Why online dating is such a disaster
Are you (or perhaps will soon become) one of those who is sick and tired of online dating disaster? Is this what you have been putting up with recently:
~ 99.99 % of men who contacted you were unattractive
~ the ones you met with were either jerks, married or looking for sex
~ the ones that managed to keep your interest got you disappointed later
~ and those who you got into a relationship with hurt you later big time?
It seems like online dating these days is as pleasant as having a root canal procedure – you know it is necessary, but you still hate it. If 99% of online dating experiences are disasters, then no wonder we feel so bad about it.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Is there an answer to explain this?
You see, we are all humans and we all have different needs, which means that people date for different reasons. Should your reasons be different than theirs you will end up being disappointed and the whole thing will feel like a disaster to you.
Online dating disaster recipes: these are the most common reasons men date (do not be shocked!)
~ they are looking to forget their ex by starting a new relationship with someone else (you?)
~ they have not had sex for a while and looking ‘to get some’
~ they are married and looking for a fling
~ they are not happy with their current girlfriend, but are too weak to break it off (they hate to be alone). They think that meeting someone new will make it easier to leave.
~ they are alone and think they are Mr. Available… until they meet The One. After that they magically turn into a Mr. Unavailable.
~ they are alone but are not ready for a full-time relationship. They are looking for a woman with low self-esteem who will accept crumbs.
~ they do not know what they want and what they are looking for
~ they are doing it for fun… nothing serious… you know…
The point here is such that if you are looking for a loving, emotionally available boyfriend, then unless he is looking for a girlfriend too, you will end up being disappointed.
It may sound simple – just date only those who are looking for a girlfriend too - but unfortunately it’s NOT that simple. Why? Because no man is going to put up his dirty laundry out there begging to chose him. Do you really expect they would do that??
If they were, then here is how their profile would look like:
"Hello. I just broke up with my girlfriend and it really sucks. I’m looking for someone to help me cope with the loss. I do not know where it will go (with you), and I give no guarantees for anything happening because my girlfriend keeps changing her mind. I hope she will, and we will get back together some day. She was the love of my life, but I was too stupid to see it. I hope it’s not too late. Meanwhile, I am looking to meet someone to spend my time with and to hopefully have a good sex. It would also be helpful if... ooops, wait a minute, it’s her, my ex is calling! I have to pick it up, talk to ya later!"
That’s what makes online dating such a disaster. We are buying a box without knowing what’s inside of it. We think if the cover looks nice, then what's inside should be great, too.
Here is the profile that they WILL ACTUALLY post:
"Well accomplished, understanding, and sensitive man with manners – a True Southern Gentleman – is looking for his match. My hobbies are biking, hiking and romantic walks on the beach. I am looking to meet someone special and to see where it goes. If you liked what you just read, and if you liked my photo, please drop me a line. You will not be disappointed!!"
Was it funny? I guess… But not to those who fell victim to this… umm... SCAM??
And now we know what happens next, don’t we??
We meet that ‘Southern Gentleman with manners’, have several drink dates and lovely dinners, perhaps some nice outings together, become intimate, and then… the entire hell breaks loose. Either through his actions or via uncomfortable communication we learn that he is still not over his ex and is open to a possibility of reunion.
Suddenly, we do not feel as special anymore. Too much anxiety won’t let us sleep and makes us wonder what we did wrong. Did we do something to make them want to go back to her? Were we not good enough to replace her? Are we not good enough to forget their nasty ex and their broken relationship? Do we mean something to them?
Has this ever happened to you??
Having their ex in the picture is not the only skeleton they may have. There could be other skeletons in the closet to ruin it for you.
Let’s take a sneak peak into his closet. If you knew - AHEAD OF TIME - of any of this, would you give them a minute of your life?
~ a workaholic who had an Epiphany one morning ‘Gee, all of my friends are married and have kids, maybe I should try to find someone too’. They go online and post a profile similar to the one of the ‘Southern Gentleman’, and then all you know is they are busy working 24/7 and never have time for a relationship.
~ an addict in remission. After being clean for 2 months he thinks he can pull it off and now is ready for a girlfriend. You respond to his ‘nice’ profile, and then all you know he is either gone for days (doing drugs) or is hung over.
~ a divorced man who won’t stop spending vacations with his ex-wife (for the sake of kids) and is supporting her financially. There was no mention of this deal-breaker in his online profile, was there??
Take a look at this interesting graph. It explains why online dating is such a disaster.
Most people fall in love (I do not blame you, girls!!) at point "A". At this stage we know almost nothing about the person; it is all about stars, moons, and roses, serenades on weekends, and maybe one tiny skeleton. We do not mind dealing with that skeleton though, as a matter of fact, we may even justify it - ‘well, no one is perfect’.
It is when a dating relationship progresses, and more and more skeletons pop out as a result, that we begin feeling pain and like ’things aren’t working out’. We feel trapped because we are 1) in love already 2) there are too many skeletons or deal-breakers to deal with.
With this being said, wouldn’t it be great to fall in love with them at point "B" instead? I know we cannot control how we feel, BUT we do have control over our decisions.
Why not get to know them enough to learn who they ACTUALLY ARE (that includes their multiple skeletons) and then, and only then, to decide whether we want them to be our boyfriend or a husband?
Until then, while it is still in the ‘roses and serenades’ phase, to just go with the flow, be cautious, and try not to do anything we would regret later?? They may turn out to be great, or they may turn out to be horrible – at this point, we just do not know!
It is those who fall in love at point "A" who end up being hurt and disappointed the most. I say ladies, wait, just wait and see. You might be very glad you did!! I do believe that these online dating disasters are preventable.
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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