Do not be afraid to say 'NO'
It is the most kind, forgiving, and the nicest of us who happen to be ‘Yes’ people or simply put - the ones who are afraid to say ‘No’.
If, for example, you have a friend or even a relative who keeps borrowing money from you (but never pays back) you may not feel comfortable saying 'no' to them. You may not even have guts to remind them of what they owe you in the first place.
If, for example, you have someone asking you for constant favors, but when you need them - they are nowhere to be found, you may still be afraid to say No.
Why do we do THIS??
We do this because we are AFRAID.
~ We are afraid to offend them. We want to please and be likable. Saying ‘No’ feels like the opposite of this, so we say ‘Yes’.
~ We are afraid of rejection. We worry that if we stomp our foot and say ‘No’ they will get pissed and reject us forever.
~ We are afraid not to ‘fit in’. We want to be part of a team (an organization, a group, etc.) and saying 'No' would put us into outcast territory.
We say ‘Yes’ because we feel like we have no choice, because we are not used to saying ‘No’ or because we do not know how to do it.
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It is especially true for those who have been on a pleasing mode all their life and saying No has (probably) never even crossed their mind. There are ‘Yes’ people out there and you may even know several of them. You may not think of them as a ‘Yes’ person though. You may perceive them as someone who has an understanding heart, who is comfortable to be around, is extra-giving, and who goes along. No biggie you think. Right? Actually no.
Saying No is not about being mean, cruel, or unfriendly. It is about YOU setting up boundaries of how much you are willing to give and self-sacrifice in the name of others. It is all about BALANCE.
If you cannot balance your accommodating of others vs. your own needs, then you will never be fully happy with yourself. You may even secretly hate your ‘giving nature’ wishing your were like those ‘selfish people who do not care how others feel’. Not saying ‘No’ builds resentment which may spill over to other areas of your life.
You might think that being a ‘Yes’ person is the only way to be accepted and liked by others, but the fact is that it is the ‘No’ people who get admired and respected the most. It is no secret that ‘Yes’ people get walked over and taken advantage of all the time. In essence, ‘Yes’ people have it all backwards.
~ When you say ‘Yes’ to something uncomfortable because you want to be kind and loving TO THEM it negates your ability to be kind and loving towards YOURSELF. These two cannot be compatible. It is either your own comfort or theirs.
~ You want to show that you care and so you say Yes. You may certainly care about them, but do they care about you as much to do the same in return?? No? Then you have a right to say No too!
~ You may be afraid to say No because you do not want to make waves. You do not want to provoke them into doing something that would make things far worse. It is like you have no choice but to pick between two types of discomfort of various degrees.
This kind of trap is a pure setup. Are you aware they are in control of you? By trying to make things better and easier for them you make it more difficult and worse for yourself. This is a one-sided relationship with you pouring your time and emotions into a black hole.
Actually, you do not even need to be a super-conscientious and a good-hearted person to get yourself trapped into the ‘Yes’ mode. It happens to normal people too!
Let me give you an example.
A friend of mine—let’s call her Lori—once got a completely unexpected call from a friend asking if she could babysit her two-year-old. Lori had never even met the child before, but she agreed anyway. Why? Because she was on good terms with this person and she genuinely loves kids. She figured, it’s just an hour, no big deal.
There was no mention of payment, and honestly, Lori wouldn’t have taken it anyway. She didn’t feel comfortable accepting money from a friend… even though that same friend felt perfectly fine calling out of the blue and asking for her time.
A few weeks later, Lori gets another call.
This time the friend sounds frantic—“Something came up! Can you watch my baby for a couple of hours? My babysitter isn’t available, and I trust you more than anyone!”
It sounded urgent, so Lori agreed again. But this time, she had to cancel her hair appointment. And those “couple of hours”? They turned into four hours. Four!
I remember how upset she was afterward—exhausted, frustrated, and honestly a little taken advantage of. But she didn’t say anything. Her friend apologized, and Lori didn’t feel comfortable speaking up. She worried it might seem selfish. No money was offered again, just a vague promise of dinner “sometime.”
That dinner, of course, never happened.
But you can probably guess what did happen next —another call.
This time, Lori had had enough. She made an excuse and said no. For the first time, she put her own time, plans, and well-being first. She realized she needed to stop this before it turned into an ongoing expectation.
She never signed up to be someone’s regular babysitter. What was she—a 24/7 emergency service?
Good for her.
It may not be that hard to modify our behavior in the beginning. When all this ‘can you do this’ or ‘can you do that’ begins to emerge on horizon all we have do is to recognize what is happening and cut it off immediately.
No harm will be done TO THEM, believe me. They lived without your ‘Yes’ all this time and they will be OK with your 'No' too. I promise.
~ say No to babysit kids of a man you are dating IF he does not reciprocate in the manner you want. Do not even start it! It is about a give and take balance, remember?
~ say No to a poorly treating you date who asks you for multiple favors (perhaps you have connections?)
~ say No to any man who keeps saying No to you too!
If you have been a ‘Yes’ person for your entire life, then it may take time for people around you to adjust to your 'No'. Oh, it will be a hell of adjustment, actually!
You may lose some people in the process (I call them users and leaches) and your family and friends may not be happy at first. AND IT IS OK. It is expected. It will be like a ‘cleaning’ procedure – users and leaches will fall off and only those who truly care will stay. Makes sense?
When we change, we force people around us to change too. You may go as far as start saying little ‘No’-s to something insignificant. Just say that small ‘No’ and notice how it makes you feel. As you gain confidence, saying 'No' to bigger things will become easier and less scary.
We make this change to gain something no one will ever give us – the inner sense of peace and agreement. There is absolutely nothing worse than constantly going against ourselves. Say a big fat 'No' to your timid, insecure, and miserable 'Yes'!!
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