When they do something wrong behind your back… and you know it
Have you ever been in a situation when you knew that they did something wrong behind your back OR have been doing it all along (without confessing to you directly), but felt like there was no point of bringing it up?
For example, let’s say you found out that they had a lunch with their ex’, or let’s say you found out through reliable sources that they have been trying to get back together. Upon discovery of the dirty deed do you say something?
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Sometimes it feels like saying ‘something’ would result in them picking on you instead, calling you crazy psycho and other hurtful names. If they are especially filthy, they may go as far as turning tables on you and go on and on about your ‘faults’ and misdeeds, your poor character and/or mention something you did wrong a long time ago.
The point is that you may choose to say nothing because there would be no point of saying something to make a conversation productive. The conversation and time spent on it would be useless.
Besides, it feels rather awkward pointing out to an adult their misdeeds. Don’t they get it themselves what is wrong and what is right? If they do – and we would like to believe that they DO – then what exactly would we like to get out of this attempt knowing that indulging into shady behavior was their conscious choice?
It may feel like a waste of time explaining yourself and getting your point across. Remember how defensive and nasty they get every time you attempt to bring up a touchy subject or just talk about something they do not like? It is like disturbing a hornet’s nest. You are the one who ends up being hurt.
~ Why do you always need to bring it up??
~ Meh… it was nothing
~ You are over-reacting
~ Oh, you are such a drama queen
This is EXACTLY why we choose to stay silent.
They lose your trust and having to listen to their ‘justifications’ only contributes to aggravation. It is like instead of making up to you they inject more toxins into your relationship by making up excuses and lies of why they did what they did. THAT kills our trust completely.
Good luck with making them understand or feel your pain. Good luck with hoping they will realize something.
Sometimes it is not really worth it ‘to rock the boat’.
If, for example, they did something once and it was out of their character then yes, perhaps talking through it would still make sense. There is a high chance they would not lie or try to hide something. They would be genuinely sorry and try their best to patch things up. In this case we owe them forgiveness, at least once.
It is the ones who are in the ‘it is all about me-me-me” mode who never stop no matter what you say. Or do not say. These are not worth your time or explanations. Talking to them is like conducting uncomfortable interrogation.
Ideally, we would expect them to confess or at least to bring it up first, but since it NEVER happens we feel like it is our job ‘to make’ them confess. The harder you push for the truth the squirmier, twitchier, and uneasy they become. Now add rolling eyes that cannot focus on you, shaky hands, and messed up alibi stories. Oh yeah.. have been through this before, haven’t we??
They say do not corner a wild animal because it may bite you. If you press hard enough, they may bite you with strong words. There is always a reason why people do something and so as you learn the truth there is a chance they won’t stop doing it. They may say other things you do not want to hear or do something you do not want them to do. The end result? Another bad day.
When they do something wrong behind your back it is very important to figure out if it is worth it to bring it up . If this is something that will never stop (with or without your intervention) and is a part of their character, then there is no point of talking about it. They already know what they are doing, believe me. If their deeds are incompatible with your idea of a happy relationship, then no explanation is necessary. Simply be done with them and that’s it.
I understand that discovery of such a magnitude - like lies, cheating, betrayal, addictions, criminal activity etc. - could be very disappointing, but guess what? These discoveries represent who they are. It takes time to get to know someone (good or bad) and we should be prepared to face AND handle the truth.
Do not feel guilty ending it with someone who is not on the same page as you are, whose moral character is not in line with yours, and who does not give a cr*p how badly their behavior affects you.
Do not feel guilty erecting additional boundaries or breaking up with someone who ‘does not know why they did it’ because there is a huge chance they will do it again. They may do something similar of a lesser degree (but still hurtful) knowing that they would be forgiven because that’s what you did in the past.
Think of a fast moving conveyor dropping unwanted, nasty surprises at your door step anytime and every time. THAT's what your life will be like if you choose to stay. And, it will never stop until you push that red emergency ‘stop’ button.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - Cutting on being agreeable and saying 'Yes' all the time and When he hurts your feelings or this quality e-Course The Woman Men Adore... and Never Want to Leave