The Narcissist: when it is his way or the highway
There are types – I call them narcissists – who think they are entitled to getting what they want. No exceptions. Yep, it is either their way or the highway.
And, if you have been unfortunate enough to be in a relationship with this type, then you know how difficult it is.
Deep down you know that the only way to sustain such a relationship is to do ‘their way’. Again, no exceptions.
‘Their way’, however, is not always in line with yours. Actually quite often it is just the opposite. That is why these one-sided relationships are so difficult.
They get their way and their needs met at your expense – your time, your interests, your choices, your opinion, your preferences, and your feelings.
In order to get their way they may go as far as manipulate your sense of reasoning. ‘Hey, how come you are so unappreciative? I am doing it for us!’
Examples (see if you were a victim of this):
• during the dating stage they do all the pickings – like places to go and restaurants to eat. Your suggestions get brushed off on premises that they ‘know better’.
• when in a relationship it is always about them. It is like they are suffering from the ‘me-me-me’ syndrome. It is always about their mood, needs, ideas, and various plans.
They are sooo preoccupied with themselves, and are so self-absorbed that at times you may even wonder if they are in a relationship with themselves and you are a third wheel.
It is like “What do you need me for? You won’t listen to my input and won’t care about my opinion. Never mind my feelings”. It is so easy to feel INSIGNIFICANT when it is happening… like you do not matter.
Do you feel like you are their Insignificant Other?
It is easy to feel scared, intimidated, anxious, and powerless when dealing with a narcissist. They are big time manipulators and at times it may feel weird and strange to be this super unhappy with someone who is doing ‘their best’ to make you happy.
Are you missing something here? Are you being excessively judgmental? Why are their supposedly good deeds and good intentions making you so uneasy?
This is because when they force us to do something we do not want and disregard our opinion in the process it feels like we have No Choice.
That’s right. As I stated in the beginning - it is either their way or the highway.
When they force us to do something we do not want – time and time again - it is easy to get exhausted with them eventually. Yes, we do spoil them with being a nice person and doing it their way all the time, but guess what?
The minute you rebel and say ‘No’ they turn into an angry monster blaming YOU for ruining an easy going and a good relationship. Suddenly you become a bad guy who ‘has a problem’. It is totally crazy because we both know that it is not you, it is THEM.
Why it happens?
You see, the only way for a narcissist to sustain long term friendships or romantic relationships is when the other party complies with their whims. There is no other way around it.
As a result of a natural selection process only those who were able to bend over to put up with their BS have stayed and those who were ‘less flexible’ are gone.
What it means is that all of the people who are currently involved with a narcissist do a great deal of putting up with their BS. And they do so on a regular basis.
Are you one of them?
Narcissists do not change. Whether you are their romantic partner or just a friend you are expected to comply by default. You are expected to agree and say yes to an ‘A‘ even though it is the ‘B’ that you need or want. Remember, they know better what is better for you.
If you are currently involved with a narcissist and have a great deal of feelings for them it can be extremely difficult to make a needed change. I understand how you feel. Yes, I do.
I also want you to understand that you have a problem too. Forget about fixing them. How about improving the quality of your love life?
• in the beginning of a dating relationship pay close attention to what makes you feel uncomfortable. If that ‘something’ repeats itself over and over again and if you do nothing to address that ‘something’ a future heart ache is guaranteed.
We have a habit of justifying their missteps – ‘Oh he works so much, he must be very tired, why aggravate him even more by disagreeing’ (Aren’t you tired too??)
• keep your eye on their overall behavior and be prepared to answer this – ‘DO THEY DESERVE MY LOVE?’
• think about boundaries. Many people do not get it and that is why, and let me repeat it one more time: erecting and sticking to your boundaries should feel comfortable.
Do not feel guilty about it! It is those who constantly break or blatantly ignore your boundaries who should feel guilty and uncomfortable. Get it? If sticking to your own boundaries makes you uncomfortable, then you have it all upside down.
• be prepared for the relationship to collapse. Narcissists and boundaries are not compatible. If you are currently involved with a narcissist and decide to assert your boundaries it will collapse. Good for you.
• remember the blame game they were playing with you? ‘I was going to invite you to a dinner, but your were too needy’, ‘I was going to propose, but you got too impatient’, ‘I was going to do A, B, and C for us, but you did this and that and therefore the A,B, and C will not happen’.
I suggest for you to continue the game and go with the following ‘I was going to give you another chance but my sanity came back’. See where I am going with this?
Also, never take personally their ways. They are like this with everybody, not just you. Next time when it is their way or the highway simply take the highway instead and then the nearest exist to disappear on them for good.
P. S. I understand that your situation could be unique and too complicated. If so, would you like to get help from an affordable licensed professional? If so, then I would like to recommend you this online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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