Do not ask for exclusivity early on, especially if they act murky, are ‘unsure’ or exhibit a bunch of red flags
Are you one of those who thinks about exclusivity after just several dates? In your mind you want to make sure that there is no one else and you are on the same page in terms of your ‘relationship’.
It just does not feel right to continue seeing someone, kissing them, holding their hand, getting attached to them and even sleeping with them if they are still shopping around.
Since the described above ‘things’ happen rather quickly between two people, we are rather desperate for reassurance. We want to be absolutely sure that we are the only one they are doing those ‘things’ with.
This is especially true for those who are looking for a decent relationship with a decent person.
So, in essence, on one hand, we are looking for exclusivity with a person we know nothing about, while on the other – (given the length of this relationship) we feel like we have no right for such a request. It is just too soon.
Again, who the hell commits to a stranger after 3 dates or 3 weeks? Does not make sense, does it??
What do you do then?
1. Dating is about discovery. The discovery takes time. Give yourself time to get to know the other person and their intentions without getting too attached or rushing into anything. You will be glad you did!
With time people unfold. Never heard of it before? In other words, it means that over time people show more and more of who they are. Sometimes it takes a while to discover their true colors, but believe me, if you give it some time you will know all you need to know to make the right decision for you.
2. Just because it feels right it does not mean they feel the same. Some murky people like to just ‘go with the flow’. Do you know what that means? It means they will share and over-share, get emotional about things, will promise a lot, act super-passionate, pretend like they are your boyfriend AND if you play along (i.e. go with the flow too) guess what will happen?
Just because they went ‘with the flow’ it does not mean they are looking for something serious. They may just enjoy being ‘carried away’ and living in the moment. They love your attention and your company BUT that’s it. To take it one step further, they may have other channels to get themselves ‘carried away’ with too and unless a good chunk of time passes, there is no way of finding it out.
Let us admit, ladies. It is easy to get carried away. One thing leads to another and here we are – fully dependent, sexually addicted, and emotionally attached to a stranger we know almost nothing about... but expect to be exclusive at the same time.
3. Once you know their true agenda convincing and begging won’t be necessary. Why? Because you know now what they are about! If, for example, all they were looking for was a casual booty call, then begging them ‘to get married’ would be a waste of time.
Just imagine asking this type of a guy for exclusivity after only three dates? Do you think he would change his murky ways after saying ‘yes’? I say, forget about that exclusivity, maybe it is their shady behavior that you need to be focused on instead? How about those red flags? Are you dismissing them too?
Compatible relationships are easy. There is very little to no begging, coercing, nagging, pressure, demanding present in such relationships. There should be no excessive mental energy poured into it 'to make it work'. Give it some time to discover compatibility of your personalities and dating goals. Again, you will be glad you did!
4. If they are acting murky, then what is the point of asking for exclusivity? It is the same as saying: “I just want to make sure I am the only one woman in your life who you treat like this”… like it makes any difference. In short – if you are being treated 'less than', then you do not need their exclusivity. You may decide you do not want them at all!
5. As they sweet talk you, make sure they are not trying to convince you of something that does not feel right to you. If, for example, they say it is OK to date for a long time without moving things to the next level and this is not how you feel, then do not let them fool you into a dead-end relationship. They may sweet talk you into other things that may not feel right or even down right disgusting. I say – do not let them! Listen to your gut and intuition.
As one woman said: “I find it insulting if all they can offer me is sex. It makes me feel disposable”. Exactly, ladies! If something does not feel right, then do not go along with it no matter what they say.
To sum it up: do not ask for exclusivity too soon. What if they are a creep with filthy intentions? Get to know them instead to make sure they are NOT.
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