Why do they suddenly become interested after you stop being interested?

Quite often it feels like a bizarre mismatch in time frames: you burn with desire for them for a certain period of time, they know it but choose to do nothing. After a while you get tired or ‘burned out’ and voila – here they are, all full of passion.

I mean, really? It is like ‘Where have you been before? Didn’t you see how crazy I was about you back then? You made me feel all but unloved and rejected, and now you are back claiming your interest? How am I supposed to trust you? How do I know it is genuine?’

It is kind of hard to comprehend when it happens. It may be hard to believe because of what they did in the past. It may even look like they are crazy or are playing some cruel games. Are they for real?

The good news is that by the time they are back talking love we are not as vulnerable. We feel stronger and in control. That’s the time when we are ready to deliver the famous ‘Frankly my dear, I do not give a damn’ line from the ‘Gone with the wind’ novel.

When we love someone for too long without proper reciprocation, when we wait for them for an eternity to love us back, when we think of them non-stop, and when we hope against hope we will eventually come to terms - with ourselves - that it is not going to happen, we start moving on from a relationship that never happened, from imaginary conversations that never took place, from our dreams, and from the possibility of having a chance... even the slightest chance with them. We are moving on from a breakup that never took place but feels oh so real.

There are many reasons as to why it happens, so many that I could write a book about it. At this time, I would like to talk about only one - our own behavior and how it contributes to the dynamics of the above described scenario.

This is going to be very useful because I see it happening all the time.

When we are in love with someone so badly that we cannot breath and control ourselves we stop being ourselves. Here is what we do and what we become while under their spell:

WE:
~ make sacrifices we usually do not make
~ forgive things we usually do not forgive
~ go out of our way to please them… something we do not usually do with other people
~ say ‘yes’ more often than we should
~ focus on them
~ may even become a doormat
~ ignore disrespect or rudeness; boundary maintenance becomes a challenge
~ lose our mind and do stupid things - risk our health, career etc.
~ fall into depression, cut on socializing and hobbies.
~ feel on guard when talking to them. We are worried we may say something ‘wrong’.
~ do not act ourselves when around them. We find it difficult to relax.
~ feel like a dork (who does not know how to make things right), like in idiot (for loving them so much), like we are not good enough (because if we were they would love us back). And it shows.
~ feel paralyzed and uptight

I am not judging you with any of the above, but the problem is that if you are looking for a chance with them, then such a behavior is NOT helpful.

Simply take a look at the above description again, imagine a person who behaves like this towards you and answer this question: would I feel attraction towards someone LIKE THIS?

The sad truth is that the above listed behaviors are not just bad – THEY ARE ATTRACTION KILLERS. So basically although we think we’re doing everything we can to make them like us more in reality it is just the opposite – we are killing our chances.

When we are NOT in love we are different. We take care of ourselves more, we laugh, we go out, we have life. We do not bend over to please and we say ‘No’ more often. We are ourselves and we are who we are. Take it or leave it…

This is exactly what happens when we stop caring. As soon as we stop caring we become un-paralyzed, un-inhibited, and confident in ourselves. We become INTERESTING. We become someone who they did not get used to seeing and someone they had no idea existed. Change in our behavior leads to change in their perception of us which leads to the change of dynamics.

As they say – change in our behavior forces people around us to change too. Our behaving differently makes them feel differently. As they feel differently they behave differently. That’s WHY they suddenly start caring when you stop (caring). You are different and they like what they see now.