He Is Not Having a Bad Week. This Is the Climate

Bad behavior can look surprisingly forgivable when it belongs to a man you really like.

One rude comment means he is tired, one selfish little episode means work has been awful, and a disappearing act may simply indicate that he is overwhelmed, confused, frightened by his feelings or temporarily unable to operate a telephone.

Very unfortunate weather. Surely it will pass.

And sometimes it does, because everybody has bad days, peculiar moods and moments when their personality briefly leaves the building. The interesting question is what happens when the rain keeps coming, because at some point you are no longer looking at weather.

You are looking at climate.

Jerks Usually Arrive Under Pleasant Skies

A genuine jerk rarely introduces himself by ruining dinner in the first seven minutes, because that would be terribly inefficient.

More often, the opening weather is lovely. He is charming, interested, attentive enough to make you think the forecast looks extremely promising, and perhaps even tells you how much he values honesty, kindness and mutual respect.

Naturally.

Nobody puts LIKELY TO BECOME EXHAUSTING BY NOVEMBER on a dating profile.

Then a small cloud appears. Perhaps he speaks to you with unnecessary contempt, dismisses something that matters to you or behaves selfishly enough to make you pause—nothing enormous, just one of those moments when the emotional temperature drops several degrees and you think, Well, that was odd.

But there was sunshine yesterday, so you call it a passing shower. Then another cloud arrives, and another, until eventually the sky is becoming suspiciously organized.

A Pattern Is Just Weather That Has Settled In

This is where women can become remarkably generous meteorologists.

We are excellent at explaining isolated incidents, particularly when the alternative explanation is that the man we like may simply be unpleasant.

He is stressed, he has trust issues, his previous relationship damaged him, he does not know how to express himself—all entirely possible, which is what makes explanations so annoyingly useful.

It is also possible that he is simply a man who routinely treats people badly and has now reached your part of the country.

Character has an annoying habit of bringing its own weather wherever it goes.

A man who has spent years being selfish, contemptuous, dishonest or casually cruel does not usually become a model of consideration because a woman has arrived in a gorgeous dress and sincere intentions.

People can change, certainly, although meeting you is not generally considered a complete personality renovation.

A pity, because being the woman who inspires a total atmospheric transformation has undeniable appeal.

Soon You Own an Emotional Umbrella

The longer bad behavior continues, the stranger the relationship can become, because you gradually stop asking whether the weather is acceptable and begin adjusting yourself to it.

You learn when not to bring something up, notice which moods require extra room, recognize the early signs of an incoming squall, and perhaps become absurdly pleased when an entire weekend passes without anything unpleasant happening.

What a beautiful Saturday. No thunder whatsoever.

This is how a relationship with a jerk can quietly turn you into a private meteorologist. Instead of simply enjoying the relationship, part of you is scanning the horizon and wondering what mood he is in, whether the atmosphere feels safe, and whether dinner is actually dinner or the beginning of a low-pressure system.

A decent relationship should not require this much interest in barometric conditions.

Then the Sun Comes Out and Confuses Everybody

Of course, difficult men are rarely difficult every minute, because that would make the whole situation considerably easier.

The storm passes and suddenly he is delightful again—affectionate, funny, generous, perhaps even apologetic—and for a few glorious days you think, See? This is the real him.

Possibly, although the rainy version did not belong to somebody else.

This is where intermittent sunshine earns far too much credit. Three lovely days can somehow erase three miserable weeks because hope is an enthusiastic little travel agent and has already booked us somewhere warm.

But two sunny afternoons do not make the Mediterranean.

If the same weather keeps returning, perhaps the sunshine is not evidence that the climate has changed. Perhaps sunshine simply lives there too, popping out occasionally to keep the brochure attractive.

A Thunderstorm Does Not Become Provence Because You Love It

One of romance’s more ambitious ideas is that the right woman will somehow inspire a badly behaved man to become an entirely different man.

His previous relationships were messy because those women did not understand him, he was unkind because he had never felt safe, and he was selfish because nobody had shown him enough love.

Then you arrive.

Surely Tuscany by spring.

It is a gorgeous theory, and occasionally people really do grow, but a longstanding pattern of disrespect is not a small cloud waiting for the right woman to blow it away.

If he has spent years leaving emotional debris behind him, your affection does not automatically turn him into a gentle coastal breeze. Love can do many beautiful things; issuing a completely new climate to a grown man is rather ambitious.

Sometimes the forecast really is him.

Eventually You Stop Checking Tomorrow

Eventually something becomes much simpler: you stop asking whether next week will be better and notice what the weather has actually been doing—not one bad evening, not one unfortunate remark, but the climate.

Once you see that, all those little forecasts lose some of their magic.

Maybe tomorrow he will be charming, maybe the sun will come out, and maybe there will even be flowers.

Lovely.

But if you have spent the entire relationship carrying an umbrella even under blue skies because you have learned that the rain always comes back, perhaps the problem was never the forecast at all. You kept waiting for the weather to change without realizing that the climate was the man.