He is probably not your future husband & other thoughts on dating
1. Since it’s just a date, what are the odds everything will progress to marriage? In case they are your future husband, then there will be plenty of time to get to know them, but in case they are not – what’s the point of rushing things?
Wouldn’t you want to find out their intentions first? Either way, not rushing works in both situations. There is no ‘third’ situation available, since they are either your future significant other or not.
2. It is just a date. Perhaps the first and the last one with this person, who knows? It is not the beginning of something ‘new’, the start of something significant and major, and it is not something worth flipping over.
Do not immediately move furniture around mentally dedicating a place for them, do not re-new your entire wardrobe, do not suddenly color your hair, do not put his last name together with your first name, and do not do other crazy things. It is just a date, for goodness sake. Take it one date at a time and feel /behave accordingly.
3. Some people get attached easily. Do you get attached to everyone you date? Perhaps you do not know what you are looking for or not sure what you want. Dating is about selection. Getting attached to anyone is not how the selection process works. It is the opposite of selection, actually. Is there something else going on? Do you just want to be attached and in a relationship vs. finding the right person for you?
4. In the beginning you both will be putting on a show and not acting yourselves. It is just a human nature. You may want to keep it in mind in case a man disappears on you after 2 dates leaving you heartbroken. “Ahhh, he was such a charmer, such a gentleman! Blah-blah-blah”. No he was not. A true gentleman would at least say something – “You are a nice person, but I do not feel a spark. Good luck with your search”.
5. Think before sleeping with them. Sleeping with them may mess up things big time. In my experience it is where the sex begins that the ‘getting to know you’ phase ends. There will be less talks under the Moon and more talks about ‘getting together’ for you know what. Once sex is introduced they cut on being romantic. Besides, some people may have issues with getting ‘carried away too soon’ and disappear out of embarrassment and discomfort.
6. Dating someone who disappears and reappears is the same as eating stinky BS pretending it’s a dessert. You don’t really believe their lame excuses, do you?? It feels good to be remembered and stuff, but come on ladies, what does it say about you, the other person, and your new ‘relationship’?
The ‘relationship’ has not started yet and it appears to be dysfunctional already. They are surely after something else, not a relationship. I will let you guess what it is, but I think we both know the answer. If in doubt, ask yourself this: ”Does this man behave like my future husband?”. A big fat NO!
7. Dating is NOT about a self-esteem boost, an ego massage, proving to someone something, forgetting your ex, salvation, making your ex jealous, free meal tickets, healing old wounds, getting help on paying bills, being rescued, ‘to get some’, to fill up the empty you, dulling breakup pain, and other wrong stuff.
Dating with this sort of mindset will attract wrong people, and sometimes - very bad people. There is a whole bunch of manipulative predators out there searching for their prey. Your vulnerability will show! They will sense the weakness and won’t hesitate to exploit it. Do not go out there dating while feeling unwell. Do not make it worse for yourself.
8. They are not that special to ditch your hobbies and social life for them. First, it is not healthy, and second, being busy continuing your own life, that existed before the relationship started, will leave you feeling less empty should the relationship fail.
I see it all the time: a woman making her man the center of the Universe to only fall into a deep black hole after a breakup. The less other interests we have besides a relationship, the greater the vacuum is once it is over. Do not be THAT woman. Man or no man - have your own life going at all times. It is very doable and is not really that complicated.
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9. My personal experience shows that people unfold. With time they show who they are. One day, when they do something out of character, do not say “Omg, what made them change like that? Did I make them do that?”. The fact is, you did not. Like a pilled banana, they have revealed their inner self.
That is why it pays to take your time to let them unfold. All wrapped presents look beautiful... until we learn what’s inside the box. Have you ever received a meh present? Let them unfold. They may turn out to be a vanilla present not worth keeping.
10. It is nice to have a positive mindset when dating, but since most dating relationships do not work, it is better to be cautious. Being cautions with little to no expectations is the only way to prevent stress. High expectations are guaranteed to produce painful disappointments.
I see dating as this: 90% failure and 10% success. For some people it is 5 % success, and for others only 1%. But it is never a 100% success rate. There is no such thing as a 100% success rate. It simply does not exist! Stop being upset over that 90% failure. It was supposed to happen. It is OK and no, there is nothing wrong with you.
One more thing ladies. Here is something that has been bugging me all along. See if you agree. Why is it OK for a man to talk about sex on a first date, but not OK for a woman to talk about commitment and marriage on a first date?
It just goes to show how selfish men are. They offer sex early on without worrying that it might scare a woman, and we – the women – should keep our desires of marriage to ourselves because it might scare a man? Huh?
So, having a premature talk about sex is OK, but talking marriage is not??? Both subjects are not comfortable and are inappropriate this early on. How come we let it slide for men and not the other way around? Screw their feelings!!
You talk to me about sex and I’ll talk to you about wanting to get married some day. I do not care if it blows you away because guess what? That’s not what I am looking for – a first date that's about hooking up for cheap sex. WHAT ABOUT ME? I want it to be my way! Be gone!
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