Fantasy relationships of an imaginary La-la-land

Are you in a fantasy relationship? Read this first, could it be you?: "I think I am in a relationship... we just do not date or talk too much… Well, we used to talk, and now - we do not… I mean, he gives me attention sometimes… It feels good and promising... So yes, I think you could call it a relationship… Because if it is not, then what is this? - Meghan H.

If you have ever had that ‘little something’ that has never developed into anything more, then the ‘connection’ you are currently feeling is nothing but a fantasy relationship of your imaginary La-la-land.

I know it feels like a relationship to you. We all have a personal check mark list of what a relationship is and what should be happening to call it a relationship.

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Sometimes, when we get bitten by pain, betrayals, and disappointments, and when our protective shield hardens and grows bigger, we settle for a blank canvas with brushes to fill up the blanks. The canvas that is ‘a perfect stranger’… the stranger we know nothing about.

We feel like we have been suffering way too much and for way too long to be capable of handling more of the same again. There is no more endurance, drive, and ability to trust left, and so we settle for something different. Something that feels very safe - the fantasy relationship of our imaginary La-la-land.

As they keep sprinkling us with occasional attention revealing nothing about themselves and never asking meaningful questions, we gladly fill up the blanks and paint in between the lines. We use colors and imagination to create a picture – aka the relationship – that suits us perfectly and is to our liking.

It is a dreamy fantasy relationship of our imaginary La-la-land where there are no conflicts, no uncomfortable questions, no threats of rejection, no feelings of inadequacy, and nothing unpleasant happening. We feel secure and in control.

We may have imaginary ‘conversations’ with them or fill in the spaces between the lines with what they feel or think of us. All we need is just a little bit of attention to keep that dream going.

We do not ask too much of them because we do not want to be disappointed should they fail to deliver.

Or, perhaps we already know that they are not the person we need. They may not be capable, or there could be too much straggle and drama to make things happen, so why bother then? We do not want more pain.

When we are afraid of rejection and true intimacy, we settle for situations where rejection and true intimacy are not possible.

How can we possibly be rejected if there is no true relationship happening?

We feel safer living in our own fantasy world than face the risk of true rejection.

To be blunt – we are simply Emotionally Unavailable.

Carrying on with such a mindset will result in attracting certain types of people. And as I have stated in my e-Book – our relationships are a reflection of who we are.

Emotionally unavailable people attract emotionally unavailable people because they know the rules of the dance. The specific and awkward steps of an emotionally unavailable person will only coincide with the steps of another emotionally unavailable person.

When we are afraid, we go along and feel comfortable with only those who are afraid, too. It is like speaking the same silent language without words. Their actions tell us all we need to know.

Those people pester us with ambiguous emails and non-committal conversations, never ask anything meaningful and avoid direct questions, over promise and under-deliver, disappear-reappear, say one thing but mean the other, may meet once a month or never meet, are full of excuses, and keep us waiting indefinitely.

There is never progress and never anything meaningful happening because they are a commitment-phobic who deliberately avoids true connection. We may play into their hands by avoiding closeness and being OK with the distance because again, it feels safe and there is no risk.

To us it is a cozy fantasy dream with the possibility of something greater happening in the future (perhaps?), but to them – we are just a booty call, the other woman, a spare airport to land at after a breakup, an ego booster or a free counselor on demand.

We may or may not be aware of our dreaming tendencies, but should none of those relationships become meaningful (resulting in us being upset), we should not be too quick pointing fingers at the other party.

Since it takes two to tango, we may want to be honest with ourselves and admit to our own contribution. The other party ‘did not do it to us’, we let it happen by going along.

Although, we may have failed to see it fully because being immersed in dreams, fantasies, and emotions made us temporary blind. We still let it go too far because being honest with ourselves was way too painful and uncomfortable.

The ‘funny’ thing is that avoiding pain by keeping a distance results in more pain in the end. Sooner or later a harsh reality sets in and forces us to face the truth.

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