Here is why you do not want to be friends with your mean, crappy, disrespectful, toxic ex
There are types of exes – the ones where it ‘just did not work out’, ‘we grew apart’, or ‘he was nice, but there was no chemistry’ exes, etc – that may not be THAT detrimental to our health, emotional well-being and personal life should we want to stay friends with them after a breakup. I call them ‘OK exes’.
But there is this one type of an ex you do not want to be friends with no matter what. I call him a ‘toxic ex’.
You have a toxic ex if he was: a womanizer, emotionally unavailable, a jerk, a liar and a cheater, demeaning you as a person, unable to understand your pain, rude, treating you with disrespect and making you miserable way more often than happy.
When I have women come to me asking if they should stay friends with their toxic ex, the first question I always ask is “WHY?”
Why exactly would you want to be friends with that kind of a person? It is not like they are going to enrich, improve, and enhance your life, you know... So, WHY?
You may have your own little why-s and answer-excuses attached to them, but honestly speaking, it is not going to work long term.
I think, that these are the true underlying reasons why you want to be friends with your crappy ex:
~ to keep tabs on his whereabouts
~ to be present in his life after a breakup
~ living in denial that it is over
~ hoping he will change his mind and takes you back
~ not coping well with being rejected (we have egos too)
~ not willing to deal with the pain of a breakup
~ scared to start over/ scared of something new
~ because of so much time invested, you do not want to let go
So, in essence, what is happening here is that we are trying to hold on to something undesirable; something that we would have never wished upon our sisters, girlfriends, and daughters. We are trying to hold on to leftovers of a 1 star poor quality relationship where:
~ we were treated as a second class citizen
~ we felt unloved and unlovable
~ our self-esteem and self-worth took a nose dive
~ there was no care and true understanding
~ they had it all their way or on their terms (think of a booty call or friends with benefits relationships)
~ we did not feel happy most of the time, they knew it, but didn’t move a finger to change things
~ there was a lack of emotional connection
Just so you know, crappy and mean exes make crappy boyfriends, friends, and husbands too. So, let me ask you this one more time: why exactly would you want to be friends with them? What is it that you think will suddenly change (aka improve) to make them eligible to become your friend?
Nothing Will Change.
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Here is WHY you do not want to be friends with your ‘toxic ex’:
~ If you are looking to be in a satisfying committed relationship with a great man, then having your ex in the background will prevent you from achieving this. Your emotional involvement with a crappy ex will make you emotionally unavailable to other people. As long as you are emotionally connected/ invested with your ex, you won’t be able to focus on other people.
If you are the kind of a person who cannot date 2 people at a time, then this one single point applies to you especially. Ask yourself this: why should I sabotage my chances of new happiness because of some crappy ex?
Being invested into your ex prevents you from moving on and getting on with your life. Focusing on him is like having a shady relationship running in the background AT ALL TIMES which will definitely affect your current emotional well-being and future dating experiences.
I say – it is soooo not worth it. Do you agree with me on this one?
~ They will continue using you for an ego massage, self-esteem booster, for sex (very likely), for support and everything else they got used to receiving from you FOR FREE. Since you still care, you may continue on giving hoping they will learn to finally value you enough to give you the relationship you want.
Unfortunately, this setup will further devalue you in their eyes. They already know they have been treating you ‘less than’ and your efforts to continue will be regarded as being desperate.
Being understanding, kind, and sweet won’t make you more valuable, it will DEVALUE you further. Do not give more to prove your value. You will never be appreciated… just like you never were.
Playing ‘love me more’ games won’t promote healing and moving on. In fact, if you are not careful enough, you may end up at the bottom of a sticky swamp breaking your back 24/7 to make the unworkable work and the unchangeable change. It is almost like a contest, you know. The one your wounded ego won’t let you lose this time around.
Meanwhile, they will continue enjoying a woman ‘who likes them no matter what’, occasional lazy texts, care-free meetings, no obligations sex and a no expectations ‘friendship’.
Yep, they will be ‘winning’ again, at your own expense. Edges will eventually blur, and at one point you may even catch yourself wondering: “how come we are broken up and are not in a relationship but I am still servicing his needs??”
~ A toxic ex means damaged self-esteem and a shattered sense of self-worth. As long as you are focused on him you won’t be able to focus on you and work on your own issues.
There will be no moving on, no healing, and no progress. You will be stuck in the exact same depressing mind frame as when you were together previously, which means a tremendous waste of time and energy on some hopeless case that deserves to be discarded, learned from, and then buried 6 feet under. It is DEAD! As I like to say – do not try to squeeze anything out of a dead horse, all that will come out of it will be manure.
Ask yourself this: do you really want to break up with him or just keep going under pretenses of being ‘friends’. We both know it is not true. We both know that it is virtually impossible to be ‘just friends’ right after a breakup. Some time has to pass for it to happen; and in case with toxic exes - there is no deadline and it should/will never happen.
Just so you know, to just prove my point that toxic exes are all about THEM – go ahead and agree to being friends, but STOP servicing their needs and watch what happens to your ‘friendship’.
We both know the answer, don’t we?
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - I cannot stop thinking about him and Do you feel guilty about going No Contact? or my empowering e-Book When you are DESPERATE FOR HIS LOVE - how to leave your bad relationship without feeling like you are going against yourself