Why you shouldn't break your own boundaries

I believe it all starts from the very beginning – first phone calls, first emails or first dates. Sometimes it flashes straight into our eyes and sometimes it is subtle, BUT still uncomfortable enough to make us cringe inside.

Do you know what this 'is' that I am talking about?

Our violated boundaries.

Now, I want you to understand that having boundaries and sticking to them are absolutely two different things. Your ability to stick to them depends on your self-esteem and the sense of your own self-wroth. Having issues in this department DOES NOT mean you have no boundaries, however. It simply means you need help with erecting and staying within them.

When they do or say something weird, strange, bizarre or disrespectful we know. No matter how great things go, there will be a moment (eventually) when they slip and do something uncomfortable. Is it intentional? Are they being mean on purpose?

They drop the ‘I am the nice guy’ mask and do those things because:

~ they are a jerk
~ they are testing the waters to see how much they can get away with
~ they are immature and have no idea how ridiculous they come across
~ their previous woman was allowing it

Depending on our level of desperation for a relationship we MAY decide to let it slide (drama-free) hoping they 1) will appreciate our kindness and 2) will never do such a thing again. We do this because we believe they are aware. It is like we think that they know exactly what they did wrong and how much it made us uncomfortable.

Well, ladies, let me tell you this – good luck with that.

First of all, never assume you know what they think and second - instead of guessing what the hell they think when they do something stupid tell/show them what YOU THINK and what your expectations are.

In the very beginning of a dating relationship, when things are chocolaty and rosy, we have a golden opportunity to set our bar high enough to make it work for us.

It has to be subtle, but quite clear. You have to TRAIN them to behave with you in a certain manner. Here are the examples:

~ when he says something disrespectful or makes condescending comments do not pretend like you heard nothing. Say ‘Excuse me??’ instead. If he is not dumb, then he will know what flies and what does not fly with you.

~ at first signs of (his) poor availability do not be the one who always moves her calendar around to accommodate his wishes to meet. Do it several times in a row and voila – welcome to the ‘Poor Me’ world where your calendar and plans do not matter. It will be about his time, his plans, his schedule, his mood, and his super busy inflexible calendar.

~ if he is late do not wait forever. I know it may feel like you are ruining your chances, but believe me you are not.

~ do not agree and do not go along with anything that does not feel right or feels uncomfortable. Not even once.

Why it is so important.

Once you get loose with your boundaries it will be extremely difficult to get them back. “I usually do not do this, but there is something special about you so, my answer is Yes”. Later on, when things are out of control and you attempt to show them their place they are like “Wait a minute, it was OK with you before and suddenly it is not? How come?” or worse “ Why are you so naggy all of the sudden?”

We let them step over our boundaries because we hope we will be rewarded with a relationship. We do not want to think about the quality of a relationship at this time or how bad they are for us. We just hope that if we bend here and there it will make it easier (and faster) for them to like us.

We think that being demanding or expressing our opinion is a suicide for a budding relationship. We do our best to adjust and accommodate and later on wonder why we are in pain and why they are so rude, obnoxious, and disappointing. We thought we did everything we could to make it all work only to discover that our ‘soft, loving, sweet’ behavior has directly contributed to this exact problem.

Resentment will naturally grow as we feel like we are the one who has to break boundaries all the time to make this relationship work. How crazy is this?? Our treating them ‘nice’ and being ‘sweet and loving’ won’t make the problem disappear. In a perfect world there is a reward for good deeds, but unfortunately, when it comes to unbalanced relationships it is never the case.

Being too trusting does not work. We should not assume that our kind attempts will be rewarded and /or used for good purposes only. Quite often, when not handled properly, our kindness and good hearted nature works against us and hungry scavengers take advantage of it. Yes, that’s true, we can be our own enemy. They will never feel guilty though. It least in 99.99% of cases.

Erecting and staying within boundaries from the very start may seem like a difficult and scary task, BUT deep down we both agree that this is for your own self-protection.

Do not worry about what they think, feel or do, focus on your own comfort and STICK with your boundaries no matter what.

Getting loose here and there and then claiming your ‘rights’ back later on will send mixed signals and make it way more difficult FOR YOU to get that balance back. Remember, you have to train them, and you have to do it consistently. Do not assume they will get it the first time and will immediately self-correct. In many cases they will not.

Think of your past relationships and what caused you pain. Those are your exact weak spots you need to work on i.e. the areas that require boundaries.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - He keeps hurting me, Be The One for YOU, and Do not be afraid to say NO or this quality e-Course The Woman Men Adore... and Never Want to Leave.