When their behavior makes no sense
When they do something that makes no sense to you it means that there is something else going on, i.e. something that you do not know. There are moving parts to the whole story and since you do not know what they are, their behavior makes no logical sense.
Think of a 700 piece jigsaw puzzle. When it is partially assembled (or barely assembled) the image is barely visible. It is when it’s all put together, piece by piece, the image becomes clear. We can finally see it for what it is!
I recall a case when a man had little to no time to see a woman he dated. In the end it had turned out that he was married. As soon as she found out, his poor availability suddenly made sense. Everything about their relationship suddenly made sense to her!
This is a rather extreme example, but I hope it demonstrates my point.
When they do something that makes no sense it is better to step back and assess the situation. Take into consideration what you know already, put 2 and 2 together and see if their behavior can be explained.
People never do anything out of the blue. There is always a reason! Their sketchy behavior is a sign that they have chosen not to disclose what else is going on.
It is not like they are dishonest with you on purpose. They are certainly not looking to hurt your feelings either. Quite often, it is just the opposite. The main reason they choose not to be fully open with you is because of internal FEAR.
We all have fears of our own. Some are common among many people and therefore are easy to relate to. For example – fear of rejection. Who ‘likes’ to be rejected? It never feels good to be rejected, period.
Some other painful fears: fear of being cheated on, fear of being dumped, fear of being diagnosed with something incurable, fear of getting old and becoming less attractive, fear of never finding anyone, fear of losing love.
The person that acts weird with you is afraid. Somehow they assume that if you were to know the whole truth the relationship would not stand a chance. They are hiding undesirable (in their opinion) stuff and revealing only what is (in their opinion, again) necessary to keep the things going.
They certainly have no idea how crazy their behavior comes across and what it actually does to you and the relationship.
Inconsistent, hard to explain behavior leads to mistrust and resentment.
I once knew a man who was rejecting every woman he dated.
“Why would you not give a chance to make things work?” – I asked
“Because as soon as she gets to know me better I am a toast” – he replied
“What do you mean? “ – I asked.
After pondering for several seconds he replied ”I am a difficult person to be with. I do not think it is going to work out with anyone”.
Further investigation revealed a stressful marriage in the past and an even more traumatic divorce full of drama. The man was brainwashed by his ex-wife that he is ‘difficult to be with' and that ‘no woman would ever want him’.
Most of us are afraid of something, but we do not want to talk about it. Unfortunately, these fears affect our behavior with other people.
They have chosen not to be open with you because they do not believe you will understand or accept them. Maybe they heard you saying something in the past that gave them a clue not to proceed. They lie for the sake of being with you. You are important enough to them to feel scared of losing you. Think about it!
Some fears are legit and some are not. They may worry about trivial things that won’t matter as much to you. Some fears are imaginary. Until you gently confront them, there is no way of knowing what stands in the way of your satisfying relationship.
Sharing your own fears and talking about your own vulnerabilities first will help the other person open up. Opening up is scary. Laying out our worries and insecurities in front of another human being is risky to say the least, BUT that’s how we make them open up in return. Once they learn you are not a perfect Saint, they will be more willing to share some of their dirty laundry with you as well.
This is how true relationships work. Little by little we learn about each other’s stuff – great and not so great. Being in a relationship with another person means being privileged to knowing intimate details. It means being vulnerable!
Now, with this being said, I would like to mention something else: there is a chance that not opening up on their end is intentional. No matter what you do, say or share, they still won’t budge. This is a sign that they do not see your relationship as something serious.
They may have somebody else to confide with and you are just a casual side piece. They are not fully invested. Sort of like a semi-relationship with a semi-man who loves you 50% of the time.
When someone acts in a way that does not make logical sense it is very important not to take it personally.
Imagine them not calling as often as you would like or not even asking you out on a date after talking like forever. To us, when a man calls us ‘sweetie’, but won’t take us out on a date makes no sense.
Rest assured there is a very good reason why they are like that. It is a solid 101% chance that the murky stuff that is happening has absolutely nothing to do with you. Please remember this at all times!
Do not sweat over their weird behavior, do not assume it is you, do not dwell on what you said, should have said, or should not have said. Do not draw wrong conclusions, do not blame yourself for what they do. Maybe they are doing the same thing to many other people, not just you!
We – the women – have great intuition. When they are full of crap we can smell it, can't we ladies? Now, after reading this article, you will know what to do to make it go away.
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