Dating Is Awkward Because Nobody Gives You the Choreography

Dating has an odd little reputation problem: the moment something feels awkward, uncertain or mildly uncomfortable, we start wondering whether something is wrong.

Sometimes something is wrong.

And sometimes you have simply walked onto a dance floor where nobody bothered to teach you the steps.

The music has already started, a man you barely know is standing opposite you looking perfectly composed, and both of you are expected to behave naturally while quietly wondering what exactly happens next.

Naturally.

A flawless plan.

The Edge of the Dance Floor Is Extremely Comfortable

Before dating enters the picture, life can become wonderfully familiar. You know your people, your routines, your favorite places, your usual pace, and exactly how much social energy you have available before you would prefer everyone to go home.

Then dating introduces a stranger — a pleasant one, perhaps, but still someone who suddenly wants to know where you grew up, what you are looking for, whether you have siblings and why your last relationship ended.

You have known this man for twenty-seven minutes.

Apparently we are doing biography now.

No wonder dating can feel uncomfortable: two near-strangers are trying to decide whether they might eventually enjoy sharing parts of a life while still remembering each other’s last names.

That is a rather ambitious agenda for one glass of wine.

The First Few Steps Are Rarely Graceful

Early dating asks people to manage a peculiar combination of openness and restraint.

Show interest, but not so much interest that the evening suddenly looks like the first meeting of a future household. Be yourself, but perhaps not every version of yourself at once. Be relaxed while evaluating someone. Be spontaneous while also remembering that you are being evaluated right back.

Wonderful.

No wonder everybody occasionally steps on a foot.

And because the rhythm is still unfamiliar, tiny moments can feel much larger than they are. A pause seems meaningful. A nervous laugh gets reviewed. One slightly odd comment wanders home with you and receives far more attention than it enjoyed at dinner.

The poor little comment had no idea it was about to become a major character.

Early dating gives tiny details enormous careers because, frankly, there is not much else on the relationship résumé yet.

When you know someone well, one awkward moment is simply one awkward moment.

When you barely know him, it may be asked to explain the entire man.

Very efficient.

Then Everybody Starts Counting

This is where ordinary discomfort can become entertainingly overqualified.

Instead of simply noticing that the evening felt a little awkward, the mind starts keeping rhythm.

Was he nervous?

Was I nervous?

Was that silence too long?

Did I talk too much?

Did he seem interested?

Did I seem too interested?

At some point, two adults are no longer having dinner. They are silently counting one-two-three-four and praying nobody notices.

The strange thing is that the more carefully you monitor the dance, the less natural it feels.

Nobody waltzes beautifully while staring at her own feet.

And yet early dating practically invites this. Everything is new, nothing has settled, and every small movement feels as though it may contain secret information.

Sometimes it does.

Often it is just Tuesday evening in a restaurant and two people have not learned each other yet.

Of Course, Some Men Are Doing an Entirely Different Dance

Not every uncomfortable feeling deserves to be dismissed as first-date awkwardness.

Sometimes you arrive expecting a pleasant little waltz and discover that the man has launched into something alarmingly experimental near the curtains.

That is different.

There is a difference between this is unfamiliar and I actively dislike being here.

A little uncertainty comes with meeting someone new. Pressure, dishonesty, contempt, disrespect or the mysterious urge to escape through the kitchen do not need to be promoted into charming first-date nerves.

Sometimes the steps are awkward, and sometimes the partner is simply wrong; the difficulty is that human beings are not always brilliant at telling the difference immediately, especially when attraction is involved and attraction has been known to place several questionable dances under the heading perhaps give it another song.

Eventually, You Stop Watching Your Feet

When two people continue seeing each other and genuinely like one another, something very ordinary and very pleasant begins to happen.

The rhythm settles, the biography questions disappear, and pauses stop demanding interpretation. You know his laugh now, he knows when you are teasing, and neither of you is wondering whether ordering dessert has accidentally communicated lifelong intentions.

The strange little performance begins to dissolve.

Familiarity has a lovely way of taking what once required full concentration and turning it into something you barely notice yourself doing.

The man who once felt completely unknown becomes the person whose coffee order you remember without thinking, whose stories you recognize halfway through, and whose presence no longer makes every small silence feel like an emergency.

And that may be the funniest thing about the discomfort of dating.

The beginning can feel awkward precisely because it is a beginning.

You are not necessarily doing anything wrong. You are simply learning a new rhythm with someone who is learning yours at the same time.

At first, everybody watches their feet.

Then, if the music is right, nobody remembers they were counting.