2+2=5 or when things do not add up and what it means to your relationship
What they say to you in the beginning of a relationship (and may continue saying later) may not be the whole truth but only a tiny tip of the truth.
The reason? When a relationship is new, quite often it is neither required nor OK to blab EVERYTHING out onto a new person.
I mean come on now, who in their right mind would want to bog down a cute stranger with excessive baggage?
Some people are more guilty of this than others, but rest assured that those who choose to be discreet will make sure you won’t know more than they want you to know.
Now, it does not mean they are lying. In most cases they simply choose not to reveal everything. Here is what it looks like: The 2+2 represents what they say and 5 is the true reality.
Notice how it does not look right. This is because there is a discrepancy between what they say and what actually exists.
If you are not into numbers and equations here is a visual example.
That teeny-tiny tip of the iceberg is what you know and what is underneath it is what you DO NOT KNOW and there is a very high chance – may NEVER know or find out.
As we know now, in the very beginning of a new relationship people tend to behave their best and, understandably, prefer to remain discreet about unpleasant things (like health conditions, previous or current relationships, children, financial difficulties etc.).
They think that these unpleasant ‘skeletons’ are rather too intimate to talk about. It just seems ‘too soon’.
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However, as a relationship moves forward and everything progresses greatly, at a certain point in time they may face a dilemma of whether or not to disclose a bigger and rather uncomfortable truth.
On one hand, they want to build trust which means being open and honest about everything, or at least not hiding something important, but on the other hand - if the relationship is indeed great they may be scared to reveal the whole truth out of fear that the other party may not take it too well and reject them.
To them, it may feel like back than it was ‘too soon’ to reveal the truth and now it may feel like it is ‘too late’ already.
It can be quite an internal turmoil:
~ if I tell her now about my background, will she accept it?
~ she will be upset or in major shock. I would hate to hurt her like this
~ she may wonder, ‘Why did he not tell me this earlier?' and ‘What else is he hiding?’. I may lose her trust forever.
~ if she finds out the truth will she break up with me? I am afraid of losing her
~ will she hate me after learning the truth?
~ it is getting more and more difficult to hide and juggle 2 realities – the one she knows and the other one that actually exists
Here are the real life examples of what men hide from women out of fear of not being accepted:
~ children from previous relationships. I have known a man who kept saying to every new woman he met ‘I have 1 child from a previous marriage’. Further investigation revealed that he was married 2 more times and there were 4 more kids.
~ their financial situation. They may drive a fancy car or dress nicely aka ‘put on a show’ but will hide the amount of debt they are in. Or, they may live paycheck to paycheck, but will make you believe that they are well off.
~ their current relationship status. All of these things, secretly running in the background, WILL affect your relationship with them: reconciliation with their ex-girlfriend or a wife, being separated, being in a committed relationship with another woman, being involved in a long distance relationship, sleeping with a ‘booty call’ woman, and any other variations of these.
~ health issues/mental health issues, addictions.
Depending on the circumstances, it could be possible to hide some of these AND perhaps keep hiding them for as long as they can, BUT it does not mean your relationship won’t suffer.
As they try their best to juggle two realities at a time, they may come across as being ERRATIC. Some of the things they do, their explanations, actions, and even thoughts won’t always make sense to you. And, every time it happens it will feel like 2+2=5.
If, for example, they continue lying about financial situation it will be difficult to understand why there are no presents, nice vacations and fancy dinners.
They may boast about how much money they make, but in reality you won’t either see it or experience it. They may even insist on you paying your share on a date!
Some men won’t even date a woman too long because it is ‘too expensive’. Instead, they prefer to date in their ‘living rooms’. Ever dated such a guy? A guy who was well off but could not afford to date? Yep, it is that 2+2=5 feeling again.
If, for example, they have 3, 4, or 5 kids (instead of 1) then the amount of time (and money) spend with that ‘only’ one kid will seem extremely unreasonable. I am not even talking about other children’s related chores (doctor visits, school, birthdays etc).
Here you are, dating a man with a seemingly reasonable obligation but, in your mind, with an unreasonable way of handling it. ’How the heck he spends so much time with only one kid? How come there are constant school meetings, doctor appointments, vacations, outings and birthdays??’.
If, for example, he has a woman in a different state, then you may not understand why he travels so much to that particular state. You may not understand why he disappears from time to time, or why he ‘will not commit’.
If only you knew the truth, then his motives, feelings, thoughts and behavior would make perfect sense to you. Yes, it would be like 2+2=4.
Unfortunately, it is not always the case with EVERY relationship. Every time they hide something, keep a secret or choose to be discreet there will be this nagging feeling like something is off. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure them out.
Since there are 2 realities – the one they told you about and the one that actually exists – it will be very difficult to predict their behavior. This is because quite often, they will be driven by what that other reality dictates.
They may get moody all of the sudden, may decide to break up out of the blue, may disappear-reappear, send mixed signals, say one thing but do another, make and break plans, change plans for the future, hesitate to commit to future plans, may say they are ‘not sure’ or ‘we will see’, may reappear after a long breakup, etc.
To make matters worse, that teeny-tiny tip of the iceberg we were talking about in the beginning is actually the place where they'll intentionally choose to keep you. That’s where they think you belong. No more no less.
Yes, they may say you mean a lot to them, but it is not real. They are NOT real with you. They have you placed in a small happy frame surrounded by the ‘do not trespass’ borders.
You only know what they choose to tell you, aka the desirable and ‘wining’ image of themselves. The real-life image of them contains unpleasant characteristics, some scratches here and there, chips on the outer corners and maybe some cracks.
Of course, ladies, nothing stays the same forever. Lies and secrets do eventually find a way to come out.
“Three things cannot be long hidden:
the sun, the moon, and the truth.” ~Buddha
In this particular case the truth may not come out as it is, but it will rather be subtle. It won’t feel like 2+2=5 though, it will be more like =10 or =100. Whole hell will break loose when it is time to move a stale relationship to the next level... and they won’t.
Be it moving in together, proposal or marriage – i.e. taking the very next, traditionally expected logical step – there will be excuse after excuse as to why it cannot happen.
Since you are sitting on that teeny-tiny spot of the iceberg knowing nothing about their true life, none of their excuses will EVER make sense to you. It will indeed fee like 2+2=100 or worse and it should be your clue that you are not on the same page emotionally and circumstantially.
~ I cannot commit right now (after dating for 4 years)
~ we cannot afford this
~ let us wait, why rush things
~ I do not want to do it right now because… (insert his BS excuse here)
They will stall, plead, manipulate to preserve the status quo of the relationship. They may or may not tell you the whole truth at this point, but honestly it should not really matter anymore. WHY? Because their actions clearly demonstrate where their priorities are.
Whatever is happening in their true life – whatever it is - has a much higher importance over you. It means that they are not looking to make a change to be fully with you.
For some reason they think that whatever they currently have is more important and valuable than what they will have with you.
Whatever their life is about and whatever is happening with them, they are not motivated enough to make the change to make the relationship between you two possible.
P. S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this super affordable online counseling service.
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