Should I be friends with my ex? – your personal self-check list

Are you confused, not sure or are just wondering if ‘being friends’ with your ex is a good idea? You may remember other couples who did just fine after a breakup and wonder if you could do it too.

You see, it does not really matter how you parted or what exactly happened between you two (after all – it is all in a past), what actually matters at this time is your and your ex’s hidden Motives. That’s right, with a big capital ‘M’.

Why exactly would you want to be friends with them? Can you answer this question honestly to yourself?

Here is the list of points to keep in mind BEFORE saying ‘yes’. You may have a different ‘title’ now (ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, ex-booty call etc.), but it does not mean they can’t dupe, con, abuse or hurt you AGAIN. Read through this self-check list and see if it is worth it…or should we say ‘if they are worthy to be your friend’?

1. Friends means balanced giving and taking. If they were a ‘taker’ and you were a ‘giver’, then being friends won’t change this dynamic. 1000% guaranteed.

In this case, to make it more clear and profound, just ask yourself this: “Really? What’s in it for ME??” Think long and hard because again, being a giver is not sustainable long term. Their motives are clear – they want to keep taking more, but how about you? Are you willing to keep giving into a black hole and continue feeling unappreciated, miserable, and undervalued most of the time?

Hell no!

Examples of such relationships: being their booty call on their terms, being a mistress of a married man, being ‘the other woman’.

They will weasel back into your pants and your heart to keep taking what they thought rightfully belonged to them. They may go as far as doing it behind their next girfriend’s back. They won’t stop taking the goodies until you put your foot down.

So, the verdict is the following here: stay away until you can resist their filthy advances and an urge ‘to give more’

2. Friends means healthy and genuine interaction. This kind of interaction does not involve games, mind tricks, blackmail, and some sort of a hidden agenda.

Think of some ex who pretended to be sorry about the whole thing and who made you believe there was another chance. Then think of what happened next. They either got you in bed, made you lend them money or wrecked you up emotionally.

You better be sure that once they are your friend they are honest and genuine. If you cannot believe it is possible, if you cannot trust them, then you do not want to be friends with them.

3. Do not be friends with them if your only motive is to keep tabs on their whereabouts. Some people just won’t let their exes go. Do not be that person.

You may have access to their life which may give you a false sense of control, but honestly – why would you want to pour so much energy into this? Are you that desperate? You may think that spying on someone is creepy, and if so, then how is spying on your ex not creepy? What if he has a girlfriend? How would she perceive you?

Have some dignity and self-respect and leave your ex alone. You will be much happier this way. I promise.

4. Do not be friends with them if you think you may have a second chance (of getting what you want). It is like they will suddenly realize what they have lost, will make a 180 degree U-turn, become a different person and give you that long awaited ring and commitment.

Or perhaps you are naively hoping they will:

~ upgrade you from a booty call to a girlfriend
~ their problems will magically disappear and your relationship will have a second chance
~ stop being busy 24/7 and put you on their super-duper crazy busy calendar
~ get rid of their stinky addiction
~ stop being a slob and irresponsible with money
~ dump their pregnant wife (yeah right!)
~ suddenly become Mr. Available

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Giving them another chance, even under a ‘friendship umbrella’ won’t change a thing. It is called hidden motives / manipulative agenda and you know now how it works. One party will eventually get disappointed.

By the way, being friends will make it even harder to push your agenda. They may not be as available, as agreeable, and as committed as they used to be. You are not an item anymore, you are ‘just friends’. They think that since you are not together anymore they do not owe you anything.

5. Do not be friends with them if they treated you poorly. This is rather a painful and touchy subject for many and I dedicated an entire article to it. You may find it here.

6. Do not be friends with them to prove your worth or to make them regret dumping you. Jumping through hoops – much harder this time – won’t change their mind.

Mind tricks, posting happy Facebook updates and making sure they see them, looking great, trying to pretend to be someone you are not, etc. won’t change the deep rooted reasons for the breakup; plus you're going to end up being rejected again.

This time they won’t even know they were a ‘rejector’ because the whole set up was a creation of your own making. What you will achieve here is transitioning from a not-satisfying relationship into a non-satisfying friendship. Ahem, who needs this kind of a ‘friendship’??

7. Do not be friends with your ex if your only motive is to keep them as a backup or a plan ‘B’ (aka your comfort blanket).

I know you do not want them anymore, but you may not feel comfortable with other people having them either. It is like a large suitcase without a handle or with a broken zipper – sort of useless but hard to throw away. They are so cozy, so comfortable, and so familiar and yet, are not your cup of tea.

If you have ever been a backup woman, then you know exactly how it feels. I know it may feel scary losing a dedicated friend because there is no guarantee someone will ever be this understanding or this ‘close’ to you, BUT lurking in the background and keeping their hopes up is a very wrong and selfish thing to do. Do not do it to your ex and do not let him do the same thing to you either.

You may consider being friends with your ex if:

~ none of the above listed applies to you
~ you were great friends before, but failed as a couple. Now it is back to being friends again
~ you are OK with them dating and sleeping with someone else
~ you moved on and got over them; there is no resentment, no hurt or other unresolved feelings
~ YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE with being just their friend. No more no less.

You may also want to determine what ‘a friend’ means to you. To many of us it is someone who we feel comfortable confiding with, someone who is understanding and provides a listening ear, someone we totally trust with our secrets and someone who makes our life simpler and better. Does your ex meet these criteria?? No? Then you’ve got your answer, Dear!