Is it a bad idea to get back with my ex after we have been broken up for 3 years?
The reason you want to get back together with your ex after a prolonged breakup is your positive selective memories. You remember what ‘it was like’ back then, and now you want ‘it’ all back again.
Here is something to think about: the relationship did not work out. Since you want to get back together you expect that it will work out this time. Otherwise, what is the point of reviving a doomed relationship, right?
No one wants to get back together to break up again.
Guess what? There are millions of ‘getting back together-s’ happening on a daily basis on this planet, and most of them fail. Do you know why? For the reason mentioned above. It is much easier to get back together than to make a previously doomed relationship work.
Those who do not learn from their failures are destined to repeat them again. Life is a b*tch. It will keep dishing out the same cold meal until one learns something. If you never figured out why your relationship failed AND what should be done THIS TIME to not make it happen, then I can give you a 1000% guarantee that it will fail again. It is just a given.
Breakup or no breakup, the same people means the same relationship, the same problems, and the same unfortunate outcome. One does not need to have a crystal ball to predict it. Do you agree with me on this one?
Those who DID learn something became a different person. Since they are a different person now, they think and look at things differently. What was acceptable for them back then is not acceptable now.
If the relationship was unhappy, if they felt humiliated, abused, coned, like a second class citizen, anxious, not good enough etc., AND if they regained a sense of self-worth after the breakup, then they will NEVER go back to the hell they came from. Why would they? They may even feel embarrassed for what happened to them and what kind of a person they were with.
To break up takes a lot courage. Breaking up means to inflict pain. In case they broke up with you - you may wonder why they would do that instead of trying to make it work. Here is a thing to remember: they broke up because the pain of being with you was greater than the pain of being without you.
I say, if they became a different person, then coming back to what it was back then is not possible. They have different standards and expectations now. The old relationship is gone and a new one will have to be initiated. Are you ready for this? Is this what you want?
To sum this up: getting back together is a very risky idea. On one hand, yes, you can get back to exactly same relationship you had in a past because the other person has not changed. Since they have not changed (and I assume you did not either), then the relationship will face the same issues that broke it off in the past.
On the other hand, getting back together may not work either, because the other person (or you) has changed. What is the other party to do? They may not be ready (or capable) for a ‘new’ relationship with a ‘new’ person.
To make it work, both parties should take a critical look at why it did not work out and what should be changed to make it work this time. Think of your relationship as a cruising boat. It requires a good mechanic and a great captain to reach its destination. Should any of these functions fail, the boat will either sink or get lost.
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The dark side of casual booty-call relationships
Many men dream of a casual relationship with a woman that is – in their mind – ‘uncomplicated’. An uncomplicated relationship with an uncomplicated woman is a casual relationship where there is plenty of sex happening, but there are no common ‘side effects’ present such as expectations of commitment, exclusivity, responsibility, love, care, and marriage.
Are you in a casual booty-call relationship with a ‘p*ssy on demand’ woman who never asks for more? Do you think you hit the jack pot and got a ‘good deal’?
As a female I would like to share with you something and you probably will not like it. Oh well, it is not like I’m going to lose something. It is actually for your own good.
It does not matter whether you like the woman you are sleeping with, love her, or totally do not care. What matters however, is that it says something about YOU.
Let’s take the female’s side first. As you probably know, females are biologically attracted to strong males. When they find someone worthy of their time, they will make sure to explore their chances. This is just a very brief explanation, but what you want to be concerned about here is that the booty-call woman you are currently with is NOT looking to explore those chances with you.
What it means is that as a female she does not see you as someone who is worthy of having a good long-term relationship with (i.e. to mate and reproduce). Females use different criteria when judging males, and since she is not asking for more, she sees you as someone who is not measuring up to common female’s standards.
Basically she puts you on the same level as the rest of the guys women have no true respect/attraction for: guys-friends, wimpy and indecisive beta-males, feminine males, emotionally incapable, and sore losers.
There is a huge chance that since she sees you in this light, many other females perceive you in this exact same manner as well.
In case she did ask you for more (but never received), rest assured that she is in pain, feels used, and secretly hates you. She also thinks of you as an emotionally handicapped man who cannot form healthy attachments, incapable of loving, and does not understand what good relationships are about.
Let’s take a look at your side now. Are you telling me now that the ‘good deal’ you have got going now is better than a healthy loving relationship between a man and a woman? Are you saying that casual just sex relationships are better? How about goodies that come with great relationships - Companionship, Love, Intimacy, Adventure, Happiness and more?
The ‘good deal’ you have got is a second hand lousy deal. Perhaps you are indeed emotionally handicapped or simply messed up to the point where having a normal relationship seems impossible to you.
It is not to say that the woman you are with does not have a problem. She of course does, and so – do you. As I like to say – our relationships are a reflection of who we are. They reflect our own believes of our own self-value and self-esteem. Without a single word, your own behavior demonstrates how exactly you perceive yourself and your sense of self worth. Your second-best ‘relationship’ is an indicator of your internal fears, complexes, unresolved pain, and weaknesses.
Yes, true relationships require courage, honesty, and open communication. And your current ‘relationship’ has none of that. It is all pretense, distance, disappointment, mistrust, emotional dissatisfaction and LONELINESS. It is impossible not to feel lonely in a casual relationship.
Perhaps you are not ready for more. Perhaps you just broke up and are looking to dull the pain. Perhaps you have not met Her yet, but hate to be lonely and therefore – the casual booty call relationship. You see it as an escape, as something temporary to get you back on your feet.
Your experience of having many booty call relationships that are a part of running away from something – rather than facing it head on and dealing with it – will never get you to the point where you want to be – the point of true content and resolution.
Running away from pain is running towards the pain. Running away from discomfort is running towards the exact same discomfort. Whatever is unprocessed will have to be processed. Sooner or later. Running away is to delay the healing process and therefore postponing great opportunities and missing out on happy chances.
Shielding frustrations with casual booty call relationships is like roaming in a swamp hoping for a miracle. One step left or one step right, running forward or back… the feet are still dirty and there will still be the same stinky mud. There is no relieve of any kind.
There is no resolution, but rather a mounting frustration over the fact that your casual relationship has failed to make you feel better and provide a permanent CURE for what was bugging you all along.
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