You do not need to be on the same page with them to move on
“If only he expressed remorse, agreed to talk things through or gave me a hint that he finally ‘got it’ I would be able to forgive and move on. How do I let this cliff-hanger go? I am in suspense all the time” - Helen from FL.
Many of us have troubles letting go and moving on because of this one single reason – the other party’s ambivalence. They seemed indifferent and ambivalent back then, and now, when everything is over, they are still the same – indifferent and ambivalent.
Don’t they have questions to ask? Aren’t they hurting? Didn’t they learn something? Don’t they realize what an idiot and jerk they were? Don’t they have REGRETS?
Yes, we do want them to have regrets. To have regrets means realizing one’s own mistakes. Once it is all in the open, we think we could finally have a meaningful, quality conversation to make them ‘get it’ this time. We hope they will see things from our perspective, and as a result, we would feel less angry and hurt. In essence, we see their validation / understanding / agreement as a necessary condition for us to forgive and move on.
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I get it. The unresolved anger, the hurt, the vacuum created by their disappearance, and a million of unanswered questions make it very difficult to simply let go. We can’t just stand up in the middle of a movie and leave, can we? There was the beginning, the was the middle, and there is the end. The logical end. The end that explains everything and puts dots above each ‘i’. Just like with that movie, can’t we make it happen in our broken relationship too?
Yes you can, and the good news is – you do not need your ex to make it happen. You can do it yourself and actually, you can make it all happen TODAY.
You see, you do not need your ex’s agreement, validation, understanding, tears of remorse, pleading and his asking for forgiveness to move on. You do not need to think and re-think of their broken promises, sneaky behavior, the hurt they gave you and your inability to forgive unless they cry with remorse or beg on their knees for your forgiveness. These are the obstacles you have no control over.
You cannot make your ex feel or think the way you do. They may never become the person you want and/or they may never say the words you need to hear. You need to step out of the ‘me and my ex’ box and step forward into the ‘me’ one instead.
Once it is all about you – it has to be ALL ABOUT YOU from this point forward anyway – it is also about control and being your own boss of the matter. You now have the choice to stop dwelling on your ex, and start supporting and loving yourself more. You now have to make a conscious choice to be OK with unanswered questions, the vacuum they created by disappearing, their indecent behavior and many other unresolved issues.
Be OK with it just like you are OK with bad weather, sold out items, or those lottery tickets that never won.
Be OK with the fact that they are a different person and forgiving/understanding them would not change a thing. They would still be the same mean, selfish, and hurtful person doing the exact same thing.
Be OK with not receiving validation, approval, understanding from them since this is the only way to achieve inner emotional balance and PEACE. You do not need anything from them, not even their official 'good-bye'.
Be OK with all of it, and simply let it be.
Let it be as there is no other – better - way around it. Overtime you will feel better and stronger. Keep moving in this direction and do not look back.
I heard of instances of those who felt like ‘giving one more chance to the broken relationship’ because they suddenly felt ‘better and stronger’. Their reasoning was “Oh, I feel so much better now. I am not as emotional as I used to be. Maybe I could handle it now. I have immunity!” Needless to say, they ended up in the exact same pain again.
We may forget the pain we had in a relationship, but it does not mean we can’t feel it again should the circumstances become ‘right’.
Do not hold on to your depressing past too closely. You are the boss, remember? If so, it is up to you to let it go. Be OK with your unresolved past at this time because after a while it won’t even matter anymore.