Doing too many things and still not being good enough
Do you feel like you are not good enough no matter how hard you try??
I remember myself in my early 20-s and how stupid and naive I was. I remember jumping through hoops to please a man even though deep down it did not feel right or comfortable.
I remember never being comfortable in any of those relationships because I was too preoccupied with what they were thinking and what I could do to make it better for them.
I was obsessed with what they wanted and was ready to give it on demand. I thought doing all those great things would make them appreciate and love me more.
The harder I tried the worse I felt. Cooking great meals, paying for almost everything with my own money, honoring their birthday and making a really big deal of it (even though they kept forgetting mine) and being as good as I could resulted in me being not good enough. Yes, in the end, I was still not good enough for them to treat me with respect and to commit.
I recall one incident when I did their laundry, folded it in a certain way (just like their mom did) and put it into a different shelve because the other one was filled. I recall their ‘meh’ attitude about it and how I did it all wrong. Not good enough, huh? Oh screw you!
I have seen this happening way too many times – women in love becoming doormats.
I do not know what it is about us – women – who are eager to sacrifice, to compromise, to give endlessly time and time again without getting anything back.
I have seen women in relationships taking on the roles of free baby sitters, drivers, hair stylists, sex toys, uncomplicated dolls for occasional play times, counselors, nurses, armchair psychologists, financial advisors, house cleaners etc, while forgetting their own needs, disregarding their own wishes and downplaying their own expectations.
As if it was the only way to be in a relationship. As if it was the only way to feel loved.
Yes, we roll out that doormat with a ‘walk all over me’ sign, let them do what they please and then wonder why there is no love. At least not the kind we want.
We want to give and please because it may feel natural to some of us and because we see it as an ‘easy way to prove’ what a great catch we are.
Gee, who wouldn’t want that? Who would not want a non-confrontational girlfriend who is always in the mood, who is flexible with her schedule, does not fuss over broken dates and promises, never nags, does not expect commitment AND on top of that provides free cleaning, laundry, money loaning and other services?
Due to our unique doormat abilities
we have a talent of predicting and calming relationship storms.
We know how to iron out wrinkles to make things ‘right’.
By pleasing wrong men hoping to ‘win’ them over one day we ignore how badly compromised and terribly unappreciated we feel. We forget that we DO matter too. Our wishes and needs, our thoughts and feelings – they do all matter too.
Giving them all we can and them accepting / taking it all may seem like a reciprocal thing to us. "Their accepting of what I give signals their contentment and satisfaction… which means that they enjoy receiving it from me" and "They could have chosen to receive it from someone else, but they chose to receive it from me by staying with me".
Taking it one step further: "Since I do so much for them and since they are dependent on me in so many areas of their life I consider myself to be their key person… someone they cannot live without"
It is soothing and comforting to think like this. It may even sound logical on some level, but guess what? Taking all your giving aside – at what cost does it all happen? For how long are you going to pretend to be ‘OK’ with not getting what you need? For how long are you going to lie to yourself because, let us be honest here, this kind of a relationship is total BS?
We have this need to please because it appears easier than to face the reality and the kind of a man we are with. Many of us please out of fear that a relationship may fall apart without our constant accommodating.
We are afraid to let it unfold naturally and see it for what it is. We would rather hide behind our ‘pretense’ shield than be open and vulnerable to the possibility of being hurt or for a relationship not working out.
We have this necessity to be a doormat because in our view it is ‘the only way to go’ to keep that BS relationship going and our man happy. We are just too scared to face the truth and to see what is actually going on.
But no matter how much we try to hide behind that shield, we still cannot deny the nagging sense of darkness, depression, and the sense of never being good enough that visits and revisits us every living day and night.
And of course, being a doormat, we work very hard to block it out of our mind too. Even though, at this time, there could be plenty of good reasons to leave that BS relationship.
In addition to all of the above taking it all on ourselves sets expectations on their end and automatically makes us responsible for everything that happens in a relationship. There will be more and more expected of you and you will keep trying harder and harder ignoring the fact that this draining BS relationship does not deserve even 1% of your energy and effort.
Being a doormat equals having no respect for yourself. When we lose self-respect they lose respect for us.
Ask yourself this: why am I doing this? Am I afraid of conflict? Am I afraid to make them uncomfortable? Am I afraid to lose a relationship the minute I voice my needs? If so, then why should THEIR needs be a constant priority? You are in an equal relationship, hello!
Relationships are about respect, joy, companionship, love, and comfort. They are not about being a slave to someone. They are not about one –sided pleasing or being a doormat.
We may want to give love, but we need to give it to ourselves first. We need to care and respect ourselves first before attempting to give it to someone else. When we feel like we are not good enough for them it is because we are not good enough to ourselves. Our relationships are a reflection of who we are and what we think of ourselves. I talk about it in a much greater detail in my insightful book. You may want to check it out.
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