Giving to an UN-interested man will NOT make him interested

To better understand and to finally make it to sink in, let’s reverse the tables and see how it feels like on the receiving end.

Think of the time when someone you were not interested in was chasing after you. Of course they were a great person, no doubt about it, it’s just that you had no feelings for them.

Think of all the circus tricks they were resorting to and extravagant presents they were giving to you to impress and win you over. Think of their annoying calls, stalker-ish behavior, self-sacrifices, serenades under the moon, twits and Facebook comments, e-mails, text messages, and many many other things they did ‘to make you love them’.


Think about it: they went out of their way to do all of those things. They spent a lot of emotional energy and many hours on thinking about you and obsessing over ‘the future’. They were certainly delusional and there was literally nothing you could do to make them see the truth. Why? Because they did not want to see it.

When someone does something like this to us we sort of understand what they are going through. We do not want to hurt them by direct rejection and hope against all hopes they will get a HINT.

Below are the hints we usually give away to those we are not interested in, but are too chicken to reject directly:

~ our response pattern will vary: we may respond right away, sometimes with a delay, and sometimes never.
~ we act friendly and give the very minimum of our time to talk to them or answer their questions
~ we accept presents and other tokens of their attention because we do not want to hurt them
~ we pretend to be OK with their interest which makes them think they are ‘succeeding’ in their efforts.

And here are the unethical things we may do, too:

~ we may exploit their seeming to be limitless kindness to get what we need (to get a loan, to get a job, etc)
~ we may use them for companionship or as a listening ear when we feel lonely or distressed
~ we may especially like talking to them after a breakup or after a major fight with a significant other. We know we can rely on them no matter what.

The longer this entire charade goes on, the more pathetic they look in our eyes. Here they are, standing on their knees begging for our love. We know there is no hope and yet, they refuse to see it.

We are also aware that we did nothing to earn all the privileges and benefits we received and may be taken aback by such a blindness on their part:

~ why would they give so much to someone who is barely responsive?
~ why would they keep going if there is no progress and reciprocation?
~ can’t they see I am not interested?

We string them along by giving away ‘I am not interested’ signals which get constantly misinterpreted and misunderstood. As a result, they do not see us as not being interested!

Back to our reversed tables. Let’s reverse them back and see the dilemma for what it is: giving to an uninterested man won’t change a thing and will not make him interested. You already know what it is like on the receiving end, and let us admit it is not pretty.

I keep receiving emails from women asking how to ‘win him back’ or ‘what to do to make him love her’. I feel sorry for such ladies because there is a 99% chance that they are stuck in a relationship with an ambivalent, non-responsive man with a like-warm interested level. Somehow these exhausted women think that if they try harder everything will work out.

What will happen however, is that the man they are with will continue losing respect. He knows he is not being his best, he knows he isn’t giving his best shot to the relationship and yet he keeps getting showered with an abundance of love. It comes freely to him, with absolutely no effort on his part, and so he takes it. Who wouldn’t? Even animals love attention, you know.

I do not think you should be in a one-sided relationship and keep giving your best to someone who does not feel the same. If they do not feel the same now, then THEY NEVER WILL. You cannot go on and on forever giving to someone who does not give back. What are you? A Goodwill? A Goodwill concept may work in society but not in romantic relationships. Throwing your free love at them is like saying ‘look at me, I am so desperate, you are the center of my Universe, I will take any sh*t treatment from you if only you could love me back ’. In other words, love me back the way I cannot love myself.

It is not your fault he does not reciprocate on the level you want, but it would be your fault if you do not leave. Stop doing what is NOT working, stop giving, stop waiting, stop obsessing, stop being so stubborn, stop suffering, stop wasting your time, stop the emotional roller-coaster ride, stop giving into a black hole, start loving yourself and start living life.

P. S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this super affordable online counseling service.

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