How to Spot Mr. Unavailable: The Beautiful Show Home with No Keys

Mr. Unavailable is surprisingly easy to mistake for a man who is available.

This is because he rarely arrives carrying a small sign that says EMOTIONALLY CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

Quite the opposite. He can be warm, attentive, romantic and wonderfully interested in you. He may tell you things about himself that feel intimate, remember something you mentioned three weeks ago, kiss you as though somebody has finally put the correct woman in front of him, and occasionally gaze into your eyes with enough feeling to suggest that a string quartet should be warming up nearby.

The property looks extremely promising.

Welcome to the Open House

The flowers are fresh, the cushions have been arranged, and someone has placed two champagne glasses beside an enormous window overlooking what appears to be a very attractive future.

You can walk around.

You just cannot live there.

The Open House

Mr. Unavailable is often perfectly comfortable with the appearance of a relationship. Dinner is lovely. Weekends can be lovely. Sex can be lovely. Long conversations at midnight may become so emotionally revealing that you begin mentally selecting a drawer for your toothbrush.

Then Monday arrives and the entire building seems to close for maintenance.

Nothing dramatic has happened. Nobody has argued. He simply retreats to whatever private wing of himself is permanently marked NOT PART OF THE TOUR.

This is where the confusion begins.

Because emotionally unavailable men are not necessarily cold men. Cold would be much easier. Cold has the decency to be unpleasant.

Mr. Unavailable may be affectionate, vulnerable and genuinely fond of you. He can offer enough emotional furniture to make the place look inhabited while somehow never handing you a key.

Sometimes he even talks beautifully about relationships.

He wants something meaningful.

He believes in love.

He is tired of superficial dating.

He would absolutely like to meet the right woman.

Marvelous.

But she may apparently visit only between seven and ten.

The curious thing about Mr. Unavailable is that closeness often works wonderfully as long as it remains slightly theoretical. He can discuss marriage, children, soulmates, heartbreak and the importance of finding someone special with the relaxed confidence of a man discussing property he has no intention of purchasing.

But allow the relationship itself to begin requiring something solid—consistency, emotional presence, a place in his actual life—and suddenly there are structural complications.

The timing is difficult.

His life is complicated.

He needs to take things slowly.

He has been hurt before.

Nothing here is necessarily untrue. Human beings arrive with history, fear and various pieces missing from the original packaging.

But Mr. Unavailable has a particular talent for turning temporary circumstances into permanent architecture.

There is always a reason the next room cannot be opened yet.

Perhaps after work settles down.

Perhaps after the divorce is completely behind him.

Perhaps when he feels more certain.

Perhaps when Mars has finished whatever Mars is doing.

Meanwhile, you remain in the beautifully appointed foyer. And because the foyer is genuinely lovely, it can take quite some time to notice that you have never been invited upstairs.

Emotional Visiting Hours

This is particularly confusing when he occasionally opens a door.

One extraordinary evening, he tells you everything. His childhood, his fears, the relationship that wounded him and some very personal thing he has never told anyone.

At last! Access!

The following morning, the door is closed again and there is apparently no record of anybody having opened it.

Mr. Unavailable has emotional visiting hours.

They are not published.

The temptation, naturally, is to assume that the glimpses are evidence of what will eventually become permanent. If he can be this close sometimes, surely the distance is merely a temporary inconvenience.

And perhaps that is Mr. Unavailable’s greatest charm: he rarely gives you nothing.

Nothing would be remarkably efficient.

Instead, he gives you samples.

A magnificent weekend here, a vulnerable conversation there; a glimpse of tenderness through an open doorway... He gives you just enough to make the rest of the building seem worth waiting for, and enough to remind you that the connection itself is real.

You are not imagining it. You are simply still touring it.

Some Mr. Unavailables know perfectly well what they are doing. Others are as confused by the situation as anyone. They genuinely believe they want a relationship because, in theory, relationships sound delightful.

Theory is one of Mr. Unavailable’s favorite neighborhoods.

Real intimacy is rather noisier. Another person develops needs, moods, expectations and an inconvenient habit of existing when he has not specifically arranged for her to exist.

Suddenly the beautiful fantasy has acquired groceries and this is often the exact moment when he suddenly begins yearning for space.

Not necessarily because he dislikes you. Sometimes he likes you enormously, and that is the absurd part.

He can miss you while keeping you away, fear losing you while refusing to hold on to you, and become strangely emotional when you finally begin leaving the property he never actually invited you to occupy.

Now he is standing in the doorway looking devastated because, in his mind, the Open House was not supposed to end.

Almost Inside

And this is what makes Mr. Unavailable so difficult to spot at first. You expect emotional unavailability to look like absence, when quite often it looks like almost.

Almost a boyfriend.

Almost a future.

Almost inside.

The rooms are beautiful. The lights are on. There may even be music coming from somewhere upstairs.

But after enough visits, one small detail becomes difficult to ignore.

You still do not have a key.