Do not be afraid to break up!
Many of us are afraid to break up. There could be many reasons why, but the most common one is fear - the fear of being alone.
We are afraid to break up because we do not want to be alone… forgetting that we are alone already. Yes, it is perfectly possible to feel alone while in a relationship. Especially the one that is on the edge of a breakup.
Every relationship has its own ‘life span’. The good ones last for many years while the bad ones deteriorate and die. The tricky thing is that most relationships start as 5 star relationships, which is usually about serenades under the moon, countless ‘I love you’-s, roses and chocolate, undivided attention, and hundreds of promises.
Of course, nothing is wrong about it per se, except the fact that not all relationships are destined to maintain their 5 star status which means the ones that are destined to fail will eventually end.
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The ones that are doomed to fail do not just end overnight though. First they dwindle down to 4 or 3 star relationships, then to 2, and then to 1. Once our relationship turns into a 1 star one we become pretty miserable. Heck, 3 star relationships are bad enough to feel uncomfortable, and we are talking about a 1 star one here!
Every time our relationship loses a star we make unconscious (and sometimes conscious) adjustments to keep it going. 5 star ones are easy and therefore no adjustments are necessary; it is when they slide into a 3 or 2 star category we begin sensing that our proactive input is needed ‘to make it work’ and keep it going.
We plead, manipulate, have ’talks’, throw temper tantrums, threaten to leave, feel upset and hurt, get suspicious, create drama, feel like getting crazy, visit a counselor, try to reason, become a door mat, tolerate the intolerable and forgive the unforgivable, break up-make up, teach them a lesson, cry, snoop through their phone, love-hate them and wish they were the exact loving, attentive person we met months or years ago.
If we do all of the above (and more) except of leaving, then eventually we get so used to being in a 2 or 1 star relationship that we forget what a 5 star one feels like. Yes, WE FORGET. Just like one woman said ‘I had no idea how bad and uncomfortable my old shoes were until I tried the new ones’.
We become accustomed to being in pain, to feeling constantly frustrated, unloved, and undervalued. And, the lower the rating of a relationship is, the more damaging it is to our emotional well-being. A pretty grim picture I would say…
With this being said, many of us are stuck in depressing relationships, but are afraid to leave (or are not sure if they need to leave) because of fear of pain and of fear of never finding anything better. Leaving feels like the end of life, the end of the world, and the end of the Universe.
Let me rephrase it for you so you would see how ridiculous it sounds: you are in a miserable 1 star relationship and are afraid that you won’t find anything better.
EVERYTHING ELSE is better than 1 star! Of course, if you do not learn your lesson, you may end up being in an unsatisfying relationship more than once, but that’s what the point is all about: you need to work up a courage to quit, to learn why it did not work out, and then find one that will work for you. If you do not learn your lesson you will be destined to move from one dubious relationship to another until you LEARN.
As for the fear of pain, let’s face it – you are in pain already. Even though you are still in a 1 star relationship, you are alone, miserable, and in pain. Cannot be ‘better’ than this, can it??
You are in pain because of your long term avoidance of… pain. You chose not to see the things for what they were because deep down you knew they were not pretty. You chose to live in denial because facing reality meant facing the truth and the pain of that truth. Rather than quitting MUCH earlier you kept ‘adjusting’ or in other words sliding down the drain of multiple excuses to keep – ahem – ‘the relationship’ alive.
There is no such a thing as a ‘painless breakup’. You will be in pain but I suggest you look at it differently. Yes, breakups signify change and loss, but they signify liberation and a new beginning as well. Breakups set us FREE. Just look what you gain.
~ stressful fights
~ anxiety, paranoia about their whereabouts, and mood swings
~ pretending like everything is OK if it is not
~ worries about them being late or wondering who the hell they are with
~ sleepless nights over their not calling or ‘forgetting to call’
~ holding on to a cell phone as if it was your oxygen tank
~ feeling like we are a second class citizen, like we are unlovable, or like we’re doing something wrong to make them ‘behave like this’
~ feeling like this is all our fault or there is something gravely wrong with us
~ putting up with their nasty habits
~ trying harder. You are done!
~ guiding, explaining, taking care of things, mothering, and still feeling UNAPPRECIATED in the end
~ waiting for them to change (because they won't)
~ NO MORE BS!
Sometimes we come to the sad realization that if not for our patience, an enormous tolerance of a mother Theresa, understanding, agreeing with everything, unlimited one-sided giving, and self-sacrifices, the relationship would not stand a chance of continuing.
Without all of this ‘fuel’ it would quickly deteriorate and die. I say, STOP doing all the ‘adjustments’ to keep it going and let it DIE. That’s what selfish loving themselves women do – they do not bend over to keep it, they step over and move forward with their life.
Relationships that are good for us do not require too much of an effort on our part. They easily blend in with our daily routine and our personality. They feel comfortable, calm, and natural. They are easier to maintain and they are less problematic, plus they last much longer too!
If you feel like this 1,000 word article made you a little bit stronger, then imagine how empowered you will feel after reading my 11,000 word eBook – When you are DESPERATE FOR HIS LOVE how to leave your bad relationship without feeling like you are going against yourself. This beautiful and insightful book will re-program your brain! Seriously, why cling to a 1 star relationship you do not even want??