Fear of asking questions when dating or in a relationship
“I am afraid to ask questions because I’m afraid of the response”- Courtney W.
We can either ask questions and know exactly where we stand or remain silent and live in a fantasy world.
Have you ever had an ‘epiphany’ relationship after which you felt like you were a different person? Like it has changed you so much that there was no turning back to the ‘old’ you?
The ‘old’ you, who was putting up with a bunch of crap, forgiving the unforgivable, and tolerating the intolerable? The ‘old’ anxious you who was afraid to scare them off with ‘difficult’ questions?
I once had such a relationship. Do I want it back? A million times No. Am I glad it happened? In some weird way 'Yes' because it has profoundly changed me and taught me a lifelong lesson. It is almost like I out-grew the previous me, the ‘old’ me that I guess deserved all that pain to learn the hard way.
OK girls, let’s talk about fear of asking questions when dating or in a relationship.
From my own personal experience I can tell you that asking certain questions is not always easy. Quite often, it is rather frightening because somehow deep down we do know what the answer already is. It is the answer we do not want to hear.
Based on my experience and the experience of others, usually it is just a matter of time before the ugly truth comes out and the whole thing blows up into one’s face.
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We may know what the truth is, but since they've never confirmed it in words, and since we never pressured them to find out for sure, we may linger in a relationship longer than needed, agonizing over that painful truth.
“Should I ask them now? If I hear what I suspected, then in order to save my pride I may have to break up with them… Do I want that? I am not sure I am ready. So, why ruin a good thing? They do not ask me anything either. Gosh, I am not perfect. I am sure if they were to dig deeper, they would find something wrong with me too”
Here are some examples of common situations when asking what’s going on - no matter how hard, scary or difficult – is better in the long run. Unless, of course, you are OK with wasting your time, being taken advantage of or being used.
~ when they run at a speed of 100 miles per hour to get you to sleep with them, and then slow down to a crawling speed of 3 miles per hour after it happens. Most women do not want to appear needy and therefore pretend to be ‘cool’ with it.
It hurts when a man backs off like this. Especially, yes – ESPECIALLY – after intimacy. I would not confront him immediately, but would take a mental note. You see lades, only 2 scenarios are possible after sex: you either become their girlfriend with all the benefits attached or a convenient booty-call.
When we are a girlfriend – we know. When we are a booty call – we know it too. We just do not want to admit it to ourselves. Asking what the hell is going on and what it is that they are looking for is a must in this situation.
~ when they are always busy and never have time to see you. Unless they are an alien who lives on a planet with a different time dimension, we all have 24 hours a day. How those hours are spent is up to us. Personally, I would not want to be with a man who has no time for us. I suppose his priorities are somewhere else… and I am not among those priorities. Case closed.
~ when they promise for years to ‘get married some day in the future’. Strangely, that particular 'Future' never seems to materialize. Once that 'Future' becomes 'Present', another 'Future' is set.
This kind of scenario is only possible with women who are too kind, too patient, too nice, too needy, and perhaps too naïve. With a head being stuck in sand, with eyes being closed, and ears clogged up… Who do you have to blame after 6 years of waiting and still no ring on your finger? YOU!
I say, let that truth hurt now than 6 years later. Makes sense?
~ when it is all murky, foggy, and ambiguous. It is like ‘are we in a relationship or what?’
Bad news ladies. If you have to ask then the answer is no. Again, when we are in a full-time relationship we know. When we are not in a full-time relationship we know it too. We know when we are important and when we are not, when they put an effort and when they do not, when they do their best to please us and when they slack off. It is all there for us, the writing is on the wall.
We are afraid to ask questions because we do not want to look too needy, too interested or too desperate. We do not want to look like a Drama queen who blows up everything out of proportion or someone who is difficult to be with.
We are afraid to ask questions because we are not ready to learn the uncomfortable truth. Knowing the truth would mean to take action.
We do not want our dreams to be shattered in pieces should their answer be different from the one we expect. We do not want to be hurt by discovering their shady character or embarrassing past.
We are afraid to be disillusioned about the whole thing: ‘Oh, I thought they felt the same… ’. Until you ask to know for sure, you’re operating from the point of view of your own assumptions only. Stop projecting your own feelings onto them!
We are afraid to ask questions because we are afraid of change. We would rather be stuck in ambiguity, and the comfortable present than being inconvenienced by discomfort of something (much better) new.
We assume they will eventually ‘get it’ without direct confrontation on our end. If we just stick it out they will finally love, appreciate, find time, understand, realize, figure out, apologize, admit, confess, propose, get their sh*t together, change, stop feeding us with BS, etc. We may hint or use some other female-like communication style to communicate our wants and needs.
OR MAYBE, JUST MAYBE..
.. they have already told us where we stand, but we chose not to listen? Their actions have shown us what is happening, but we chose to turn a blind eye? They have been upfront about everything, but we refused to accept the obvious?
Why is that?
Is it because we believe that we are ‘different’? ...That we are unlike ‘those insipid, stupid, boring women’ they dated in the past and therefore deserve to be an ‘exception’?
Do not dig yourself deeper into a hole with a relationship with a bunch of question marks hovering over it. They may never know what is on your mind until you voice it out. Not saying anything is like a silent agreement that you are OK with what is happening. Is that the kind of message you want to send?
Do not let it eat you alive. Get it off your chest and let the truth come out. I once was told by a man (who I dated for 2 years and wanted to know where I stand) that he did not love me. “You are a great girl’ – he said – “I like you, but I do not love you”. That made me cry big time, but at the same time, it made it easier for me to leave the one-sided relationship. The best part? I have no regrets!
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