Did I scare him away?
‘Did I do something wrong to scare him away?’ – is the very first thing that comes to our mind when a man disappears on us. Especially after several great dates.
We wonder what we did wrong this time again to let yet another seemingly great guy slip through our fingers.
~ Did I not jump through hoops enough to make him like me?
~ Was I too upbeat? Perhaps he wanted someone more serious?
~ Was I into him too much and he sensed it?
~ Did I come across as cold by not responding or calling back right away?
~ Maybe he thought I wanted too much too soon.
~ Is it because I said that I was not ready for sex?
~ Is it because we slept already?
~ Was I boring (or too chatty) for his taste?
~ Maybe if I were this and that he would still be around?
It always hurts when someone disappears on us. We do not know what we did wrong AND we feel like we were not even given a chance to correct that ‘wrong’ to make things ‘right’. This sort of stuff puts us at a disadvantage and affects our self-esteem big time.
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We think that the reason for his disappearing lies in us HOWEVER, what if I were to tell you that this is not always the case? We are quick to blame ourselves forgetting that there was another party involved. Are you saying that the other party had absolutely nothing to do with what happened whatsoever AND it was all about you? Really??
There are types of guys who - no matter what you do (or do not do) - make it all promising in the beginning and then no matter what you do (or do not do) make the whole thing fall apart.
This is because they may not be the type who treats a woman nice or is loyal, caring, and loving. They may not be faithful, may suffer from emotional disorders, know how to blow hot, to con, to cheat and lie. They could be all of these or just some, but the point is – if you were ‘fortunate’ enough to cross the path with this type, then THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD DO to stop his disappearing, which means that self-blame here is an utter waste of your precious time. It was not your fault!! See my point??
The funny thing is that he is probably not sitting and pining over yet another relationship that ‘did not work out’. He is not in touch with himself and perhaps is not that good at accessing reality. He is on autopilot of chasing after skirts. He does not learn from his mistakes and does not care; he is a bad relationship partner.
Bad guys make good relationships impossible. If you think that you did nothing wrong, if you think you are a good person, and if you are 100% positive he was not one of those loser types you dated in a past (which makes things doomed from the start), then you are welcome to blame the entire disappearance ON HIM. Yep it was HIM, not you.
There was nothing you could do to change the outcome and honestly, why would you want him?
There are types of guys who (again) - no matter what you do (or do not do) - make it all promising in the beginning and then no matter what you do (or do not do) make the whole thing fall apart. These are the types that won’t communicate. They simply vanish into thin air hoping to never see you again.
And once again, if you were a nice person who treated them with respect, then there was nothing ELSE you could do to stop their vanishing. They did not feel it, which means their disappearance on your was NOT your fault.
The bottom line is: stop blaming yourself for the things you cannot control. You did not scare them away. It was them, not you!
If, HOWEVER, you have issues of your own which tend to spill over into other areas of your life THEN you may want to take a closer look at what it means for your relationships.
If, for example, you are needy and insecure, then no matter the guy you are with – a good one or an idiot – it won’t last too long. Many guys, especially good ones, find it very difficult to deal witch excessive drama. Good guys are collected guys. They have it all together and there is no chance in hell they would tolerate that much of emotions on a daily basis.
They know what they can offer, they know who they are; they know quality and they know what it feels like to be with a quality woman. Insecurity and excessive drama is the exact opposite of this! So yes, if you were acting insecure, emotional and needy, I have to say that you did scare him away. It is not like he got ‘scared’ actually; he just did not feel like a healthy relationship was possible. Do you see my point?
If you are aware of personal issues which you think are negatively contributing to your relationships, then it is a great opportunity for you to learn and make a change. No one can fix those issues for you. Face them ‘head on’ and be real with yourself. It is never too late to work on your self-image.
Just to be clear, I am not talking about you being a super talkative extrovert or a quiet introvert and the need to address these. These are your personal traits and they are a part of your own unique personality. I am talking about unhealthy tendencies that make healthy relationships impossible.
For example: excessive jealousy and paranoia, addictions, insecurity and the need for a constant reassurance, being disrespectful or rude, being high maintenance, etc. I hope you get the idea.
Yes, just like guys with issues disappear on us through no fault of our own, there are times when it happens because of us.
When we have major issues, then we do not just make them (i.e. men) disappear on us, we leave them no choice but to disappear. Emotionally balanced, healthy individuals won’t stay with something that brings chronic discomfort. They reject it for self-protection. You would not want the same for yourself either, would you??