Dating is like shopping; sometimes they do not like what they have got and would like to return it
Ever wondered where all those men go after only 1 really nice e-mail, after 1 super friendly and exciting phone call, after 1 text message or after 1 perfect date?
Yep, they went missing in the woods, hoping you won’t come looking because seeing you again is the last thing they want to deal with.
There is this consumer’s mentality where one feels entitled to nibble around, to try it out, to test it, and maybe to give it some time before deciding to keep the merchandise.
When they shop online on a dating site they are a ‘consumer’ and you are the ‘merchandise’. You can certainly choose to be a consumer too, which is more empowering by the way, but at this time, let us focus on the other side of the story – being selected and then dumped by a man.
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No matter the shopper type, I want you to remember this: rejections are not about who you are per se. They are rather about mutual compatibility. It has to work on both ends. If it does not, then a rejection takes place.
So, when they shop online ‘for Love’ and then meet you in person/ talk over the phone /send emails etc, it means that you are in a trial period. Trial means TEMPORARY or ‘eligible for return’.
Meeting for dinner and even sleeping together after 2 dates does not mean anything. At least to them. They are in a trial mode which means there is a chance you will be ‘returned’ back.
Most people do not like dealing with returns, especially difficult ones. If we sell ourselves short and come across as an item on sale with a ‘final sale’ tag on it, AND if they sense it, then a peaceful return will not be possible.
“Gee, how do I get rid of this needy person? Will they flip out? Will they commit suicide? For the sake of my own sanity, I would better say nothing”
They pack their bags and disappear into a different universe, aka the place where they cannot be seen or heard from.
Now, let’s say you are not like that. Let’s say you are a calm, collected, not needy and completely reasonable woman, someone of good pedigree and graceful style.
Unfortunately, no matter the rare qualities and a high price tag, if they find you are not compatible or something is not right, you will still be rejected. Just like with any merchandise that we send back for return, we are not really expected to truthfully explain to the other party what exactly went wrong. As common sense tells us, a bogus reason will do.
Maybe they did not know what they wanted, maybe they changed their mind, maybe they found something cheaper and better, maybe the item did not meet their expectations, maybe they did not read the label correctly and bought a wrong brand. Who knows? Sometimes they do not know it themselves!
So, sometimes when they shop on dating sites they make wrong purchases. They meet, sample it, maybe even sleep together several times, and then decide it is not for them.
Do not ask them “Why?”
None of the answers will do any good to your sense of self-worth. They may even provoke you to jump into a pleaser mode!
“So, he said I was too quiet and boring… hmmm. Ok, I will try to be chatty next time and may come up with some cute stories too”
NO YOU WILL NOT. Do not do this. Period.
You are who you are. Jumping through hoops like a poodle for a biscuit is a wrong way to earn a man’s interest, attraction, and respect. How do you even know it was the true reason? What if it was them, not you? What if there was somebody else already? How do you know? You don’t!
Do not ask them why they left. Do not beg them to take you back and try one more time.
Does it make them a bad guy? No. Does it mean you are a bad woman and something is wrong with you? No.
If it makes it easier for you to cope with the loss: you were not the only one they rejected. Shopping online for dates is an addictive hobby and god knows what else was in their shopping cart.
It takes time and a lot of rejections to find the right match. It is a law of life. Rejections are everywhere, but so are offers too. The more rejections you go through, the higher the chance of an offer.
After all, it is not about finding the perfect man. It is about finding an IMPERFECT man who is perfect for you… which means you do not need to be perfect either. You are who you are. A man in love won’t want you to change.
**ONLINE SHOPPERS TO BE AWARE OF**
The one who does not know what he wants: expect his shopping cart to be full of randomly picked items on a whim. Expect to be dumped on a whim too.
The picky one: expect to find only one or several items in his cart. They look for reasons NOT to buy rather than to buy. Expect to be scrutinized left and right by this man. Picky men tend to be excessively critical and quite often are lonely people.
The one who has a list of desired qualities: a methodical shopper who takes his time to find what he wants. You may or may not be lucky enough to tick all his boxes, but do not expect it to be easy. They definitely know what they want!
The one with a “let’s wait and see” mindset: one word here – unpredictability. Take one day at a time and do not make plans for next Christmas.
The emotionally disturbed one: he shops to feel better. Shopping uplifts his mood, boosts his energy and brightens his gloomy days. Perhaps he is going through a divorce, is deeply lonely or is suffering from a breakup.
With this state of mind, he is certainly not capable of sound judgment and is not emotionally available for a healthy relationship. You do not want to be his dedicated 24/7 arm chair psychologist, do you??
A shopaholic: a shopaholic is always on the look out to add more to his closet, i.e. a harem. Players, womanizers, and serial cheaters belong to this category.
Shoppers who like to collect. I call them ‘collectors’. Collectors collect women across the region and across the country. Traveling for business and attending conferences in various cities makes it easy for them to meet and form long-distance relationships with multiple women. If they are not from your town – beware!
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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