Dating and Relationships - my insights and observations
Do you ever observe or see something about human interactions and relationships thinking that what you're seeing no one else does?
Compiled below is my personal list of those little "something-s”. Do you have your own? If so, do not hesitate to share!
1. Relationships end the way they started. If it was sudden fireworks with things moving forward quickly, then the end will be sudden too. If things were slow and it took some time for the relationship to shape up, then the breakup will be prolonged as well.
My explanation of this is the following. People embrace newness and change with different degrees of resistance. New relationships, just like breakups, represent a change in one’s life. Those who jump into relationships easily do not take ‘change’ as badly as those who would rather take their time.
Therefore, getting out of a relationship - which is in itself a change too – does not seem like a big deal to them. They get into relationships easily and get out of them easily as well.
2. I believe that every person has a ‘relationship resume’. Just like when we apply for a job submitting our work history, ‘relationship resumes’ contain relationships history.
Unlike hiring managers – who can read a resume – we do not have access to ‘relationship resumes’. Unlike hiring managers - who have a choice not to hire job hoppers or poorly skilled candidates – we do not have that choice.
This is because we have no way of knowing who is in front of us, what their history with other women is, and what to expect. What if they are a serial cheater? What if they are married or were married 4 times? We will never know until we take the costly risk of dating them.
Since is it impossible to see ‘relationship resumes’ of other people we have no choice, but to resort to books, classes, counseling and other sources to learn about red flags and other skills needed to succeed and survive in this crazy world of dating.
3. Women who throw themselves at men end up being thrown away by those men. Why men do this? It is a human nature to go after what is scarce and disregard (have little to no appreciation) what is available. Those who have education in marketing know this. Department store sales and multiple marketing campaigns utilize this knowledge.
Were you ever put into a situation where you had to buy something urgently because ‘it would be gone tomorrow’? If so, you were a victim of this marketing trick.
At the same time, how much urge do you have to buy something that you are positive 100% will be available for you today, tomorrow, and any time you feel like it? Think of a can of milk or a sack of potatoes. You can buy these in every grocery store!
Depending on our behavioral style, men will perceive us either as a precious something that needs to be snatched away asap (before it gets stolen by another man!) or as an ordinary sack of potatoes that is available 24/7… at a seasonal discount.
4. Is there such a thing as a ‘middle age crisis’. I think I have second thoughts about it. What do some (not all!) men do when they hit the so-called ‘middle age crisis’ stage? They: change careers, cheat, leave their long-term wives, relocate, act like jerks, start a ‘new life’, get married.
Now, you tell me: how is it different for any other age group of men? Men of all ages do these things too! Men of all ages cheat, change careers, relocate, get married, act like jerks, and leave their wives. So why are we so obsessed with the ‘middle age crisis’ term?
I think it is not about the ‘middle age crisis’ per se. It is about the level of devastation and damage that is caused by a man’s behavior.
Relationships are like trees - the older they get, the deeper the root system is. Ending a long-term relationship is like extricating a large 300 year old oak tree with a bunch of roots spread under driveways, walkways, nearby trees, foundations, and maybe some other structures too. There is no way it could be done without damage to its surroundings.
THAT’S what happens when a mature man ‘decides to make a change’. His move creates a profound and negative domino effect on his long-term spouse, grown kids, established career, almost paid out mortgage, joint bank accounts, life-long friends, and many other things that took decades to build.
Yes, it does seem like a ‘crisis’… caused by a middle age man.
So yes, I agree with the word ‘crisis’ here, but disagree with the ‘middle age’ term. It is not about a man’s age per se (men of every age can cause devastation), it is about the severity of the damage.
5. Is it your fault that they cheat? Yes and no. Men cheat on great women and stay loyal to bitches AND men cheat on bitches and stay loyal to great women.
If that is correct, then where exactly do you come into play here? You see, just like not every woman will cheat, not every man will cheat. You could be a great woman or a sassy bitch, but if you have a monogamous type of a man he probably won’t cheat (but may leave!).
The same applies with non-monogamous types – no matter what you do, how beautiful or intelligent you are or whatever – if there is this wild thing in his blood he will cheat (but won’t leave).
The best way to figure out the type of a man (loyal or disloyal) you are with is to look at his past history with women.
So, is it your fault that they cheat? NO – because you personally did nothing wrong to make them cheat on you, and YES - because you picked a non-monogamous man prone to habitual cheating with multiple women.
An exception to the rules: sometimes monogamous men cheat too, but usually the cheating ends up in a permanent leaving of a relationship or in having of a long-term another woman on the side.
Use your intuition and rely on your gut feeling when things do not seem right. Open communication and counseling may help prevent further deterioration of a relationship or a looming breakup.
6. Nice guys are not rejected because of treating women nice. Nice guys are rejected because they lack masculine energy i.e. act too feminine for the average female.
7. ”Why men never approach me?” Men do not approach you because of your looks, your height, your weight, hair color etc. They do not approach you because you are not approachable. You may think that you are, but unfortunately, you are not.
We do not see ourselves and how we are being perceived by others. Have you ever been told “oh, you look so sad, what happened?” even though you were not sad? Have you ever been told that you look tired or angry ‘most of the time’ even though it was not true?
I once spent almost an entire week practicing a commercial in front of my mirror and was 100% sure that I mastered the skill. Later that week, when the recordings came out, I was terrified.
I thought I sounded energetic, happy, and convincing, but on the recording I came out as a soft-spoken, somewhat shy woman. I was in shock! I was totally unhappy with the results, but the major shock was about the discrepancy between how I thought I came across with how I actually did.
You are not approachable and you had better change that. Either ask your friend for a feedback or ask them to record you to see it for yourself. There is one universal trick though that works 100% with men of all ages, cultures, and backgrounds. Do you know what it is? Your SMILE. Start smiling right and left and men will get curious. Guaranteed.
8. Because I've had so many different jobs and so many different bosses I think I can conclude now, with a great degree of certainty, that there IS a connection between what these people are like at work and what is happening in their personal life.
It has been my experience that bosses who are single, never married or long-term divorced with no social life tend to be more critical, less forgiving, and more demanding. They are just plain difficult to please! The ones who have a family tend to be more flexible, more understanding, more lenient, and are easier to work with.
What does it mean? It means that our personality does have effect on our personal life. Those who are too critical, obsess too much, too demanding of others, less forgiving, and less flexible tend to stay single for a long time because ‘it is hard to find a perfect match’ or a ‘perfect relationship’. Those of us who ‘take things easy’ and not making a big deal of things have no problem finding a compatible person to commit.
If you are single and have been single for a long time or if you have been divorced many times, then perhaps it is your personality? Are you too critical of others? Are you too demanding, rigid, and inflexible? Do you have high expectations of others? Are you set in your own ways and expect things to be a certain way? Do you have a long laundry list of deal-breakers? Read more on this – Are you searching for a perfect relationship?
Just like there are bosses who you will never be good enough for (no matter what you do), there are particular types of people out there who will reject you no matter your gorgeous looks, sweet personality, loyalty, and accomplishments. Keep it in mind and do not take it personally.
9. The less we know someone, the more we assume. Dating new people we know nothing about naturally leads to a lot of assumptions. What those assumptions are is totally up to us.
We may assume they are this and that, base our feelings on what we think we know... until their true character shows up. That’s when the disillusion phase sets in and true reality hits “He is nothing like I thought he was” or “I cannot believe he did something like this”
It is not like they have changed or you ‘made’ them do it. They have always been like this, you simply did not know it. In other words – your assumptions of them were mismatched with their true selves.
By showing who they are, they are doing you a huge favor. Believe what you see! As you learn more about them, your opinion and feelings of them may change. Be prepared for this.
10. Would you like to know if he thinks about you when you are not together? Here is the trick: when you ARE together or talking on the phone does he talk/text mostly about himself or does he ask questions about you too?
Self-absorbed people do a lot of talking about themselves which means when you are not together their focus is still on them, not you. When it comes to others – their attention span is that of a humming bird, that’s it.
When the opposite is true, he will ask a lot of questions about how your day was and will remember tiny things about your daily routine These are indicative of a thoughtful person and someone who would think of you when not together.
Why all this is true. It is all about personality types and how we are wired. When in a relationship, we are either focused on ourselves or are too focused on another person. There is a happy balance too, of course, and this little trick was aimed at opening your eyes on how things work between people.
11. There are a lot of single people out there complaining about being lonely and that ‘no one wants them’. Maybe it is the case, but my experience shows that it is these single people who do not want anybody.
It is these single and lonely people who reject other people right and left, who are super critical, impatient, and unforgiving of other people’s flaws.
They are single because they either do not want to work on making things work or gave up on everything. They are not single because ‘no one wants them’. Just saying…
12. Do not be a door mat. It is hard to respect a woman who acts like a doormat. It is even harder to feel passion and love for such a woman. Men do not propose to women they feel no passion for or respect. Keep that in mind.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - Be The One for You! and Relationship tidbits to soothe your anxious mind or if you feel like you need to talk to someone (this is my personal recommendation) - affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.