How to stop being jealous and controlling
‘How do I stop being jealous? It’s killing me!’ – Tracey L. from New York.
It is not just killing you, Tracey, it is killing your relationship as well. Is it possible to stop being jealous? Yes, ladies, it IS possible. After all, jealousy - like any other emotion – is based on our own personal believes.
Why do we feel jealous?
We feel jealous because we believe that our partner belongs to us and see them as our property with a neon ‘do not touch’ sign on it. We feel overly protective and do not want anybody to touch our stuff.
Every time when someone talks or even looks at them we feel threatened. We feel bad when they go to work, hang out with friends, or meet with family. “Anything can happen – we reason – WHAT IF they meet somebody else?”
Jealousy - if you let it continue - will push your partner further away and may destroy your relationship completely. Jealousy does not bring two people closer. It pushes them further apart!
You see, when we are jealous we feel angry, suspicious, scared, and insecure. As we feel this way we act upon these feelings. The result? The other person won’t feel like being around us or like communicating openly. Basically, by being jealous we shut the other person down.
Now, you tell me – how is that supposed to be good for a relationship?
By trying too hard to control them - since we want them to belong to us and us only - we actually get the opposite. By spying, begging, manipulating and controlling we get less of them, not more.
The only way to achieve the opposite effect is to do the opposite. All you have to do is to tell yourself that you do not own your partner. Just like they do not own you, you do not own them either!
They are with you not because you own them, but because they chose to be with you. You can insist on owning them all you want, but it does not change the fact that regardless of this, they are still free to leave (or stay) anytime they feel like it. Your ‘owning’ them does not matter. It is a false believe that should be ditched permanently.
Since you do not own them, you cannot tell them what to do, what to think, feel, where to go and who to talk to. We need to give them freedom to be themselves, and then watch what happens.
It may feel very scary at first because controlling them is the only reassurance we have to ‘make sure’ our property won’t get stolen. Giving this behavior away will feel like the exact opposite of what we should do, BUT GUESS WHAT?
Giving up on being a jealous control freak will draw our partner closer! That’s exactly what our inner desire is – to have a close, honest, intimate relationship with them.
By stopping our jealousy we stop them from running away from us.
Let us admit ladies that it is not that easy to live with someone this insecure and controlling. Many relationships end because of these unhealthy behaviors. Our controlling ways do not stop them from straying. It only makes it more likely! People quit and move on to someone ‘less controlling’. Can you blame them?
Giving them freedom to be themselves gives us an opportunity to assess their true interest level in us. By not holding onto a relationship too tightly we get a fantastic opportunity to see where exactly we stand with them. Since we cannot control what they think or feel, and we certainly do not own them either, their true behavior will come out to light and answer all our questions.
In essence, it is not like you are ‘giving’ them freedom per se. They have that freedom anyway. They are free and you are free as well! It is more like coming to terms with your controlling ways and telling yourself ‘I am not going to do it anymore. It is not productive, it destroys my oh so cherished relationship, puts us further apart, and kills Love’.
There are so many unhappy relationships in the world. Why be one of them? You have a choice not to be!
If that is not motivating enough, let me tell you this: by not being jealous we become someone who is difficult to dump. Why? Because most people are jealous and it is very hard to find someone who is not. Once we meet something that is hard to find, that something (or someone) becomes irreplaceable. It is not that easy to give away or exchange something rare for something ordinary. Do not be like 'the rest of them'!
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