I want to date casually but… I do not want to be treated casually.
When we feel like we are not ready for a committed relationship we may decide that we want to date casually.
For many of us, the ‘not ready’ part means we are still healing from a breakup. For the rest of us, it could be due to a certain period in life or complicated circumstances.
So, yes, we may not be ready for a relationship when we are:
~ currently going through a divorce
~ in the middle of a breaking up – making up cycle
~ too busy with work or studies
~ healing from the emotional trauma of a previous relationship
~ not sure what we want
~ any other (at times weird) reasons for not wanting a full-fledged relationship.
As long as those reasons make sense to you, I say – let them be. After all, it is your personal life we are talking about.
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Now, let’s take one step further and bring another person into this equation, aka your casual partner.
What would you expect from them and how would you like to be treated?
Strangely enough, this sort of head-scratcher stalls everyone’s thinking. ‘Huh? – they ask - what do you mean by that?”
What I mean is that even though we want to date casually, somehow, on an unconscious level we expect the other person to be there for us. In other words, we expect non-casual behaviors while in a casual relationship.
Think about it.
You claim that at this point in life all you want is casual dating, and at the same time, you are expecting to be treated exactly like someone who is in a committed relationship.
On top of that, you want the other person to be ‘OK’ with your casual attitude.
Giving the other person something (aka your casual attitude) you wouldn't want for yourself… how fair is that?
Here is what casual dating means and why it is so conflicting:
~ YOU do not want them to have any hopes for the future with you, but at the same time, YOU want to have this option in case ‘something changes’ or you feel differently in the future for some reason.
~ You expect them to be there for you whenever you need them while giving the same in return does not feel comfortable.
~ You do not want them to have expectations of any kind (like loyalty, for example), but at the same time, you would rather them not sleep around and be devoted to you.
~ You do not want to promise anything because hey, it is casual, BUT at the same time you expect them to have some sort of integrity and reliability. In essence, we want to be treated with the utmost care but refuse to give the same to the other person.
When they act flaky, non-committal, break promises, do not return calls, respond with one word to your long text message, date others, sleep around, and have multiple dating profiles on multiple dating websites somehow WE HAVE A BIG PROBLEM WITH THIS.
Being on the receiving end does not feel that good, does it??
I call it a ‘casual relationship crap’. We want the other person to take it in boatloads but won’t accept it ourselves in ounces. We want to inflict onto someone something that may cause pain, meanwhile work very hard to avoid it ourselves.
The truth is, that if it is casual, you will be subjected to its crap too. It is a two-way street.
Be honest with yourself. Do not fool yourself into believing that you will be OK if you think that you won’t. Do not fool yourself into believing that it will be all on YOUR terms, that you will be in control, and that the feelings won’t catch up and won’t progress anywhere.
Unless you are one of those types who are not capable of having a committed 1x1 relationship, you won’t be OK.
I understand you are hurting right now or maybe simply ‘not ready’, but having a casual relationship may not be the best option for you. Deciding to enter a casual relationship is like signing a contract for 2-star quality treatment and the very likely possibility of getting hurt again.
“By entering this casual relationship I consent to casual treatment. I consent to casual time together,
casual sex, casual conversations, casual promises, casual jokes, and casual everything
and, of course, I consent to not make waves about it“
They won’t see you as The One, won’t think of you on your birthdays, may spend their free time with somebody else (that applies to Holidays and vacations too), won’t listen, won’t call back or downright ignore you, and YOU WILL HAVE TO BE OK WITH THIS.
They won’t care about you as much and won’t give a rat’s ass when you are sick, having a bad day, or feeling upset. They won’t be there for you when you need them. Or, they still may be there, but with only one foot, or maybe one toe and the “I want to get out of here” look.
You will have to be OK with ambiguity, the unknown, and with the fact that the casual relationship may end at any time against your will. They are just a casual partner who owes you nothing. Not even an explanation.
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - Men who stay on dating websites for years explained! and What happens when you go after a man who is not into you or this quality eCourse Why He Disappeared