What works and what doesn’t or let’s talk about patience

I have seen this happening many times before and honestly ladies, to this day, I still believe that in order to keep a good relationship going being patient sometimes is really worth it.

Some of you may agree ‘that’s what I have been doing all along ’ while others may object. Ok, I do not know on what side of fence you are, but let me show you what I mean.

I’ll present you with a real life situation you have probably been through many times before and a suggested little ‘game plan’ that is actually worth playing… it is, if you think your relationship overall is good and/or you want to continue with a relationship (for whatever reason).

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Here is a very common one: his sudden pull away from the relationship.

I have never seen or met a woman who was OK with such a move and have never seen or met a woman who failed to notice such a sudden change. It is like one day they were in front of you and the next - they were gone. Who would not notice something like this, and more importantly - who would ENJOY or LIKE such a drastic change? Any takers? Heck, when we do it to our men they hate it themselves too!

Of course, when they pull away like that, they do not do it to intentionally hurt us. In the back of our mind we know it too, but it still hurts big time. It hurts every freaking time they do it. There is no way to ‘get used’ to it or to ‘take it easy’ or to get ‘desensitized’ to these things. We may forget how painful it was the last time, but the minute they pull off such a stunt again the exact same pain returns. There is no immunity to it.

I won’t talk about their reasons of pulling away and in case you are curious you’ll find them here. Instead, I’ll show you an example of how we may CHOOSE to act and to handle this situation.

It has been my observation that women handle these situations in 2, rather extremely opposite ways. See what category you fall into.

Case 1. Getting upset and showing it to their man. Yes, it hurts when they are ‘sort of gone’ or call once a week instead of every other day. It makes us mad big time. We feel abandoned, neglected, and off balance. I am not even talking about anxiety levels, lack of sleep and changes to our diet to cope with the pain.

We feel mad and we want our man to know it. What we do next is we either call and say ‘Where are you?’, ‘Why aren’t you calling?’ and ‘Are you OK?' or patiently wait until they finally call and then release the built up steam onto them with all the possible might we have and sting them with 220V charged words.

Case 2. Getting upset but NOT showing it to their man. Some women will pick this option. Maybe they have the patience of a saint, maybe these women are not into the relationship as much, maybe they are insecure and are afraid to rock the boat, or perhaps they are smart enough to understand what is going on and decide not to sweat the small stuff.

The bottom line is that even though they could be steaming inside, they won’t spill it out onto their man. They won’t call to enquire where he is, and when he finally calls, they will act like nothing happened. ’Hello perfect stranger. How have you been dear?’. Now, you may want to add some smiles and virtual kisses to the greeting and you get the idea. Yep, it’s a pure game.

Is she in pain? –yes. Is she mad? –yes. Does she secretly hate him for disappearing? –yes. I mean, yes-yes-yes to everything we know is not a ‘No’ and yet, she behaves as if all of those things were a simple ‘No’.

Let’s not analyze her contradictory behavior for now. (I wrote more about it in this article –Cutting on being agreeable and saying 'Yes' all the time), but instead let us take a look at what works and what does not work.

Case 1 will work for you short term, but it will not work for your man or your relationship long term. On the other hand, case 2 will NOT work for you short term, but it will work for your man and your relationship long term. Which one do you choose?

Here is what I suggest, and I hope my little ‘game plan’ will make sense to you. If you are in a good relationship and your man pulls away occasionally to do his own ‘thing’, I would stick with the behavior described in case 2. Why? Because it is really not worth it to ruin a good relationship with our strong emotional reactions over their behavior that is a basic need of theirs. They may think what you are obsessing about is not worth it. Keep in mind that it is their particular needs, goals and motives that are driving them. Let them be.

It may feel like denying our pain and acting like nothing happened just for the sake of keeping the peace and pleasing our man is not right, but guess what? Polls and polls of long term married couples show that the number one reason they are still together is because of PATIENCE.

Relationships are about patience. I mean - good relationships. I am not in any way advocating staying in bad relationships and do our best to be patient. Oh, hell no. It is the good ones where sometimes things do not go our way that are worth some self-sacrificing.

We may not be perfect too, so some of our behavior could be annoying to our man as well. I bet if you were to talk to him right now you would discover one or two things that annoy him like hell about you. However, he keeps ‘quiet’ about it because he appreciates and loves the rest of what you have together.

Looking at the bigger picture helps to get perspective. Is it worth it yelling at them over something that happens once in a blue moon? If they are a good boyfriend or caring husband who does everything for their woman, is it worth it spilling over our insecurities on them every time they choose to do their own ‘thing’? They are a man after all. Every man has a need to do his own ‘thing’. And, when that happens he needs to be alone. Let him be.

There are so many unhappy relationships out there. There are so many lonely people looking and looking for years for that special one. If you are in a good relationship, then ask yourself this: is it really worth it ruining a good relationship over their occasional quirks? Not sure about you, but personally I do not think so.

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