He promised me a future together. That was 6 years ago.
“Six years ago he said that he wanted to be with me. He promised me a future together! To this day, we are still not ‘together’. He lives his life and I live mine. I am so frustrated and disappointed!” – Margaret.
It all depends on where you are in life and what you want and need. Yes, YOU.
Since it has been 6 years and you are still not together, it means that the relationship has been on THEIR terms and based on THEIR needs.
Now, let me ask you this: Who made that choice? Who made the choice to stick with such a relationship?
Every psychologist will confirm the following fact: when criticizing something or someone, we are actually describing ourselves. Margaret's letter below is a perfect example of this.
Margaret continues: “Deep down I despise him with all of my heart. I despise him for being weak. Yes, in my eyes he comes across as a weak, scared, incompetent man who is afraid to take the next step. He has been stringing me along all these years, promising the future with nothing to show for it in the end. It is excuses, excuses, and more excuses… I can see his point of view, but still. What kind of a man can do such a thing to a woman? Something else is going on that I do not know? Why is this happening to me? Why me?? How do I get out of this trap? How do I make him change something? I am so pissed and tired”
What Margaret has actually done, is to describe herself.
She is the one who is ‘weak’ and ‘scared’. It is she who is afraid to make the needed change. She blames him for stringing her along, but it is her who made the choice to stay and therefore being strung along.
She wonders if there is something else going on preventing him from taking the next step. The reality is that there is something going on with her too, in particular, preventing her from pulling the plug. She'd better figure out with a licensed counselor as to what's preventing her from doing so.
Could it be fear? Something else?
That’s what she thinks of her man too. She just cannot seem to figure him out.
Would she rather work on figuring herself out instead? What do you think?
“Why is this happening to me? What kind of a man could do such a thing to a woman?” – she asked.
I ask in return, “Why are you letting it happen? What kind of a woman would do such a thing to herself?”
The latter are questions she should be asking herself, otherwise, she is barking up the wrong tree.
Sometimes, when we are not happy with their behavior, all we have to do is to look into the mirror. The reflection will show all the answers we need.
We do not always want to look into the mirror because we may not always like what we see.
Also, seeing things for what they are means to take action. That does not bond very well with most of us. We would rather see the other party ‘change’ and do as we please than make the change ourselves.
The bottom line is that it is rather selfish and inconsiderate to expect others to change for us. We have to be willing to get out of our comfort zone too.
As you have your own reasons for things to be a certain way, so do other people too. Why should your way of things be more important than theirs? To put into perspective, you are simply standing on the opposite sides of the rainbow!
Disagreements in terms of future goals and plans are a sign of a MISMATCH. It makes sense to make an effort to re-adjust goals or to re-align future plans, but when there is stubborn resistance, I suggest backing off.
You are probably at different stages in life and therefore the kind of a relationship you are looking for with the kind of a person you are currently with is not possible.
They could still be in ‘playing the field’ mode, post-breakup recovery mode, relationship mourning mode, and so forth. They may be suffering from some mental condition (what they tell us about themselves is only the tip of the iceberg) or have a personality disorder. They could still be married or may have a secret girlfriend. Who knows??
You do not really need to understand why they are what they are. All you need is to believe that you deserve better.
After 6 years and "no future together" it is the time to shift the long-overdue focus from him onto yourself and ask yourself (not him!) – ‘WHY?’
Sticking around in that kind of a relationship with that kind of a man says something about YOU too.
What do you think?
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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