

19. They do not have the power to hurt you. It is your unmet expectations of them, unreciprocated feelings, your broken dreams and crushed fantasies that never came truth that HURT. In other words - it is you who made this pain happen. Removing any kind of expectations guarantees zero pain.

I know it is easy to say and having zero expectations is truly unrealistic, but understanding where this pain comes from is helpful in managing its intensity should things fall apart.

Tell yourself this: “Yes, he was a great guy, but I guess I over-estimated his potential, his level of interest in me, and the meaning of his words. If not for my super-active imagination and creative filling between gaps I would not feel as disappointed as I am now. Maybe I should be more realistic next time. It definitely would not hurt.”

20. True love manifests itself via deeds. No words necessary. If they are a con artist, a player, a manipulative narcissist, or a sneaky womanizer, there will be nothing but a huge load of beautiful words and whispered into your ear ‘sweet nothings’. These people are very good at it.

Super sweet words and bitter experiences are the results of hooking up with such men.

21. Do not let their poor treatment of you define your value. This one is very important. Their treatment of you is a reflection of their own values, past emotional baggage, personal hang ups, insecurities, fears, and beliefs. We may not have the power to change them, but we have the power to walk away. Those of us who walk away from a bad relationship become a WINNER.

22. This one is no brainer but is still worth mentioning: watch out for those who cannot commit to small things. These are your tell-tale signs that bigger things won’t happen. These are your signs that they do not care enough to follow through on promises, even the small ones.

How much effort does it take to fulfill a small promise?? Not much, I suppose. Those who conveniently ‘forget’ are the ones who should have no place in your life. Who the heck wants to deal with such nonsense? Besides, it is incredibly annoying.