The needier we are, the less we receive from a relationship
Not needy people have no issues leaving an unsatisfactory relationship. When they feel like it is not working out they leave. And the needy ones? They stay no matter what. They may whine, scream, complain, cry, threaten to leave etc., but at the end of the day they are still there, stuck with an incompatible partner.
When we feel needy we feel abandoned and unloved. We feel like we are not that important to the other person, like they have power over our sense of well-being, our mood, feelings, sense of self-wroth, self-esteem, and self –value.
Neediness invites mistreatment. You see, when they know they can get away with anything (and you will still stay), they lose respect for you. Where there is no respect, there is no love and attraction. There is no need for them to ‘make things work’, to be nice or to ‘try harder’.
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I‘ll tell you more: this imbalance will eventually make both parties miserable . It is not just the needy one who suffers, the other one becomes unhappy too.
When we are needy we feel scared. We are afraid to say something stupid to upset them or to do something wrong to make them angry enough to leave. Because of this fear, we feel like we have no choice, but to walk on eggshells.
As a result, instead of having healthy and honest communication we are focused on doing and saying things that would please our partner. The communication in itself becomes stifled and the relationship - artificial.
When we are needy, we unwillingly do things that sabotage a good relationship. Some of us snoop through their phones, pockets and personal belongings. Others act suspicious and interrogate for no reason. I once heard a story of a woman demanding her innocent man to admit to his cheating. He did not cheat on her, but she ‘felt’ like he did.
When we are needy we live in our thoughts rather than in true reality. We make them the center of the Universe and assume that their behavior is a direct reflection of who we are or what we do.
I once talked to a woman who was surprised to learn that her man was not her Siamese twin, but a separate individual whose actions, thoughts, and behavior were not always related to her.
“He has been so distant recently. I think he wants to break up!” – one woman complained. Later on it was discovered that the stressed out man was tied up with work and tight deadlines. Ridiculous, isn’t??
Here is the bummer, ladies:
When we are needy and over-reacting over every little thing, they may not want to say or do things to ‘set us off’ further or ‘hurt our feelings’ which means that they may not have a choice but to walk on eggshells themselves. Since they sense our dependence on them, they may feel like it is their responsibility to keep us happy.
In some way it makes sense because that’s exactly what is going on. Unfortunately, this sort of dynamic stifles communication even further, leading to further deterioration of a relationship.
Unfortunately, as the imbalance grows bigger, so does the chance of a breakup. Eventually they get tired of our needy ways because this is not what they signed up for or agreed to upon entering a relationship.
They did not sign up for calming down someone else’s anxieties, providing constant reassurance, and taking care of someone else’s sense of well-being. They did not sign up for mentoring, counseling, guiding, explaining, taking care of an individual who seems to always be falling apart and who never seems to be together.
They find it very hard to almost unbearable to listen to a needy person. As a result, respect takes a nose dive and love goes away. It is very difficult for a man to love a woman who behaves like a needy child. There is no equality in such a relationship.
Men dump needy women because relationships with such women feel like a stressful job. The needier we are, the less we receive. The needier we are, the harder it is to love us. And, as they love us less, they become less committed and less motivated. It is like a domino effect… with us being a direct culprit factor.
Dealing with neediness
If you are generally a needy and insecure person, then you have probably developed a habit of having negative thoughts – “What if he breaks up with me?”, “What if he lies?”, “Does he really love me like he says? I find it hard to believe”.
As we have negative thoughts, we tend to act upon them and that’s what ruins our relationship. In order to stop this cycle we need to distinguish between what is actually happening and what the true facts are. It may not be easy at first (change is never easy), but keeping this in mind should alleviate anxieties to some degree.
Remember, most of the time it is in our head only. The reality is different.
Another way of overcoming neediness and anxiety is seeing and accepting things for what they are versus wanting them to be different. If a man acts in a certain way, why not accept it? He is who he is, take it or leave it.
Why stress over something that cannot be changed? Why make them angry and become frustrated yourself over some perfect image in your head they cannot measure up to? Non-acceptance leads to breakups.
Neediness lessens when we make an effort to be a bit more independent of the other person and NOT be afraid of their answers. As we fear less we feel more confident talking about uncomfortable subjects. This, in return, frees up a non-needy person to talk openly with us. Isn’t that what we always wanted? ...for them to be honest and open with us?
Talking openly means not over-reacting to answers we may not like, accepting the truth, and avoiding the temptation of reading between the lines.
Open communication is very rewarding. It eliminates inequity and brings balance to a relationship. Where there is equity there is more closeness, more respect, and more love in a relationship. And the best reward of all? By needing less we eventually end up getting more!
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