Rejection: it is not always about YOU!
Think about that doom and gloom spiral we fall into every time someone rejects us. We want to think it is not about us, but our mind, an aching heart, and vivid memories scream otherwise - ‘Perhaps I was not worthy enough to stay’, ‘I am such a lost case now, they did not even see the point of sharing their misgivings with me’
The problem with these statements is that they are not only wrong, they unnecessarily distort our own self-image. We are looking into a defective mirror and believe what we see. The distorted images, shapes, and forms is what we think we are now because if we were not, they would have not rejected us.
As if that was not enough, there is also another, more subtle type of rejection – when they are still with us. They feed us with leftovers of attention and love while withholding a bigger piece of the pie (true love and commitment).
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When it happens, we think that perhaps we could make things work IF ONLY we could find that missing piece of the puzzle.
I once knew a woman who was dating a man for 5 years who would not commit to marrying her. She was so determined that she came up with a list of reasons that, in her opinion, were preventing him from committing.
She thought he could not marry her because:
~ He did not have a well-paying job.
She figured that fixing this issue would move things along. She did make an attempt to help him with this, but as you have probably guessed by now, no new job was good enough to advance their relationship to the next level.
~ There was no decent place to live.
She made an attempt to tackle this problem to come up with a solution. Come on now, I think it is a no brainer that 2 working people should have issues with finding a reasonable place to live, shouldn’t they?? That did not go very well though. The reason? - messy ‘issues with his family’. One only knows what this excuse means…
Other ‘reasons’ on her list were: his mental state of mind, being a "momma's boy", not decisive enough (aka being a passive beta-male), waiting until ‘the timing is right’. On her end, however, she was kind, loyal, good looking and accomplished. She was a great woman per se and YET she felt terribly rejected.
When we took a closer look into her situation, it became pretty obvious that all the reasons of his rejecting her – ALL OF THEM – had actually to do with him. It was not her, it was all about him!!
I say, think of all the past painful rejections you had and try to see what you have not seen earlier. Did they have something to do with it? I bet if you look hard enough you may finally find consolation and come to peace of what happened. Try it! You will be amazed how much better you will feel after this exercise.
In dating, and especially in relationships, subtle rejection along with their toxic attitude is something we should not always take personally. Instead, we should see things for what they are!
1. They may have emotional baggage and playing it all out with you to get it ‘resolved’. The sad reality is such that they may not be aware of it.
2. They may know already they are a ‘bad fit’ for you, but will keep going nevertheless, because - let’s put it out as it is – no one likes to be alone. They know they are ‘bad’, but due to their selfish reasons they won’t move a finger to accommodate you or meet your expectations. Therefore, there is a feeling of rejection on your part.
3. They are all about themselves, their needs, plans and dreams. They may have hidden agenda and you are just a ‘casualty’.
4. When trying to make your expectations clear they may act like you are asking to gift you a car or give you one million dollars. They make square eyes and act terribly surprised (or annoyed, or irritated, or have this ‘stop nagging me’ attitude). They already know they are someone who disappoints you and they are OK with this. They just do not want to be reminded of it.
5. In case they have a high opinion of themselves they especially won’t like your ‘nagging’. They do not want to be reminded of what an inadequate loser they are.
6. They know their limits and how much they are capable of giving (to YOU). They know they are not giving enough, but may pretend like they are. You may want to call them on this BS.
7. You may feel especially rejected if you discover that they were capable of giving (insert your unmet expectation here) to another woman. Such discovery immediately reduces our sense of self-worth by many points and is a real self-esteem killer. It is painful to think that he is 1) actually capable of delivering 2) there was a woman who received it, and therefore 3) you are not good enough to get it.
To down play the feeling of rejection and justify staying, you may secretly have thought that he was ‘not that good in relationships’ or simply was ‘not capable’ until it became obvious that he actually WAS.
8. They may not be aware how badly rejected we feel. If we keep it all to ourselves and/or are too uncomfortable to make waves they may never know.
We won’t share because we think that they won’t deliver anyway or we may not want to look confrontational. Such an attitude is a sign of acceptance. Sometimes, when we love too much, we accept too little to feel fully happy. We just know that ‘more’ won’t happen and choose to live with the pain of rejection.
9. They know you are not The One, but do not expect them to tell you this directly into your face. Read this article - Rebound relationships: do not let them use you as a spare airport to land.
When someone rejects us, it is better to step aside and remove ourselves from the equation. As we do that, it may become crystal clear what happened and why, and that we did not cause them to mistreat us.
Forgive them for being so lost, damaged, jaded, confused, misleading, screwed up, perhaps sick in their head, and distracted. Their state of mind is (or was) certainly in the wrong place, and of course it is not our job to fix them. You may want to move on with your life as this is the best loving thing you can do for yourself at this time.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - You do not need to be on the same page with them to move on and Did I scare him away or this custom selected quality e-Course Why He Disappeared (you will not be disappointed)