Do not be his ‘gap-filler’ woman
A ‘gap-filler’ woman is someone who fills ‘gaps’ in between times when they are temporary not preoccupied with something or someone else. That something or someone else has a higher priority and importance therefore the amount of time dedicated.
Once that other ‘someone’ is temporary not available (for whatever reason) or should they get done with that ‘whatever something’ they may experience sense of void... that needs to be filled to feel comfortable (read: not bored or lonely).
Guess what they do next then? Yep, they call their ‘gap-filler’ woman.
You may wonder what’s the point of all this.
The point is that many ‘gap-filler’ women are not aware of their status, plus they believe that their relationship is more serious than it actually is. The bottom line? They are wasting their time.
This image below shows how little such women mean to these men (can you find yourself there?). They live and enjoy life to their fullest and a ‘gap-filler’ woman represents only 1% of it. If it was a healthy relationship his woman would be included in many of these activities. Don’t you agree??
We may not always know when we are a ‘gap-filler’ woman until some time has passed by and we have had a chance to observe their behavior. The only warning sign we ‘may’ experience in the beginning is their frequent, sometimes prolonged disappearances and our lingering, low grade sense of dissatisfaction.
When we date someone new we want it to progress and become something more than just casual and non-committal. When is does not progress we naturally feel insecure which breeds anxiety and self-blame. In essence, it is like a snow ball: we meet someone new and feel hopeful -> relationship does not progress the way we expected - > we feel anxious and insecure -> we wait longer hoping it would progress naturally without our direct ‘involvement’ - > when it does not - we feel angry and disappointed.
We may also feel like we failed ‘to make’ them want us. Not knowing exactly what we did wrong leads to making assumptions. And, of course those are the worst assumptions possible: self-blame, feeling unattractive, ‘not good enough’, and being unlovable.
If you knew that you are his ‘gap-filler’ woman would you still torture yourself like this? Would you lose sleep over some egotistical, narcissistic dude who obviously has no sense of how hurtful his behavior is?
Below are the TRUE and RELIABLE signs that you are his ‘gap-filler’ woman and NO MORE than that. Open your eyes and get out of your fantasy land. It will not progress to anything more.
~ It has been 6 months and you still see him only once per week or less.
~ you are not sure whether he is your committed boyfriend or not which leads to the next point
~ since you are not sure whether he is your boyfriend, you are also not sure about other things like if it's OK to ask to spend more time together. Asking for more of him feels unnatural and awkward. It feels like you have ‘no rights’ to demand more.
~ there is always this sense of lingering unresolved enigma about him and your relationship with him.
~ he makes grandiose promises which never seem to materialize.
~ you are his ‘the other woman’.
~ all you do is sleeping together and the rest of the time he is ‘too busy’.
~ he calls-calls-calls and then disappears for weeks and months, sometimes years.
~ the only way you communicate is via text. It is never in person.
~ he promises to meet, but it either never or rarely happens.
~ the amount of time spent on dreaming about him and your relationship with him is much much greater than the amount of time spent together. Yes, it is mostly in your head.
~ you are not sure what the hell is going on and he won’t explain. And will not change his hurtful ways.
~ when he reappears on the horizon after prolonged MIA it is all about him – his past relationships, his mean exes and what they did to him, his sadness, loneliness, and disappointment. Somehow he expects you to be there to listen to his ’poor me’ whining.
~ he feeds you with a bunch of non-reassuring, making zero sense excuses as to why things are the way they are. His explanations ‘may’ have a short-lived soothing effect, but then it is back to feeling insecure and anxious again.
~ your sorry relationship is not progressing AT ALL.
~ when pressured for more he may admit to an inability to give you more and then, after you leave, chases you like crazy.
These men are TAKERS. They take what is available for them without a sense of gratitude or appreciation. It is like a "given" for him. It is as if they think they deserve all the freebees available without paying back because they are so damn unique and special. Your willingness to go along only reinforces this believe.
It is OK to take, provided there is desire to give also. It is not OK to just take without giving back. Being their ‘gap-filler’ woman means being used, it does not mean you are in a relationship, at least not in the kind YOU WANT. It also means that since you know now what a fracture of importance you represent to him, it is time to re-adjust his level of importance for you as well. Give him 1% of your time or feel free to give ZERO. Like I like to say, you are the director and CEO of your own life. You are in charge at all times!
Just to give you an eye opening perspective: think of a weather forecaster predicting 1% change of rain. 1% chance of rain feels more like no rain to me. How about you? Do you get scared and paranoid about getting soaking wet and pack a rain coat, rain boots, and 2 umbrellas in case one won’t hold up to a terrible rain storm? No? Then stop regarding his 1% as something meaningful or like something special is going on – like he is in love and is dying to be in a meaningful relationship with you.
P. S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this super affordable online counseling service.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - 20 signs he is not serious and Are you dating someone who does not want a relationship with you? or my empowering e-Book When you are DESPERATE FOR HIS LOVE how to leave your bad relationship without feeling like you are going against yourself (this book will re-program your brain!)