Do not assume you got to know them after just several dates
Do you really think you could get to know someone in just several dates? I mean, it may feel like you do, but feelings aside, do you truly believe it is possible?
When a total stranger feels the way you do, thinks the same things, and is able to finish your sentences it may feel like you have known them for ages.
You think “Oh, wow, I have never met anyone like this before. We seem to get along so well and seem so compatible. Everything is so effortless and easy, maybe I have found a match!”. You may even say “Have we ever met before? You seem so familiar”
You think that since you have ‘connected’ so well and since you are on the same page on various issues you know now who they are, and more importantly – what to expect.
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When it happens we do not want to think about what is real and what is not. Perhaps we just want to enjoy the high or just to be in the moment. Or maybe we believe in happy ending and fairy tales, who knows. It feels so good… Perhaps too good? Too good to be true?
Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but if you ‘freeze’ your opinion of this person at this time (because you think you know them already), you may end up being painfully confused, disappointed, pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised later.
When you think you know them already you unconsciously shut down your radar and begin ignore its signals. You stop questioning or may simply choose to ignore (or justify) their uncomfortable behavior, ugly red flags and other unpleasant ‘things’. You stop analyzing, observing and thinking. Again, since you believe you got to know them so pretty darn well you may opt not to waste mental energy on nit picking on their little cute missteps.
It is like they are this cute unsolved multi-piece puzzle. Who cares what those missing pieces are? You just fill the blanks with your cozy dreams and opinions. So convenient...
It is when one day, when they suddenly do something utterly weird, wrong, painful or shocking you get hit with a ton of bricks: ‘Gee, I did not expect that. It is not like them. What happened? Did they CHANGE?’
I thought they were this and that and now what? Did something change? Did I do something wrong to make it happen? Is it my fault? How come I did not see it coming? Where do we go from here? Is there a hope? I cannot believe I was lied to all this time. I feel like a fool. I thought they were loyal, committed and ready, what did I do to change it? WHY WOULD THEY CHANGE??
You see, they did not really change. You simply choose NOT to get to know them better.
It takes time to get to know someone. It takes time to observe their actions in different situations, to learn about their attitudes, morals, values, true intentions, their past, and their core believe system. It really does take time to get to know another human being. We may choose to stay with that initial frozen image of them – the one we created in the very beginning – or be open to getting to know them better on a day to day basis.
We may choose to be stuck on our fancy dream about them or be real and learn who they actually are. That way, when they do something weird or bizarre we won’t have troubles reconciling it in our heads with what we thought they were, and we won’t get surprised as much, offended or hurt.
Instant connection with someone does NOT mean:
~ they are looking for the same thing as you are
~ they have an uneventful past and therefore no to little baggage
~ they are single and available
~ they do not have a hidden agenda
~ they are capable of meeting your needs and expectations
~ they do not have a girlfriend, a wife, a naggy baby-mama in the background or a mental ex who keeps popping up periodically.
~ you are perfectly compatible
Instant connection is a good start, but it should be just a start, not The End of the getting to know them journey. Besides, it is totally in your interests to know more about them. The more we know the better choices we make.
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