You are not supposed to change them or to expect them to change
We are not supposed to change them or to expect them to change. Instead, we are supposed to get to know them first and then make a decision as to whether or not they are suitable for a long term relationship with us.
I’ve seen it happen a lot, and actually, I am guilty of it too: we meet a complete stranger, fall in love with them within a short period of time, build castles in the sky, and dream of a happily ever after… until one day, when they do something profoundly hurtful.
And then, after our expectations got murdered, we think, "What happened? Why would they do that to ME? How could they do that? Is it some sort of punishment? Did I make them do it? What is wrong with me? Am I unlovable?"
Then we fall into self-analysis and desperately try to identify where exactly it all went wrong, how we could have prevented it all, or if there was something we could have said or done to make them at least aware of the profound impact of their actions.
The most astounding thing is that upon discovery and pointing out the misdeed they act like it is nothing. Even more so, they act surprised and honestly do not understand why we are so off base.
They may feed you with: “Oh come on, do not be so upset”, or “You completely misunderstood. I am not a player” or “Don’t be such a drama queen”.
Blah blah blah…
Don’t you hate it? Don’t you find it annoying when they minimize and justify their hurtful misdeeds? It is like your bad mood came out of the blue and they had absolutely nothing to do with it.
So yeah, in their book it is OK to be involved with you, to play a future card and say ‘I love you” AND at the same time to be involved with someone else too. They think it is nothing. Hmmm… God knows what he tells her about you. Maybe as ‘nothing’ too?
There is a big elephant in the room and they call it “nothing”. Doesn’t the elephant deserve to be called by its true name?
When this breakdown happens it is a rare chance for a couple to be deeply honest with each other. However, most people won’t go this way because it is extremely uncomfortable.
Anyway, let me tell you something here. Ready?
The only time when it all went wrong is when it all started.
The first day when you met them all you had to do is to get to know them better first and THEN to decide if they are worthy of your heart.
I know it is easy to say.
The only lesson here is to then accept them for who they are, which means that since you are in the relationship already, deep down, with both feet on the ground, you do not go and suddenly try to change them or expect them to change.
They are what they are and it is not going to happen. People change through their own self-awareness, not yours.
At this point, when the truth is finally out, rather than fighting and trying to make the unworkable work, it is OK to leave. When a wound is deep enough, it is possible to fall out of love.
Again, it is easy to say. Most people won’t leave. Instead, they spend a tremendous amount of energy, time, and therapy money on chasing after a relationship with an imaginary person… a person that does not exist.
I had it happen to me. Filled with delusion and disappointment, my head was fighting with my heart.
My logical head: “How did you not see it coming? The signs were there from the start. Did you not see it?”
My heart: “It felt so special, unlike anything else I have experienced before. I needed to give it a chance. Fairy tales do exist! Did I just win a love-lottery?”
Delusions won’t fix anything. A sober look at the reality is what is needed to see the truth. Once we see the truth, 2+2 will suddenly come together. Everything will suddenly make sense and 2+2 won’t feel like 5 anymore.
That is why it is very important to listen to your family and trusted friends. They are not involved parties and therefore, can easily be more objective towards the situation.
They see what you do not see. And no, they are not jealous of your newly found happiness and they are not trying to rain on your parade. All they want is you to be truly happy.
So, again, once we discover who these men are, we need to immediately realize that:
~ What they did had nothing to do with you. It is them, not you
~ You did nothing to provoke them into doing the deed.
~ Yes, you are in pain but do not expect them to understand. They have been doing it to many other people, not just you. It is a learned behavior.
~ Do not expect them to understand. Do not expect empathy.
~ Do not try to change them, to stop them, or beg them to stop. They are who they are. No yoga, no therapy, and no hypnosis will change that.
~ It hurts because it is over. The relationship you thought you had with a man you thought you knew is over. It is a different relationship now.
Also, even though it has been a while since you have met, it is now OK to take a critical look at who you are actually with and make a choice you should have made a long time ago i.e. before falling in love and before diving into a serious relationship.
Should you stay or go?
It is up to you. Can you live with what you have discovered? Can you be in peace? If it was something profoundly painful – can you forgive them? Can you live with a possibility of it happening again?
What else would they be capable of? What else is there that you do not know?
I personally associate it with falling out of love (falling out of a fantasy)? We now have a ‘new’ person to fall in love with - someone strange, new, and unpredictable.
We may feel like they love us less and like the relationship is not the same anymore. It is not what it used to be, and, unfortunately, it never will be. All you have left is to grieve the loss of the old relationship.
Yes, on top of that baggage you could still try to fall in love with them, but please do not be a hamster running on a wheel and do not waste energy on changing the unchangeable.
Trying to change someone is not just a waste of time and emotions; it is a waste of your life. You will also be putting self-respect on the line. Deep down you will never feel at peace staying with a man who betrayed you like this.
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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