Are you a sensitive person?

‘I am a very sensitive person and it affects my personal life. I think that those who are less sensitive have it much easier. How can I be less sensitive? Is it even possible?’ – Angela, KY

Are you a sensitive person? Do you wish you were less sensitive? Do you think that those who are less sensitive are less stressed and have more fun in life?

It has been my observation that sensitive people do have more difficulty with their life. Care to know the honest truth? They are the ones who make it ‘more difficult’ for themselves.

Not playing blame games here or anything, but after reading numerous comments, posts, complaints, and relationship forum discussions of very sensitive people, I have noticed something disturbing – these unhappy people had no idea they were the reason for their own misery.

I felt like I could show them the other side of the coin, but after a while I just got tired of posting, responding, and explaining. I thought that writing an article instead would be a better solution. Just this one article to help everyone and anyone who is overwhelmed with their own sensitivity.

Below are examples-comparisons of ATTITUDES of sensitive vs. less sensitive people towards identical dating and relationship situations. In other words, I want you to see where sensitive people go wrong and make it ‘more difficult’ for themselves.

Online dating

Online dating is a brutal thing, I agree. Since sensitive people are vulnerable people, they have a very hard time dealing with everything that online dating represents. Basically, they take things way too personally, over-react, over-think, and blow things up out of proportion.

Online dating is just online dating. It was not created to accommodate you or me, or anyone else. It is THE SAME for everybody.

Those who do online dating should be prepared 1) to be rejected 2) to be ghosted on 3) to be coned 4) to be lied to 5) to feel ‘unimportant’ and ‘undervalued’ 6) to be ignored and to face many other unpleasant ‘gifts’.

All of these ‘gifts’ are being served to online daters constantly and they are all being served to each and every one of them. Every day. This one single fact should tell you that online dating is not about YOU per se. It is not about ‘to get to YOU’ or to make YOU cry. It is not about someone plotting to disappear on YOU or to make YOU miserable. It is not about them trying to hurt YOU and it is NOT personal. Again, it is not about YOU.

Less sensitive people get it and just go with the flow. ‘Whatever happens – happens‘ - is their mantra.

And here are the typical reactions of sensitive people:

~ I am in my 20s and would like to meet an age-appropriate man to have a family. Why do I keep getting letters from 50 year olds? I feel discouraged and disgusted. Should I delete my profile?

~ I met with several men and they all disappeared on me. Without warning. It has been a while, but I cannot seem to get over this. I’m still hurting and I am taking a break.

~ Online dating is a scam. There are no decent guys out there and the ones who appear to be are skilled con artists. I am scared!

~ I have been alone and lonely all my life. After several disappointing online dating experiences I came to the conclusion that it is better to stay alone.

~ I am alone and I know I’ll die alone. I have been rejected all my life. I do not do dating anymore.

It really hurts to read these comments. These are unhappy, lonely, decent people who have no protective shield to withstand the brutality of the dating world. They take things way too seriously, over-think, and over-dramatize. Do you think if they were less sensitive and had care-free casual attitude things would have been different? How about outcomes? Would they be different too?

Now, let us rephrase the above statements to demonstrate what less sensitive people think like. Again, please note that online dating is the same for everybody. It is our attitude that drives outcome.

~ I am in my 20s and would like to meet an age-appropriate man to have a family. Why do I keep getting letters from 50 year olds? I guess there are a lot of perverts out there. They aren’t getting a piece of me!

~ I met with several men and they all disappeared on me. Without warning. So typical for online dating, blah…. I better screen those time wasters better before deciding to meet.

~ Scammers and con artists are everywhere. Just like I won’t give away my home keys to a random stranger, I should not be that gullible with online strangers either.

~ I have been alone and lonely all my life. After several disappointing online dating experiences I came to conclusion that nothing happens overnight and it does take time, effort, and patience to find someone special. I’ll keep looking until I find them.

~ I am alone and I know I’ll die alone... if I make no change. Change does not happen without change and I am the only one who is responsible for what happens in my personal life. Online dating is like a job search - after interviews, 99% of the letters we receive are rejection letters and only 1% of them are for job offers. Regardless of such depressing statistics we still do manage find a job. If we can handle such a high rejection rate during our job search (and eventually get what we want), then why not apply the same attitude towards online dating?

So, what do you think? Have you noticed the connection between sensitivity and a wrong attitude? Let’s see how this attitude manifests itself in relationships.

Relationships

~ Every time he backs off I panic. Every time when it happens I feel like ‘This is it. The End’.

~ He keeps forgetting my b-days and isn’t doing enough to make me feel special on Valentine Days. To me it is like solid and undeniable proof that our relationship and I do not matter to him that much.

~ He is a nice guy but he is not as attentive as he used to be. I feel neglected most of the time.

~ To me being in a relationship equals being in pain. I feel the best when I am not in a relationship. How do other people manage to be in relationships and feel happy at the same time?

Let us rephrase the above statements into what they should sound like (from a healthy attitude - aka less sensitive - perspective).

~ Every time he backs off I get on with my life. We all have our bad days and a need for ‘me’ time. Happens all the time!

~ He keeps forgetting my b-days and isn’t doing enough to make me feel special on Valentine Days. I suppose he is not a romantic type of a guy. Some men need clear instructions on what is expected of them on such days. From now on I won’t assume that ‘he knows’ what my emotional expectations are. I’ll simply let him know.

~ He is a nice guy but is not as attentive as he used to be. I suppose relationships evolve and people in love are not expected to be around each other 24/7. For goodness sake, if that were the case it would drive me nuts! I better get busy with my life and stop treating his tokens of attention as ‘mood stabilizers’.

~ To me being in a relationship equals to being myself. Going against myself never works because sweeping it under the rug is to invite pain. I’ll stay with what makes me happy and leave what does not. It is THAT simple.

Now, let’s go back to Angela’s question that was posted in the beginning. Do you think you could answer it now?

Just like centuries ago people thought that our Sun (and the entire Universe actually) were rotating around the Earth, super sensitive people believe that everything that happens around somehow has to do with them.

If you are a sensitive person, then:

~ You perceive the world as some sort of universal set up that was designed to ‘hurt you’

~ You think that the behavior of other people is a direct reflection of who you are, what you said, or what you did

~ You find it hard to believe that actions and words of other people could be totally unrelated to you.

I say, stop poisoning the quality of your life and see the things for what they REALLY are.

~ There is no such a thing as someone pondering: “Gee, I cannot wait to hurt Angela. Today is the day! I’ll do all I can to hurt her feelings and make her cry big time”.

~ People say and do things as they please; those words and actions are in no way aimed to intentionally upset you.

~ You cannot control what other people do or say, but you can (and should) control your emotional reactions. Please remember that they have their own reasons of behaving like this (stress, mental illness, going through a breakup or divorce, medical conditions, suffering from side effects of meds, emotional issues).

~ Negative and rude people do exist and you know what? They are rude with everyone, not just you. Their rudeness has nothing to do with who you are or how you look. They are rude and will always be rude regardless of whether you exist or not. It is soooo much easier to walk away than to waste your emotional energy on them. They won’t change!

~ No matter what you do or say, those random and not so random people who cross your life path will still keep doing what they are doing. You cannot make demands or tell them what to do. It only proves the fact that we are all have our own reasons and ways of doing ‘things’. Yes, by doing those ‘things’ we may hurt people in the process, but it surely is unintentional on our part, isn’t it???

~ You may secretly wish everybody around you were more considerate and understanding, but have you ever questioned your own behavior? Have you ever wondered how your extra sensitivity could come across? Have you ever thought that your unjustifiable and unfounded over-reacting could actually hurt someone else’s feelings too? Have you ever thought that you could be a ‘difficult’ person to be with because let us admit, it is not fun to be with someone who flies off the handle over petty things?

~ I believe most people are good people. They are not running around looking to hurt others right and left. If you happened to get hurt, then there is a 99.99% probability that it was totally unintentional on their part.

I know it may be hard, but every time when you feel like cursing, crying, and blowing up just pause for a second and ask yourself this: ‘Did they really mean to make me feel like this?’ I can give a 100% guarantee that most of the time people have no idea how much they hurt you, plus they forget what they do or say. Yes, they FORGET! They say things and then go on with their life… leaving you pining for weeks over what happened.

I say, learn to forget and move on ASAP (as soon as possible) from unpleasant situations. Yep, the faster you move on, the better for your emotional well-being!!

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