Do you feel guilty about going No Contact?
When you feel like you need to go No Contact (to get over them and/or to stop a flow of constant abuse), but feel guilty about it and are afraid that doing so might hurt THEIR feelings, then there is something wrong with this picture.
If you were a pleaser, a ‘nice ‘person’, felt like you ‘had’ to respond to every message or a call, or got them accustomed to having you on their terms whenever it suited them, then going No Contact will feel especially hard.
Besides making them realize that you are a totally different person now - and it will take a while for them to realize it - you will be forced to act and to do things you have never done before.
In essence, by going No Contact you will be forced to go against yourself, your own believes, your own habits, and your own standards which means you will have to ignore their messages and calls, disregard pleads to meet, ignore crying and promises ‘to change’, disregard their begging for another chance, and to say a big fat NO.
In other words, you will have to stop doing what you have been doing (in this relationship) and do the opposite instead.
And again, if you were a nice person and treated them nice, then this ‘new behavior' in itself will make you feel uneasy.
As a matter of fact, behaving in this manner may trigger guilt and remorse because to you not being nice is the same as being cruel, unkind, and unforgiving. And you know you are not like that, right?
The reason you see it this way is because that, even though the relationship is over, your mental focus is still on them. You may not be aware of it, but this is the sole and main reason of you being afraid. Look how ridiculous it looks.
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You are not in a relationship anymore, but are still worried:
~ what they might think of you
~ how badly your rejection will affect them
~ how turning from being ‘nice’ to ‘not nice’ is not nice and not in your character
~ how mad it might make them and what may follow after that
~ they may commit suicide
~ they may do something stupid and it will be ‘your fault’
~ they may break down and get sick, lose a job, wreck a car, and it will be all on your conscience
You may worry about all the stuff above and plus some more. Plus, you may feel like it is your responsibility now to preserve their emotional well-being and therefore cutting them off i.e. going No Contact is a horrible idea… blah blah blah.
See what I mean here??
It is like you are supposed to follow social norms and standards of society and be ‘nice’ up to the end no matter what.
It is like you are supposed to go through a breakup and the moving on process with your ex being by your side at all times, be smiley about it, and say ‘Everything is OK’, even though it is not.
Going No Contact is not about punishing them or being mean and unforgiving. It is about distancing yourself from a relationship and getting perspective. It is also about removing them from your life to cool off and to get understanding of what happened.
When we are emotional about something (or someone) we sort of lose perspective and become a zombie. The only way to get de-zombied is to remove them from your life. You will be AMAZED how much you will discover:
‘All of my close friends and family could not understand why I stayed with my ex. He was treating me horribly! Now, after several months of No Contact, things are much clearer and I am horrified of what I had to put myself through with that man. What a pity to waste life like this... it was a good lesson though” – Laura D.
This is true ladies, once you see things clearly, you will never be the same. Their occasional contacts won’t be welcomed anymore and will be regarded as a creepy annoyance.
For this to happen, however, you have to shift mental focus onto yourself and stick with the No Contact rule. No exceptions.
Besides, the experience of other people shows that going No Contact is a great way to fall out of love. Imagine waking up one morning and feel nothing about them.
Stop worrying about what they ‘might think’ or what other people ‘might’ say or how you may come across. If you want them out of your life, then do not silence your inner voice and do what you think is right for you in the long term.
Worrying about looking ‘right’ will mean going against yourself and blocking what you feel. Your feelings matter as much as theirs (or anybody else for that matter).
Pumping up their ego or making them feel ‘OK’ at the expense of your own feelings and thoughts is not right and super unhealthy.
You cannot just please, please, and please denying yourself all the way through an entire relationship or perhaps even your entire life forgetting what a valuable person you are.
Do not worry about punishing them by going No Contact. Worry about punishing yourself by NOT going No Contact. You have a right to see the things for what they are and you have a right to say no.
You have a right to recognize what you feel and think and you have a right to make a choice. And if they do not like it? Oh well, too bad. You have your own life to live.
Whatever their emotional problems are or whatever the hell they feel is not your problem. No Contact means you are not in a relationship with them anymore.
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - 3 wrong assumptions about the No Contact rule and Breakup boundaries or my empowering eBook (in Kindle or PDF format) When you are DESPERATE FOR HIS LOVE: how to leave your bad relationship without feeling like you are going against yourself. It will re-program your brain!