Dealing with a Vanisher – a Vulture of time: what to do and what to say
Do you have a Vanisher on your hands and are not sure what to do and what to say?
To get things straight from the start: a Vanisher is a man who disappears and reappears on a regular basis, someone who keeps zero or little contact between dates.
A Vanisher is an inconsistent and unpredictable man, someone who blows hot and cold, sends mixed signals, and is difficult to figure out.
A Vanisher is a Vulture of your time. The time you will never get back. The time you could have spent on meeting other people and cultivating promising relationships.
Now, since we got that out of our way I have a short and long answer for you as to what to do and what to say when dealing with a Vanisher.
The long answer. Dealing with a Vanisher can be confusing and tricky, especially if you really like him.
I get it. When feelings are involved, logic and reasoning go out of the window, leaving us vulnerable to the Vulture… waist deep in a sea of denial.
If you still insist on making things work and would like to give him a chance, then here is what you can do.
Let’s say he has been MIA (missing in action) for some time. And, let’s say you got a message from him today asking to meet.
Naturally, you are excited and unfortunately sad at the same time.
You are excited because he finally came back and maybe even feel flattered that he remembered you. You also feel sad because deep down you wished he was staying in touch with you all this time.
There is always this sinking feeling in the gut when a man does not meet the secret desires of your heart and fails to display certain behaviors. We want them to be this and that, and when they are not we lose hope and feel disappointed. We lose hope that they could be The One.
It is true that inconsistent men are very depressing to deal with.
So, what do you say to a Vanisher who has reappeared and invites you to meet? If you want him to change his ways and be more consistent here is what you say:
In case he was completely gone:
“Oh, so sorry, you disappeared for such a long time. I thought you were gone forever. I find you attractive, but I have already accepted an invitation from someone else”
In case there was very little communication:
“Oh, so sorry, you did not stay in touch that much, I thought you were not interested. I find you attractive, but I have already accepted an invitation from someone else”
A Vanisher who does not invite you anywhere but still tries to keep in touch here and there (aka checking in to see if you are still actively waiting on the sidelines) is a man who has a woman and you are his side piece.
There could be other reasons, but my point is – this Vanisher is blocking you emotionally from dating other men. If this is what's happening – block his number and eliminate him from your life forever.
When a Vanisher gets rejected because 1) he was gone for a while and 2) you got another offer because of (see#1) AND if he has feelings for you, it should set a fire under his ass.
If this event triggers and touches him deeply, he will realize his wrong ways.
Frightened by another cat sharing a litter box: “Grrr, I was such a fool! I almost lost this woman to another man! I cannot let it happen! I better hatch some plan and step up my game quick!”
If (a big if) the Vanisher has true feelings for you, he will learn from this experience and will fix his ways fast.
Do not agree to a last-minute date. Be a little bit foxy here. Let him pre-plan ahead of time AND then watch his behavior. This will be extremely telling.
Two things can happen.
~ He will be in touch with you from this point forward and become more consistent and attentive. In other words, his behavior will change to the one you have always wanted and this is exactly what you need. Bingo! Great progress.
No need to ask him to stay in touch. He is an adult, he knows what he is doing. After all, you are not his mom to teach a grown man the basics of communication. Do not be like that. Plus, you want him to come to this realization on his own. Only then will you know that it was genuine.
~ He will NOT be in touch with you from this point forward and will disappear again.
Well, let’s pause here for a moment.
What just happened??
We did our best to give the Vulture a second chance and they blew it. What does THAT tell you?
It means that they do not care and are not doing their part of a mating dance. Low attraction level is the main reason for this. They do not care and they are not afraid to lose you to another man!
Hello, the writing is on the wall! He does not see you as ‘his’ woman.
At this point, it is better to let him go, unfortunately.
It is not a relationship. It is a "situationship" where you are being treated like a rental car and manipulated to serve a man. Women with broken consciences and slave mentality succumb to these tactics.
Vanishers are manipulators. They are there to see how much they can get away with and how much they can get with a super-minimal effort.
They are there to find a needy, vulnerable woman who has low self-esteem and low standards, and who is willing to give free goodies without commitment, without hassle, with no questions asked, no demands, no effort, and no drama; the kind of a woman who will never ask anything in return.
She is there to serve his needs and that’s it.
A needy woman has some healing to do. If she feels like she needs a man then she should not have a man. It will only end in pain and disaster.
A Vulture will eat your time, your self-esteem, and your pride. A predatory Vulture will hurt you deeply, get you emotionally paralyzed, and will damage you as a Woman. You will lose perspective of things and get distorted ideas of what happy relationships are like.
You will never get back the time wasted; you cannot un-live events, reverse lost years, or un-hear damaging words.
Never say “yes” to a Vulture.
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
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