Getting closure and moving on
Are you feeling stuck? Do you feel like if only you could get all the answers, then and only then you would FINALLY be able to move on?
You want those answers because you want clarity and resolution. Obsessions over what happened and ruminations over a million ‘why-s’ have been draining your brain for quite some time now, and regardless of such hard mental work, you are still left with no answers and no solutions to your issue.
Where do you go from here? How do you get closure if there seems to be none, and more importantly, how are you supposed to move on?
Let me tell you this: looking for closure is another form of ‘not wanting to let go’. Instead of coming to terms that the relationship is over, you have created this list of unanswered questions you feel like you are ENTITLED to get answers for. And the harder you are holding on to the relationship, the more questions you probably have.
Unfortunately, getting answers to those questions does not and will not work, because the more answers you will get, the more questions you will have. More answers will generate more questions, and if you have troubles moving on with only having 10 questions unanswered at this time, how are you supposed to move on with having an additional 100 later?
Trying to get closure via getting answers is like sticking your hand into boiling water – the longer you keep doing it, the more it hurts. The sooner you realize it, the less emotional damage will be done, and the faster you will move on.
What kind of answers are you looking to get anyway? You cannot possibly expect him to tell you honestly why he did what he did. He will not tell you the whole story because doing so would mean taking a critical look at himself – something he is not used to doing, because if he were, the relationship would not end the way it did.
His bailing out on the relationship and leaving a trail of confusion behind is a clear sign that he did not want to face the truth. If he is the kind of a person who would rather run than be honest, bold, and direct, then you do not want him to be your man anyway!
This realization should be your next step in understanding what the closure is all about - by eliminating himself from your life he has cleared path for a better, more suitable person for you. You may not feel like it right now, but he did you a huge favor.
And what about YOU? Are you still blaming yourself for his vanishing act, and wondering what you did or say wrong to scare him away? Do you think it was ALL your fault that the relationship did not work out?
ASSUMING he was an innocent angel and you were the only one who did everything wrong, then why are you looking for answers FROM HIM to obtain the closure?? If you already know you were a bad partner, then here is your answer, and here is your closure! The only person you have to talk to right now and get all the answers from is – YOU.
With this being said, however, you cannot blame yourself and feel responsible for other people’s behavior. Because if you do, you will be stuck in your obsessions forever.
Blaming yourself for everything that happened between you two implies that he should not be accountable for his own behavior; and making it all your fault by disregarding his contribution to the breakup will get you nowhere either.
To get closure and finally move on you have to simply admit and come to terms with the fact, that you will never get answers to all of your questions, stop the self-blame game, and put an end on this obsessive ritual of trying to get to the ‘core’ and ‘understand what happened’.
Again, you will never know the truth, and even if you do, there will always be more questions, and your desperate searching for the answers will always keep bringing you back to square one. This is the never ending, obsessive loop that many people get stuck in. It is called the hell of your own making.
In other words, you could spend 1 week or an entire year ruminating about the failed relationship and ‘why he did what he did’, but in the end – be it 1 week, 6 months, or even 1 year later– you will still end up being at the same place you started. That’s a lot of mental energy to spend… on not wanting to move on.
At a certain point you will just have to put a stop on your ruminations and move on to the next step, which is about admitting to being rejected, coming to terms that the relationship is over (he is not in a relationship with you anymore!), face the loss, and go through a grieving process.
It is up to you when you want to take that next step. The bottom line is that, eventually, you WILL have to take that step to put the relationship behind you and to finally move on.
P. S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service.
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