Love bombing and future faking - how to be in control!
It is only after it all ends we finally see it for what it was – love-bombing and a shameless future faking. “I was love-bombed twice already… How do I trust people again?” – writes Mary A. from London, UK.
There are so many questions about love-bombing. See if these resonate with you:
~ Were they genuine in their pursuit??
~ How could they love me one day and reject the other? Are they psychotic?
~ How come I did not see the breakup coming? Is there something wrong with me?
~ Is there something I could have done differently to get a different outcome?
~ Was it all real or fake? I would assume now that it was fake, but honestly, it did not feel like it at that time. How could I be so blind?
~ I think I am having a stroke. What just happened here??
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Here is the deal: it is not that you were blind and they were fake, it is the nature of the relationship itself and the two people involved.
See, not everyone is susceptible to love-bombing. There is something about you and the other person that made this whole twisted charade possible. It is like 2 adversaries that have found each other to create a destructive storm.
Could have this been prevented?
Let me ask you this: Have all of your relationships been like this? Did every single partner love-bomb and future-fake you? NO? Then why is that, may I ask? It all boils down to a “Love Map”.
What is Love Map? In simple terms, the Love Map is specific to you and involves your individual needs and desires in a relationship. It also represents expectations of what the other person should do and how to act to make it work with you.
Some people have unordinary and unconventional Love Maps. They see love, dating, and relationships differently than you. Nothing is wrong with having different Love Maps as long as these ‘maps’ are communicated to each other.
Example: Some women see flowers, gifts, and dinners as a necessary ‘dating ritual’ and any man not delivering in this area will be discarded.
“He is such a loser – they say – he has no idea how to date a woman properly!”
To which I respond – “But how did he know what is ‘proper’ for you? Until you let him know, he would just follow his own Love Map - which is drinking beer and watching sports in a bar… with his date. Happens, right?
He did not see his own dating behavior as being a loser. He was just following his own ‘truth’ i.e. his own Love Map. In his mind he did nothing wrong... and yet, got dumped.
The rule of thumb: when appropriate, let them know how to date you properly and what your expectations are. Basically, you need to voice out your Love Map.
The further their behavior deviates from your Love Map, the weirder the dating will feel to you. You may also feel unloved, misunderstood, and disrespected. The whole thing will just feel off.
I used the word ‘appropriate’ intentionally here. Many times love maps just naturally align or happen to be very similar. In these cases, they do things (without explaining!) exactly as we want and our responses are exactly like they expect. I call it a good match. It is those kinds of relationships that go flawlessly and smoothly, with little to no conflict, and eventually lead to commitment.
Similar Love Maps is very good news and a great predictor of smooth sailing.
Now, let’s go back to love bombers and future fakers. What do you think of their “Love Map”?
Yep… I think, we already know the answer. Next question: your personal part in this. Could something have been done on your end?
Because love bombing and future faking is not your thing (it sure is not on your Love Map!) and because I truly believe that you are a good person with a decent Love Map, your only mistake, perhaps out of weakness or fear, was NOT speaking up.
Yes! At the very first sign of them acting out, all you had to say “I am sorry dear, I like you very much, but this is just too fast for me”.
I call it "damage control" and "future disaster prevention".
Here is why it is important.
When we choose NOT to say anything and go along with their crazy Love Map, they assume that we are OK and comfortable. They have no freaking idea what our Love Map is!
Since they do not know any better and since this is the only way for them to behave, they assume that you AGREE with everything they are doing to you and with you.
And then, of course, 1 or 2 months pass by and you are like “Wait a minute, this is crazy! Things are moving way too fast! I do not think I can continue like this. No more shit sandwiches! I better let them know”
You sit them down, drop your own bomb i.e. have a “talk” and then the unimaginable happens: they break up with you.
Because after going along with their crazy Love Map for so long putting sudden breaks on it now will feel like rejection. And you cannot blame them for that. How can you? In their mind, they did nothing wrong. As a matter of fact, they now do not get the sudden change. Why would you say ‘No’ now? What happened? Did you stop loving them?
They feel rejected and misunderstood. You feel rejected and misunderstood. It is a perfect storm and the boat is sinking.
Rescuing the boat
Ok, I messed up, is there still a chance? – you ask.
Sure there is! There is always a chance.
Explain to them how you feel. Offer to read this article!
The other person has to be mature enough to understand your concerns. They should be respectful, compassionate, and open-minded. Scaling back won’t be easy (a penis doesn’t have an off switch) but hopefully, you will come up with something that will work for the both of you.
Be prepared to have a meaningful conversation. Do not just say “Oh, things seem so crazy, I do not know what I want”. If successful, this should be a turning point in your relationship.
If they walk, then you did not lose much. How can you build a long-term relationship with someone who blatantly dismisses your boundaries, feelings, and needs? How can you be comfortable in a relationship where it is either their way or the highway? How about you? Do your feelings matter? Do your needs matter? Do YOU matter?
They walk, and you walk too! Not a match. Life is too short to drink from the well of bitterness. Next!
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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