Putting up New Boundaries may create conflict and difficulties in your relationship
It is not to say that boundaries are bad or should be avoided. It is that the change in our own behavior forces others around us to change, too. They either change and adapt… or leave. And guess what? It is a good thing!
Our decision to love ourselves more and putting up new boundaries as a result, may lead to discovery of something else – the true authenticity of relationships we are in. New boundaries will reveal what you mean to those people, what they are about, and why they are in a relationship with you.
Change is not easy. Besides, our own change is not just ‘our own’. It has a ripple effect on others around us, and that includes romantic partners as well.
If you have been in a relationship with someone whose needs constantly had higher priority over yours or someone who ‘got used’ to you behaving in a certain way, then they will absolutely have an issue with the New You. Guaranteed.
As a result of putting up new boundaries, conflict may arise and things may become ’difficult’ not just for them, but for you as well.
There will be uncomfortable and scary moments:
~ it may feel like the relationship is deteriorating and everything is going downhill FAST
~ self-doubt may set in “Am I being too demanding and unreasonable?” or “This whole ‘boundary thing’ gives me so much anxiety, is it really worth it?”
~ obsessions over the scary change: “Is this what relationships with boundaries are like?? Is this what every new relationship will be like from this point forward?? Omg…”
Yes, ladies. This kind of change is scary and super uncomfortable. We literally need to re-learn how to love and respect ourselves more to pull it off successfully.
The change, however, is just a TRANSITION from the Old to the New You. Once the transition is complete, there won’t be discomfort anymore. The New You will mean New Relationships.
The people or a person you are with may not like the change. They may resist and it may take some time for them to realize that the ‘old ole times’ are over. It is especially true for those who got used to your constant ‘yes’ and being a doormat:
~ Remember those times when you were giving them a ride in your car (perhaps on short notice) and there had to be THEIR favorite radio channel on? It is always FM 101.1 and never your favorite 88.2.
~ How about those times when you had casual drinks together and it was ‘time to go’ because THEY felt like leaving?
~ When tired and not feeling well it was you and you only who had to suck it up and pretend to enjoy the evening. Somehow it was always you who had to sacrifice.
Well ladies, putting up new boundaries SHOULD and WILL eliminate these kinds of scenarios completely and permanently.
The people who used you in this manner will notice the change. They may feel inconvenienced, angry, and annoyed. The gravy train of endless supply of free rides, free babysitting, non-committal sex, money borrowing, etc., has come to a complete stop. IT IS OVER, girls!!
This sudden change may even force them (hopefully) to see their own selfish behavior. Also, this sudden change will reveal what you are to them. If they see value of being with you as a person, they may adjust their selfish ways and the relationship will improve; but in case they are a user – it will be over.
Not using you won’t work for them. Not a big loss for you. Users rarely to almost never contribute to the quality of our life.
That’s the point of boundaries – keeping those who are worthy of you, your feelings and time, and eliminating those who do not deserve you.
It would be foolish to expect for everybody to adjust to the New You. Let the chips fall off where they should. Let the sand castles be destroyed and fantasies built of fake believes fall apart. Let all that GO. Bye - bye. I’ll tell you what: had you loved yourself more form the start, all of it wouldn’t be happening.
Boundaries are not meant to punish other people, they are meant to give you better quality relationships.
What I have learned from my personal experience is that loving myself more makes setting up and sticking to boundaries very easy. It is literally an effortless process. I say – cultivate self-love, self-respect, and self-care and boundaries will come naturally. Self–love first, and then boundaries. Doing the opposite will feel forced and unnatural.
**EXAMPLES OF HOW TO EASILY INTRODUCE NEW BOUNDARIES INTO YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP**
My experience shows that people do not always realize how much they hurt us. As a matter of fact, quite often, it is never their intention. They just ask for a favor and when you say ‘Yes’ they assume it’s OK with you.
They ask because they CAN, and your decision to agree is your decision. Not theirs. They also do not always realize how inconvenienced or uncomfortable this whole thing is for you. Hey, you said yes, remember?
It is time to make the change and to take care of you. It is time to stop wasting your time on meeting other’s expectations instead of your own.
In the case of unsatisfactory relationships (booty calls, FWB, ‘not ready to commit’ cases, you get the idea):
Do not say: “Oh you are a son of a b*tch, I gave you the best years of my life. Guess what, from this point forward I am not putting up with it anymore!”
Say this instead: “Just so you know, I am not happy with this relationship... maybe I was in past, but not anymore. I am ready for a quality relationship with someone who can give me what I want. I deserve to feel happy too” . You may also explain to them what it is that stopped working for you and give them an option to deliver. They will either try or bolt.
In the case of someone using you for money (making you pay all the time or borrowing without paying back):
Do not say: “Hey, who do you think I am? An ATM machine? A money cow? I am not going to be used like that anymore!”
Say this instead: “I just realized that I need to pay better attention to my expenses. In addition to that, I have some new financial goals set up (saving for a car, for college, for a new house, for vacation, etc) which means I won’t be able to lend money to you anymore. I apologize for the inconvenience”
In the case of mistreatment and disrespect:
Do not say: “You ‘re the worst person I have ever met! No one has ever treated me like this! Ever! You either treat me right or else!”
Say this instead: “That other night when we had a dinner… (give them an example of what they did to hurt your feelings) I realized that I do not feel comfortable when someone treats me like this. I would rather not be around such people. I am just letting you know that in case you are not nice I may not want to be in your company anymore”.
They will either treat you better or continue being a jerk. Once you disappear, they will know why.
In the case of someone using you as a free baby-sitter, an arm chair psychologist in person or over the phone, or as a taxi-driver, etc., (basically consuming a lot of your time to serve their needs):
Do not say: “I am sick and tired of wasting my time serving your needs. I have a life too! I am done!”
Say this instead: “Sorry I cannot help. I have so many new commitments going on (just give them your ‘to do’ list for that day, making sure it is long and boring), you may want to ask around for help”. After several rejections they will bug off.
In case they keep disregarding the above mentioned statements: (basically not taking you seriously)
Do not say: “Are you an idiot? Do you remember what I said last time??? The answer is Nooooo!”
Say this instead: Simply repeat what you have said previously and stick to your guns. Do not compromise and keep reminding yourself that boundaries are not meant to keep everyone around. They are supposed to keep some people out.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - Be The One for You! and Learn when to say 'No' without feeling guilty or being uncomfortable or if you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.