Did you just snoop through his phone?
Did you just snoop through his phone? Of course he made you do it! No human does anything out of the blue, there have to be some motives and reasons involved.
Besides, it is very very hard NOT to snoop when it feels like he is hiding something.
Because of past negative experiences – such like cheating, lies, and all the pain associated with them – you want to make sure that this time you won’t be fooled or strung along. You want to know the truth, the kind of truth he will not tell.
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You figure: ‘Once I know what is REALLY going on, I’ll know what to do’, and ‘I do not think I can trust his words, I can get all the truth I need from his phone’ or ‘I deserve to know the truth’.
Well, first of all, I am not here to judge you. Things happen, I get it. One thing for you to know however, is that there is not a single man in this world who would appreciate being snooped on.
What would you expect him to say? “Oh really, darling? Did you just snoop through my phone? Did you find what you were looking for? Here is my new pass code and I’ll keep the phone on my dresser, feel free to snoop anytime you feel like it”. After that he may even add ‘You are the best thing that ever happened to me’.
And second: when you snoop through his phone you are on your own. In 9.99 cases out of 10 he will not tell you the truth (or the whole truth).
Do you know the code every man operates on when caught cheating? The code is - DENY, DENY, DENY! This famous joke demonstrates it vividly:
A wife who just caught her husband in bed with another woman: “Darling, who is this?”
Husband: “Who are you talking about?”
Wife: “The woman, in your bed!”
Husband: “What woman? I do not see any woman”
In my experience, most women tend to feel worse (not better!) after snooping through their guy’s phone. They tend to end up having more fights, more confusion, and higher levels of anxiety.
Because I do not want you to feel confused, scared, embarrassed, paranoid, or obsess over something that is not worth obsessing, I have decided to write this article. I want you to feel better and I want you to feel in control.
Now, let’s take a closer look at this whole snooping thing and figure out what it all means.
If you JUST started dating then snooping through his phone (and hoping to get some answers from him afterwards) is a totally useless idea. Why? Since you just met, and since he was not living in a vacuum before meeting you, he may naturally have other people in his contacts. Actually, if you just started dating it means you are not exclusive, and he very well may be seeing/ talking to/ chatting with other women. At this early stage he thinks he can do whatever he wants, and he does not think he owes you an explanation.
Let me repeat it one more time: since you just met he does not think he owes you an explanation. He does not think he is in a relationship!
I say, forget what you saw and do not ask him anything, but instead try to figure out why you did what you did:
~ Was there something in your gut?
~ Did you feel like something was off but could not put your finger on it?
~ Did his behavior or mixed signals make you feel insecure?
Try to answer these questions because knowing the answer will be YOUR answer on what to do next. At this time your own reflection and understanding of what you feel, how he makes you feel, and how you feel about the entire dating ‘relationship’ with this man, will give you the answers.
Let me say it in different words. In the very beginning, when he is on his best behavior and acts like Mr. Prince Charming, showers you with attention, compliments, and makes you feel like The One, you should NOT feel like there is ‘something wrong’.
You should not have an urge ‘to check’ or ‘to verify’ (via his phone) just to ‘make sure’ he is for real. You are his Special Woman and this is how you are supposed to feel. Anything but that, and you have a big red flag on your hands.
If your gut tells you that something is wrong, then something is wrong. Possible reasons for feeling off and insecure in the very beginning of your dating relationship:
~ He is in a relationship with someone else which means he is cheating on her with you. In other words – you are ‘the other woman’. When a man is not fully with us we can feel it in our gut.
~ He is a commitment phobic. He is all over you one day and not so much the other. His erratic behavior makes you feel insecure and you are tempted to figure out (by snooping through his phone) what is REALLY going on.
~ You are chronically needy and insecure. Checking his phone (and hoping to find nothing) is like obtaining additional prove that you are the only woman in his life who he cares about.
~ He is actively dating, meaning you are not the only woman he is seeing. Again, when a man is not with us completely, we can feel it.
So, what should you do now?
I think it is pretty simple. In the very beginning, every man who is crazy about his woman, tries his absolute best to impress her and make her like him too. The paramount words here are ‘In the very beginning’.
Take a look at your man. Whatever he is doing now – this is the best of him you can expect. Does ‘the best of him’ make you feel happy and secure, or unhappy and insecure? Does ‘the best of him’ make you feel Special, or like some spare airport he landed on by accident? Remember, this is ‘his best’ we are talking about. After the initial rush is over ‘his best’ will turn into ‘his normal’, meaning if you’re feeling bad ALREADY, you will feel even worse after that.
Do you want to stay with a man who is not capable of making you happy in the very beginning? Do you want to stay with someone who makes your daily life worse instead of better? I do not think so! He is a bad apple and you need to get rid of him asap. There is nothing here left for you to explore, he is a wrong candidate and leaving this early should not be difficult. Better to leave after 5 dates than after 5 years!
If, however, you ARE happy with the way he treats you, then I suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt. Keep dating and see how things go. As your dating relationship keeps developing and growing, so does his commitment towards it.
If he adores you, then it will just be a matter of time when the rest of the females he is talking to will fall off his radar. Remember, you JUST started dating, your relationship is brand new, and he may not even think you are in a relationship in the first place! (sleeping together does not count)
If you are in a relationship already AND found out that he is talking to someone else then your strategy should be a bit different. Do not judge his relationship with the other woman by his sms only. Does he call her also? Do they spend time together? You may not know the answers, and do not expect him to be open about it either.
What you should do, however, is to ask him this one simple question: “Darling, are you happy with our relationship?”
His answer will tell you everything about his feelings for you and his relationship with you.
His ‘everything is fine dear’ answer will mean that he is 1) lying 2) not willing to change anything to make things better between you two. Men do not JUST cheat, they cheat because of some missing need.
His ‘everything is fine’ answer means that he is not willing to open up about his needs… and if you do not know what they are, how are you supposed to make things better?? Things will continue the way they are, and he will keep satisfying his missing need(s) with someone else.
His words like, ‘well, you see, I would like us to try…’, or ‘it used to be this and that way, and now…' will show that he is willing to open up and share what bothers him. This is a very good sign and you should do your best to listen.
Men are not that naggy by nature. They tend to keep everything that bothers them to themselves. Make him talk and take mental notes of everything he is saying. If you love him and would like to make things work, then his answer will be everything you need to know to make it happen!
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