Boundaries III - How to establish personal boundaries guide
If yes, then please know that such a mindset is absolutely unacceptable and I hope that by the time you finish reading this article you will feel differently.
You see, emotionally healthy women have no problem dumping wrong men. They would not even massage their ass for pay! It is those who keep re-living unhealthy patterns that have issues with dumping such men.
A woman with heavy childhood patterns can tolerate everything, as long as anyone, even an abuser and a rapist, is around. These patterns need to be worked out. No man in the world is worth tolerating violence. You do not want to be in a place where even despair dies.
Relationships are meant to make us feel better, not worse. Why live a life full of anguish and misery? No relationship is worth it!
As for boundaries, I have great news for you. Ready?
Every reasonable man will accept and understand boundaries. And, although some of the men got spoiled by needy women, most of them dated at least one self-respecting woman with boundaries.
What it means to you is that even though having boundaries may feel strange, uncomfortable, and like something drastically new to you, a woman with boundaries won’t be something new to him.
Additionally, as soon as he sees you as someone with boundaries you will immediately be put into a ‘Queen’ category (versus a ‘Doormat’ one).
Men are sneaky creatures. It takes them very little time to size us up: “Is she beddable or weddable?”
I hope the above points made you feel a little bit more comfortable about having boundaries. Men are not stupid. It is up to us to train them how to behave with us. No worries about losing a good man. He will flex and re-adjust ‘to make it work’ with you.
No cookie jar is too high for a panda who is willing to try and try! Yeah… a naughty panda. See how cute?
Ok, let’s grab a pen and a sheet of paper and get started. Let’s create a list of everything that from this point forward WILL NOT BE ALLOWED WITH YOU. Bye-bye toxic vultures!
1. Leaving immediately
List your absolute deal-breakers here.
As a helpful hint, think of the behaviors and actions of men who hurt you the most. What exactly did they do to make you feel that way? Could you see it coming? Were there red flags or warning signs? List these behaviors and warning signs.
The bottom line - you do not want to go through hell anymore.
2. Will give him a chance
Here you need to understand that we are talking about several chances, not about ENDLESS chances.
Giving several chances makes sense because it takes more than one attempt to re-adjust and correct certain behaviors and habits.
Let’s say a man you date uses foul language and it makes you uncomfortable. The thing is, if it is a long-term habit, then he may not be aware of it. It may take several attempts of your pointing it out before the change takes place. Some people just need to be told to pay attention to what comes out of their mouths.
Maybe his previous girlfriend did not mind or maybe she was the same as him, who knows…
Let’s say a man you date is chronically late. It is certainly rude and disrespectful to make someone wait and you would be in your full right to confront such behavior.
Think of it this way: if they were to meet a President of the United States, would they be late? If they were to meet a famous celebrity, would they be late? What if it was about signing a lucrative multi-billion dollar contract with a customer? Would they still be late?? A million times - I do not think so!!
They are not late because it is the way they are (aka a hopeless case), they are late because they chose to be late. They chose to be late with you!
You either nip it in the bud immediately or the deal is over. They are a sloppy, disrespectful, self-centered person who does not respect you and your time. Letting it slide would bring only more problems later on.
Do not be discouraged with certain behaviors that seem ‘chronic’ or ‘unfixable’. Some men like to push the envelope intentionally to see how much they can get away with. In short – they act like Jerks on purpose to assess your reaction and standards.
Remember this: Men DO know how to treat a woman with respect and your boundaries will place them into that role.
Remember this as well: If a man continues to do what brings you pain, despite the explanations, requests, and punishments, you must leave. It will not be possible to build a normal relationship with a person who ignores your pain and requests.
3. Willing to compromise
Only list the things that you could live with.
You see, we are not perfect. The other person will never be 100% of what we want them to be. There will always be something that we do not like. It goes both ways, by the way.
Let’s say they are a smoker or let’s say they have a child from a previous relationship and still talking to their ex as a result. Would you be able to live with this?
Some women are OK with certain things and some are not. YOU decide for yourself what you can tolerate long term. You create your own laws and rules here… something that won’t affect you negatively long term.
Think of what you won’t tolerate and under what circumstances you will have to leave. Make it your own law!
Breaking your own word (your own law) will only show the man that he can do anything with you. If, for example, he still talks to his ex, despite your multiple requests not to and your threats to leave, and you are still with him, then do not be surprised if he sleeps with her in front of you one day.
As a reminder: boundaries are not just about keeping people in your life on certain terms, they are also about eliminating those who are not healthy for you.
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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