Deal breakers: accepting vs. not accepting of what we cannot change
Have you ever had a moment when a crucial decision had to be made based on something you found out by pure accident? That ‘something’ seemed important enough for you to stop and think: ‘What should I do next now?’ or ‘It changes everything. I need to figure out how to move from this point forward with the least amount of collateral damage possible’.
It usually happens when that something is utterly unpleasant or downright unacceptable. In the dating /relationships world these things are called ‘skeletons’. You can read more about it here.
The bottom line is that once that stinky piece of info is out, we are faced with a choice to either accept it or to regard it as an ultimate deal breaker and therefore NOT to accept it.
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Difficult situations make us accept certain things but not others. Why is that? Where do we draw the line between what to accept and what not to? At what point does it becomes unacceptable and an ultimate deal breaker?
In my opinion, we accept only those deal breakers we think we can live with and reject the ones we cannot (live with). It means that yes, we could easily end up with something that is unacceptable to others but seems OK with us.
Examples of acceptable deals for some but ultimate deal breakers for others:
~ long distance relationships (LDRs). Some people believe that LDRs do not work, but others do manage to make them work. There are a lot of marriages that result from LDRs.
~ desire to have children. Some couples are OK with not having children while others fall apart for this exact same reason.
This article should be good news for those who mistakenly assume that they are ‘good for nothing’ or their own multiple ‘imperfections’ is a deal breaker for everyone.
If the perception of ourselves is mostly excessively critical, it is not always accurate. We may think we are ‘this’ and ‘that’ and no one will ever loves us, but this is not true. So what if you are 50+ or overweight? So what if you are not tall enough, do not make much money or live in a ‘bad area’. Your imaginary deal breakers are not their deal breakers. What may seem depressing to you may be OK with them. You just never know.
Accepting something that we originally did not like (and perhaps never will anyway) is a step towards being less happy and less satisfied. It adds more mental weight and negative emotions to what we already have to deal with.
Imagine a thin rope - aka your perceived relationship - stretched at both ends. Now let’s hang that bothersome deal breaker that you reluctantly agreed to accept. So far so good. I mean, not perfect but the rope is doing just fine. That’s when we think that things are still in ‘balance’. The rope is banded, but it is still OK… it is not broken YET.
If things were to continue as it is, then living with this one single deal breaker would not be that bad. Hey, no one and nothing is perfect.
But, what happens to those of us who are faced with a choice to take in and ‘digest’ more? How much more should we keep taking and how much more should we accept? Is there a limit?
As an example: Imagine being in an ‘OK’ relationship. Since no one is perfect and since there is no such a thing as a perfect relationship we all make it work by tolerating uncomfortable things about each other. We certainly are not looking for nor desire to have more of those ‘things’ negatively weighting down on our relationship.
Now imagine you found out they had a lunch with their ex. At first they may say ‘oh, it was nothing, we are just friends’ and you would be like ‘ok, it was just a lunch.. after all, exes can be friends too’. You may feel bad for them doing it behind your back, but for the sake of a relationship decide to accept it. Later on you may discover that there is more to the story. What will you do then? Will you accept this whole thing again or will it become a deal breaker?
Accepting more and more of what seems rather unacceptable will take a toll on your relationship and eventually it will look like this:
GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? Your relationship reaches a breaking point and eventually breaks.
Taking and accepting more without being ‘compensated’ or receiving enough rewards to counterbalance the discomfort, pain and suffering they are putting you through is like saying ‘Yes, keep shoving it into my throat and I‘ll eat it all. Bad, stupid, crazy, toxic – whatever it is I will take it all ‘.
We need to be super careful not to accept too much. Mounting deal breakers popping up like mushrooms after rain, is your signal to stop and reassess. Am I in the right kind of a relationship? Why do I have to accept so much uncomfortable stuff? Accepting too much crap will lead to a crappy relationship. As a matter of fact, if you are currently in a crappy relationship already it means that you are accepting too much.
Where are your deal breakers? No deal breakers or accepting too much means no boundaries. If this is your case then I urge you to erect your boundaries asap.