Coping with breakup pain. Post-breakup must haves
Think of these as the rules that if fully followed will spare you from unnecessary post-breakup pain and aggravation. Do not make things worse (for yourself) than they should. Dragging on breakups is never a good idea!
In the moment of weakness start repeating these to yourself. You will get through it, I promise!
1. I am not going to call, text or email him
For the sake of my own fragile sense of well-being, I am not going to call, text or email him. Doing any of these will trigger anxiety over waiting for his response or even worse – him never responding. For this single reason, not contacting him is better than contacting.
Why take that chance? For now, I will stay in my own cozy cocoon. I do not want to be injured by his behavior or words more than I already am.
Yes, secretly, somewhere deep down in my mind, I would like him to contact me, but such hopes will only sabotage my moving on process. The best way to move on is to accept that there is no hope and the breakup is final.
2. I will not respond to his calls or offers to be friends
Since I am hurting right now, I am not ready for anything else with that person. Gee, I am not ready to see him, to talk to him, to be friends, some kind of buddies or whatever.
Getting along with the offer will only feed his ego “She still finds me attractive!” I am not an ego feeding machine!
Although being friends sounds tempting (what if we get back together?) it is not the right thing to do at this time. I say, maybe later but not now.
My current goal is to get over the breakup, not to build a friendship with my ex.
3. I may or may not date others. I just want to go with what feels comfortable to me at this time
I am not going to go against myself and start seeing other people when I am not ready. I do not care what others say – “Oh, why don’t you just find another boyfriend? Plenty of fish in the sea!” All I care about is my own time frame and my own sense of comfort. I‘ll proceed at the speed that is comfortable for me.
In the meantime I will try to occupy my time with things I always enjoyed but strangely, never had time for when I was in the relationship. Maybe it is long forgotten knitting, maybe it is playing a musical instrument, maybe it is something else I always loved and felt was a part of me. I want to do them because they are soothing, calming, and satisfying.
4. I will make an effort to think about ME and focus on ME
I have to admit that when I was in a relationship with that man, all I could do is think about him. All my focus was on him, on his needs, on what he was doing and what he was thinking. I did not really spend that much time thinking about ME or my own needs.
This is unacceptable.
I am free now and it is time now to shift the focus onto ME. Since It has been a while since I thought about my own needs, I may need some time to figure out what it is that I need or want in this life.
It does not have to be a mega-multi-year plan. I‘ll start with something small. This is MY life and my future, and no one can take it away from me. Not even that man!
5. I am not stifled by the relationship anymore
Relationships require compromises, agreements, and sticking to some inconvenient rules (like not being messy in their place, wearing makeup ‘because they like it’ or sleeping with makeup on out of fear of him not liking me without it, pressure of staying in shape, or being home by 10 pm).
I am not stifled by any of this anymore! I now can do what ‘I’ please. I will go to places I want, I will wear what I want, and even eat what I want. I do not mind gaining an extra 3 pounds during this difficult time.
Yes, it is that wonderful.
6. I‘ll not give him a chance to use me for sex
Nothing, absolutely nothing good will come out of it. Sleeping with him will hurt me emotionally and feed his ego big time “Lookie here, she still wants me.. on such crappy terms. I suppose I’m a worthy guy after all.. I have been such a jerk to her and she still wants me.. ha ha… And now, since we are not in a relationship anymore, I won’t even have to move a finger to get laid. A wet dream of every guy! How did I get so lucky?”
I know that sleeping with him may feel like getting back together, but it will never be the case. Getting back together does not start with post breakup sex. It starts with a dialog of two adults of what went wrong in the relationship and how to make things work.
When an offer for sex comes in I’ll make my point clear – we are either fixing our broken relationship or it is a big fat ‘No’. I won’t allow myself to get hurt by this man again. I have to be protective of ME.
7. I will not trash my health for him
I‘ll not drink excessively, use drugs or do other stupid things to sabotage my recovery process. I know it hurts, but there are other ways to deal with the pain.
Here is what I am going to do: I‘ll try to picture the pain I am currently feeling and figure out what it looks like. Does it look like a hot ball full of fire? Does it look like a giant black hole? Something else? Once I have decided what it looks like I‘ll mentally put that pain in front of me, maybe like 5 feet away.
I’ll stare at that pain and let myself feel it. I’ll look at that pain directly and won’t try to hide away from it. I have to face the pain to heal.
As I do this exercise regularly, I may notice the change. The pain may look smaller or feel less intense. It will be me against the pain. I know I am stronger.
8. I will not hide away from the world
I may not feel like smiling right now, but it does not mean that the sun will stop rising on the horizon, birds will stop singing and the entire life on the planet will come to a screeching halt. The pain is profound, but there are still things I can enjoy, even if just the little ones. Listening to music on You Tube, reading articles, watching movies, eating comfort food…
I’ll continue going through my days enjoying little things because that’s what he does. He is not hiding in his pajamas crying over our breakup. He is living life full of events because this is what men usually do right after breakups – they jump into new relationships immediately.
I am not going to cry in my room. Hell no.
9. I‘ll not bump into him ‘by accident’
I will not go places where he hangs out. These sort of things never turn out well. What if he is with somebody else? That would make me feel so much worse! I am not going to do anything that could cause me additional pain.
10. I‘ll not take him back
The only man worth taking back is the man who comes crawling back on his knees promising to do anything to make things work. Should something like this happen, we will come up with the plan. One example is - counseling.
As I do not expect any of this from him, the writing is on the wall. I am not taking him back to break up again. And then again and again.
I know it is comforting to be back with someone we know. Even the issues that broke us up feel ‘comfortable’ and ‘familiar’.
The familiar will always feel better than the unfamiliar. It is a very scary feeling to reject the ‘familiar’ over unknown uncertainty, but the thing is that doing the right thing does not always feel comfortable. That’s just the way life is.
Sometimes, for the sake of long term comfort, we have to endure short term discomfort and pain.
I will not take this man back. He had a chance with me and he blew it. We are not compatible.
11. I’ll accept help when needed
I know I am supposed to be strong, but it does not mean I have to do it alone. There are plenty of resources for me to deal with the grieving process. I’ll read self-help books, talk to friends or sign up with short-term therapy should I feel like I am falling apart. I am not giving up on myself. I’ll get myself through it.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - Comforting and cozy post-breakup thoughts and Rejection: it is not always about YOU! or if you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this super affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.