But how can I just break up after dating them for so long?
I have dated my boyfriend for 5 and a half years and we still don’t live together. It has been way too long and I feel like it is not working out for me (he says he is not ready). Now I am stuck with the dilemma: how can I just break up with a person to whom I dedicated 5 years of my life? How can I just leave someone who became a part of my life? Help! – Michelle M.
When we face the dilemma of breaking up with someone we date, we forget what the actual dating is all about. Do you know what the dating is and what it is for?
The goal of dating is to get to know the other person and explore the possibility of a mutually long-term satisfying relationship. Of course, there will always be people who date for other purposes too (article – Why online dating is such a disaster), but in this particular case we will talk about long term dating that stopped working for us.
When we spend years dating someone, we get attached to them to the point that leaving them feels like abandoning a family member. Our schedules, living arrangements, friends and family, and perhaps even finances and children get intertwined in such an intricate way, that breaking up does not seem like an option. They are like that tree that sprouted its deep roots into every aspect of our life, not to say our heart and mind.
Of course we cannot break up with them. How can we?? There is more to this though. We cannot break up with them because of so much time and effort was given to the relationship. Leaving them for good would be like negating all those years and admitting that it was a waste of time.
That’s not an easy pill to swallow!
How to abandon a ‘family member’ or how to quit a non-working long term relationship
You can call him all you want – a ‘family member’, ‘my dearest boyfriend’ or whatever – I call these guys STRINGERS.
A stringer is a type of a man who strings a woman along. They like to be in a relationship on their terms which explains why none of those relationships EVER progress further.
These are selfish, emotionally disturbed men who won’t mind wasting a woman’s time and think nothing of it. They have a mental book of excuses they like to give, and then perhaps some dramatic speeches in case things go sour. ‘I do not wanna lose my convenient relationship with her!’
These manipulators will do all they can to keep the relationship from progressing to the next level, and will go out of their way to keep things within their comfort zone.
And, you call them your ‘dearest boyfriend’? Really? Open your eyes and see the things for what they are!
Dating is about getting to know them and exploring the possibility of a mutually happy relationship. As you date and spend time with them, you eventually may find out that they are a wrong person for you. You invest your time into this ‘deal’ and discover that the deal is not going to work. How else could you find out without giving it your time??
That’s what dating is all about – giving your time to figure it out!
Some women are good at paying attention to red flags and say NO to lousy prospects pretty quickly ‘He is not the type of a man I am looking for, bye –bye’.
There are others, however, who will digest everything that is dished out to them, will wait-wait and wait forever for the other person to change or for the things to change. Most of them eventually wake up. If it took you 5 years to figure out what is going on, then… oh well. Better now than never, right?
Long-term unsatisfying relationships are hard. They require an enormous amount of patience and self-sacrifice. Women are quick to blame their boyfriends for being such a coward or incapable of bold moves, but they better step aside and answer this: ‘Why the hell do I need to be in this relationship in the first place? What for? To feel sorry for myself? To blame a man who won’t change for me? WHY??’
Dating someone for too long, hoping they will change, is a sure way to feel miserable. They have already shown what they are capable of. What else do you want them to do? You cannot ‘make them’ love you more, be more committed or to marry you. These things should be given freely!
Do not squeeze anything from anyone who won’t give it freely to you. It won’t be coming from their heart and if given, taken away at any moment.
When we stop living in La-la land and see things for what they are, suddenly the idea of breaking up stops being so frightening. That’s because dating for too long and HOPING non-stop is not what the actual dating is about.
The minute we discover who they are, the minute we realize that a mutually happy relationship is not possible, the minute we see their true agenda should be the minute when they hear our ‘bye –bye’.
There should be no hoping, no waiting for years for them to change, no begging, no self-sacrificing in ‘the name of the future’, no mind reading, no excuses (for them), no assumptions, no fantasies of any kind, no believing their sweet never ending promises, and no justifications.
Successful dating formula: You meet them --> You spend Time getting to know them --> Things not working out? Not getting what you need? --> Time to get out. Desired time frame – up to 2 years max. Not 5!!
I say, stick to your agenda. If not, then someone with a sneaky agenda will take advantage of you.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - When he says he is not ready and Unrequited love: are you their enabler? or if you feel like your situation is too unique and you need to talk to someone (this is my personal recommendation) - Affordable online counseling with a licensed professional. You will not be disappointed.