Learn when to say ‘No’ without feeling guilty or being uncomfortable
There are times when we need to remind ourselves that we have VALUE. It entails our ability to saying ‘No’ without feeling guilty or being uncomfortable.
On one hand, we do not want to be unkind to them, but on the other – unkind to ourselves.
Where do we draw the line?
There are types of people who like to pursue their goals and agenda by obtaining multiple ‘yes-s’ from others. They are not necessary bad people, sometimes they are very good people who know how to make it work for both sides. I call it a ‘win-win’ situation.
The ‘win-win’ situation (should it ever happen to you) usually does not produce any sort of regret or an acute sense of discomfort. When they come to you to get your ‘yes’ (with a possibility of you saying ‘No’) they know that they'd better sweeten the pot to make that deal happen.
As a result, we WIN too. We get something rather than lose. We feel valued and appreciated instead of de-valued, used, and coned. Many healthy relationships unconsciously utilize this method. Tit-for-tat – you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Sounds familiar?
All is good, but how do we deal with those who put pressure and coerce us in doing and saying things we do not want to do? They act like your ‘yes’ is expected which ultimately leaves us no choice, but to succumb.
“Hey, I need a ride to the airport at 4 am. My car is in service” or “Can I stay over at your place for a while until my current living situation sorts out?”
These people come in different shapes and colors. The common trait that unites them all is their ability to make us feel guilty and uncomfortable while demanding something. These people should be put in their place and be told to bug off except… that some of us are too nice or unsure when to put our foot down to prevent the abuse.
How can you make sure then? When is it OK to say ‘No’?
If the deal sounds like a ‘no-win’ for you, then it is OK to say ‘No’. In this crazy world of dating, relationships, and breakups one has to go after and defend their own interests. No one will do it for you. Guaranteed.
The ‘No’ you say to them should be your ‘Yes’ to you – i.e. Yes, I am being fair and kind to myself. I am not looking to compromise my interests, my believes, my feelings and values by agreeing to something that feels uncomfortable. My sense of well-being is a priority.
They are not a King to bow to or some sort of government authority to oblige to. You, on the other hand, your own lawyer who represents your interests. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out what is wrong and what is right, what is fair and what is not fair to you in these kinds of situations.
The ‘No’ you say to them should be your ‘Yes’ to you – i.e. Yes, I am not trying to manipulate anyone, coerce them into something or make them feel a certain way.
I know of some women who said ‘yes’ to creeps, womanizers, and men with crazy fetish issues hoping that would change the man or the status of a relationship.
Don’t you hate yourself after agreeing to something utterly nuts? Do you remember what the results were?
When we go against ourselves and say yes to something we do not want, hoping ‘to collect’ on the debt later, we compromise our self-value and break our boundaries.
By trying to please we hope they will feel differently and grow to be more appreciative. We think we are in control… except that we are not.
This sort of pleasing thing may get out of hand because once we are in this mode (determined to change them) it is difficult to stop. There will always be frustration, disappointment, and anger ALONG WITH ‘maybe if I go along with them one more time things will change’.
Rather than making it clear to ourselves and to them, we choose to hide behind our manipulative and multiple ‘Yes’ –s. Is that because we do not want to confront an uncomfortable truth? Is it because it is easier to say ‘yes’ than face the honest truth of where we stand?
Do not say ‘Yes’, hoping to collect later. It is a waste of time and energy. It has to be a healthy ‘No’ with no guilt attached to it.
Do not worry about saying ‘No’ to situations that potentially are bad for you in the long-term. Be it a lousy job offer or a loser looking to live off of you – say ‘No’ to these things as they will turn to be damaging and toxic in the long run.
Feel free to say ‘No’ to:
~ anything that affects the quality of your life
~ some sort of short-term weird stunts with damaging consequences
~ the same type of men with the same type of dating agenda (that did not work out in the past)
~ something that does not feel right (no solid proof necessary)
~ to ‘fit in’ and be ‘accepted’
~ something that may trigger a sense of insecurity or bad obsessions
Create and stick to your own boundaries. Know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable to you. You are the CEO of your own life who has the right to say ‘No’ when a situation calls for it.
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