He Isn’t Choosing. He’s Sampling.

Some men approach dating with the peaceful confidence of someone standing in front of an excellent buffet.

There is no urgency. Why would there be? Everything looks appealing, nothing requires a final decision, and the pleasure of the arrangement lies in having a little of this, a little of that and perhaps circling back later to see whether the tiramisu is still available.

Romantically, this produces a very particular kind of man. He likes women—possibly several. He enjoys attention, chemistry, affection and the pleasant reassurance of knowing that somewhere in the city someone is wondering when she will see him again.

What he does not particularly enjoy is the moment somebody slides the menu away and asks what he has actually ordered.

Because he has not come to order.

He has come to sample.

Everything Is Delicious in Small Portions

The confusing thing about the Sampling Man is that his interest in you can be completely genuine. When he is with you, he may be attentive, affectionate and charming. The evening may be lovely and the chemistry undeniable.

You do not look across a candlelit table at a man who is laughing, touching your hand and saying how wonderful you are and think, Ah yes, clearly I am one of several available selections.

Naturally not.

You think, This is going somewhere.

Meanwhile, he may simply be having a very nice dinner.

The difference is subtle but enormous. You may be experiencing a relationship that appears to be developing, while he may simply be enjoying tonight.

And tonight can be fabulous.

The trouble is that Tuesday night does not know what Friday night is doing.

The Menu Is Larger Than You Realize

A man with this mentality does not necessarily have five girlfriends marching around in coordinated formation. His romantic world can be much less organized than that.

There may be an ex who never quite left the premises, somebody in another city, someone he sees occasionally and one promising new arrival currently being assessed over cocktails.

You may know nothing about any of them, which is enormously convenient for him.

And this is how several women can each receive enough of the same man to build a completely plausible story. You see consistency. Someone else sees chemistry. Another sees possibility. The ex sees history.

He sees Thursday.

Because each connection exists in its own little room, you can easily believe you are looking at the whole house.

You are not.

You have been given a very attractive room key.

The Great Mystery of His Limited Availability

This is where Sampling Man begins producing those little inconsistencies that can consume far too much mental energy.

He likes you enormously, yet his calendar resembles that of a visiting head of state. Weekends are strangely difficult, holidays require complicated arrangements, plans appear late and disappear easily, and communication may be warm until it suddenly goes quiet.

Then he returns.

Hungry again.

From his point of view, nothing particularly mysterious has happened. He has simply moved around his romantic menu. From your side, however, the changes can feel bewildering because you believe you are dealing with one relationship while he may be managing several appetites.

So the explanations begin. He is busy. He has been hurt before. He needs space.

Space is certainly useful when several women are expected to fit inside it.

Being Special Is Not the Same as Being Chosen

One of the more seductive positions in this arrangement is becoming the woman he calls “different.”

This sounds promising.

Different from whom is rarely discussed.

He may tell you that he has never felt this comfortable before, never met anyone quite like you, never had such chemistry. Beautiful. And perhaps entirely true.

A buffet can contain an exceptional dessert.

It is still a buffet.

Being his favorite selection does not necessarily mean he has lost interest in the rest of the room. Romantic optimism dislikes this enormously because exceptional chemistry feels as though it ought to produce exceptional behavior.

Sometimes it does.

Sometimes it merely means he returns to your table more often.

Abundance Has a Curious Effect

The real comedy of the Sampling Man is that he can spend years searching while already surrounded by perfectly lovely women.

There is always another possibility: another profile, another conversation, another woman who might be slightly more exciting, more beautiful, more compatible, more mysterious or simply new.

And new has one enormous competitive advantage.

It has not disappointed him yet.

So the search continues. You may be wonderful but perhaps too available. Someone else is exciting but inconvenient. Another seems nearly perfect, which naturally raises the possibility that somebody else might somehow be even more perfect.

Abundance changes the question from “Do I want her?” to “Could there be something even better?”

That second question has no natural ending.

There is always another tray arriving from the kitchen.

Eventually, You Notice You Are Still Hungry

And this may be the most revealing part of dating a man who samples rather than chooses.

The dates can be enjoyable, the affection real and the attraction undeniable. Yet somehow you keep leaving the experience emotionally hungry.

There is never quite enough consistency, presence, certainty or enough of that wonderfully ordinary feeling of being included in someone’s actual life.

You keep receiving portions.

Lovely portions, perhaps.

But portions.

And while you are wondering what you could do to make the relationship finally become a full meal, he may be having an entirely different experience.

He is not hungry at all.

Why would he be?

He has been eating everywhere.