He changed his mind and broke our engagement. What do I do?

Imagine dating a guy for 5 years, finally getting a ring, and then him backing off days or weeks later with a lousy “I am not ready to commit” speech.

What do you do then? What do you do when a man changes his mind and breaks the engagement?

It sure does feel awful when they drop a stinking bomb like this. On top of that, somehow your relatives, perhaps parents and close friends immediately assume that YOU did something wrong for this to occur.

“But I did nothing wrong – you say – all I did was to be patient and understanding”

And, as lawyers like to say “That’s your problem, right there! The incriminating evidence!”

“Where? – you ask – I do not see any problem”

Of course, you don’t. Someone has to point it out to you.

You see, your guy has a problem. When you first met the problem was already there. But because you either chose not to see it, ignored it, or genuinely believed him it now has become your problem too.

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That is why I am advising every woman not to date anyone for more than 2 years. Unless you are in your teens, dating someone for 2 years and having nothing to show for it is already a major red flag.

Dating someone for 5 years with no ring should be an automatic dis-qualifier and a deal-breaker.

Back to your situation.

At this point, you have 2 options. You have to act quickly because time is not on your side.

Option 1:

Kick him to a therapist/counselor. He can either attend him/her in person or visit them online. A good therapist will straighten his mind, remove mental blocks, and help to gain a different perspective. A win-win for both of you. (See affordable online counseling here)

Option 2:

Since men do not like visiting ‘shrinks’, you may want to change your tune. You see, being loving, understanding, and super patient got you into this mess. What it means to you is that continuing with this kind of behavior is not going to work. You have to change your behavior to get a different result.

I generally advise kicking these types of men to the curb. First, they string you along for 5 years with no ring. That’s an insult in and of itself. Second, after finally coughing up the ring they take it back. That’s a double insult.

Hello! YOU ARE A WOMAN! Deep down you do know you deserve better, don’t you?? If so, then why are you putting up with this?

Here is why: you love him more than you love yourself.

Loving a man more than yourself never works. It never ever works.

Look what happens when we love them more:

~ their needs take priority over ours

~ we end up being a giver who never gets back

~ we do not feel like we are in a balanced relationship. They are always first and we are always second.

~ we feel neglected, unloved, and lonely most of the time

~ we blame ourselves for their non-committal behavior

~ we live in denial: “he is a great guy, he loves me and will eventually commit”. 10 years later and still no ring we still believe this myth.

~ we feel like we are not good enough, like we do not matter that much, and are not worthy of something more meaningful (i.e. an engagement ring)

~ they expect you to be there for them

The results are always the same, no matter the country of your residence or the breed of a male:  DISRESPECT and BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED are guaranteed.

Read this carefully: Because of your love they know you are not going anywhere. Because of your understanding, they expect to be forgiven no matter the stunt and because of your patience, they now feel like they can go on forever with no commitment… and no consequences too.

And guess what? They are right.

That’s why things are the way they are. It is not just them. It is you too.

Since they won’t go to see a counselor and won’t want to change, the only option is left here – is changing yourself.

The best thing you can do here is to step back from the relationship and take a critical look at where you are in life. You can also see a counselor to figure out your behavior with men. Perhaps you need a correction of some sort or simple guidance. You may want to work on self-love and becoming more assertive.

An engagement ring is a promise of love and commitment. Them taking it back means the opposite. A broken engagement plus his unwillingness to work on issues is your legitimate way to get out of a relationship.

“But he loves me!”  - you scream

Yes, Dear. He sure does love you. But he loves himself more. And by breaking the engagement he has just proven that to you.  How much more evidence do you need?

P.S. This article was written for women who are looking for commitment and marriage. I am sure there are plenty of dating situations where neither commitment nor marriage is expected. In such cases, this article does not apply.

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