The difference between healthy and abusive relationships
Are you in a healthy or abusive relationship? Here is how you know: in a healthy relationship we feel CALM.
When we feel calm and secure in a relationship, we have no need to snoop through their phone or emails, to spy on them or to demand to know about their whereabouts. Also, it never occurs to us to constantly prove something to them or to beg for their love and attention.
In a healthy relationship, we feel respected and loved for who we are. There is no need ‘to change’ or ‘to please’ to earn their love. There are no games of any kind and there is no need to compete for their love. All of those things and more are given freely.
Of course, there is no lifetime guarantee for love, but when in a healthy relationship, we do not have the feeling of constant anxiety for tomorrow and the behavior of our partner. We are secure in his feelings for us. Deep down we know that he does not want to hurt us emotionally. He is protective of us!
And, what happens in abusive relationships? How do you recognize them?
Abuse is not always about physical abuse. There is emotional abuse as well.
The very first sign of abusive relationships is ANXIETY.
Are you feeling constantly anxious, insecure, and scared?
Are you checking on their mood every morning to guess what might be coming? Do you lay low most of the time because they cannot handle your complaints about unmet needs? (Oh gee, not again. Have you eaten a bad clam?) Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells most of the time?
Is there a great deal of manipulation, silent treatment, downplaying of your emotions, gaslighting, and other behaviors that drive you hysterical and nuts, and then subsequently accusations of you being hysterical and nuts and never satisfied with anything?
Even though this abuse and destruction could be happening every day in your relationship, this is not how the abuser behaves in public. When in public, he puts on a face of a decent man, and therefore it is useless to seek help from friends. They simply will not believe you!
Abusers are experienced and talented players. You are neither the first one nor the last. They have mastered the game to perfection and will play it on their terms to the end.
In the end, it will be you who feels crushed and destroyed; it will be you who will fall off the cliff and descent into a vortex of pain… while he will quickly and easily find another woman. An abuser's penis is like a heat-seeking missile – it never fails to find somebody else, believe me.
Please remember, the first sign of an abusive relationship is the feeling of discomfort. It could be very subtle and something that is hard to put your finger on, but it is always there.
Don’t ignore the feeling! Walk! You do not have the time to rent a clown, do you?? Walk away from the deal!
Those who will stay, however, will fall into the following traps:
~ Good Girl syndrome
I will do all I can to prove to him that I am better than his ex. He was hurt by her and seems to be on guard. Having me in his life will prove that not every woman is a bitch!
~ Casino effect
I have already invested so much. I know the prize is coming. He is about to realize what he has and we will live happily ever after.
~ Rescuer syndrome
I’ll rescue him! He was wounded, but he will heal with me. He is not a bad man after all.
And now you are on the hook. You work hard 24/7 to earn his love and approval – something that should NOT be happening in a healthy relationship.
You put his needs ahead of yours, make an effort to listen, forgive all kinds of crap, try harder and harder… while he acts like the selfish self-centered smug jack-ass that he is.
Weeks and months will pass by, but there will be no positive result. There will never be a positive result. Yodeling in a cave, all alone, with no one listening… After thousands and thousands of ass-hours together, what results do you expect?
It may be incredibly difficult to grasp and accept the situation for what it is, but the stages of awareness and acceptance are necessary. This is the only way to leave an abusive relationship and gain freedom.
Recovering from a sick relationship is possible. Spread your wings and don’t you dare back down. You were given life to enjoy and love. You were not born to suffer from pain and abuse. I am absolutely positive about that!
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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